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I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn’t know why

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May
21

I needed a “Pat Day” and time to be alone to “go within” to meditate and pray. I drove to the ocean and parked my car along the road.  I sat on the rocks and allowed the sound of the ocean waves to wash over me. I could feel the tears bubbling up and wasn’t even sure why I was crying. When I finished meditating, I prayed and asked God for clarity and truth about what was coming up and what I needed to release or change. I asked myself, “Was the pain about the present or something from my past?” Pain is an indication (especially emotional pain) that something needs my attention.

As I’ve shared in past blogs, being in a relationship is great (and I wouldn’t trade it for anything), but it does bring up my “stuff” and where I need to change and grow. It not only brings up my “stuff” that needs changing, it brings up how I’ve grown and changed. I like this much better.

Today I’m celebrating my growth and the courage to “go within.” I am committed to my spiritual journey and allowing whatever needs to come up to come up to be transformed. I no longer medicate my feelings, but allow myself to feel everything. I know to feel is to deal and to heal; and feelings are a gift from God.

Writing is one of the spiritual tools I use to help me get clear on what’s going on in my life. I just keep writing and writing until I get clarity and get to the bottom of my pain.  Before I started to journal, I was able to identify some positive behaviors that I have changed over the years.

Spirit brought to mind an experience that I had with one of my sons about 10 years ago. I confronted him and shared my feelings about something he had done that hurt me.  Clearly he didn’t hear me and no matter how I tried to explain it, he wasn’t buying it.  I was frustrated because it was important for me to know he heard me (and change his behavior). After going around and around and trying every communication technique I knew, I finally got it and the light bulb went off. I was trying to control him  and trying to make him see it my way. When this realization came to the light, I apologized for my controlling behaviors, of wanting to be right and was able to let it go!

Here is what happened and where my growth was: I confronted Larry about something that happened the night before when we had company. He listened, but didn’t have the same perspective that I had. In fact, it was just the opposite. The good news is that I didn’t argue with him, try to control him and get him to see it my way. I trusted my perception and didn’t have to make Larry wrong and me right. This was definitely growth. I knew it wasn’t resolved yet and we needed further discussion, but that would be after my time alone with God.

In past relationships, it may have taken me a week or a month or a year to share my feelings. Because I was afraid to share my feelings, resentment would build up and it would often come out sideways. I also would tend to minimize or deny things because I didn’t want to rock the boat. There were times that I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I often asked friends, “Would you feel this way if this happened to you?”

The growth for me is that I trusted myself, my feelings, Larry and the strength of our relationship to be honest and share my perception, even though it was different from his.

After Larry and I discussed the previous evening, I knew I needed to spend time alone with me. We had lunch plans with a friend. In the past (because of my people pleasing tendencies), I would have pushed myself to go to lunch because I thought someone else’s needs were more important than mine. I had to make a choice to love me and take care of my needs or to be there for another person. I chose to love me. I have learned the importance of loving myself first and filling up my tank before I can truly love another.

I spent 3 hours praying, writing and asking for clarity. I know my answers are within and if I ask, I will receive. What was revealed to me is that I am responsible:

  •  For myself, my perceptions and my feelings
  •  To give myself the attention and time that I need when I need it
  •  To communicate what I want and don’t want
  •  To set boundaries about what I will and won’t do
  •  To change what I can change
  •  To follow my heart, trust myself and change my mind when I want to

When I returned home, I shared with Larry all that happened in my prayer and meditation. I was clear, straight forward and non-judgmental. We had a great conversation and I felt loved and heard. Thank you God for answering my prayer for clarity & truth. Thank you for my awakening and the gifts that await me daily.

Alan Cohen writes, “When something painful happens, it isn’t the end of the story. It’s simply another chapter in the book. Hang in there until the end of the tale and you’ll find value and meaning in everything that happened and you’ll recognize its role in your awakening. A setback is really a setup and behind every tragedy awaits a gift. If you open it, it will be revealed.”

 

Mary, the divine mother “mothered” me when I was motherless

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May
21

As Mother’s Day approached, I thought about my own mother (who died when I was 19 years old) and then the gift of being a mother and bringing 4 beautiful children into the world. Bringing children into the world and being a mother is the most important job I will ever have – and the one that I had the least training for.

It’s been almost 50 years since my mother died in St. Helena’s Church on my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary. Without a mother on earth for all these years, I’ve had to learn to “mother” myself and allow others to “mother” me. Thank God for my grandmother’s love for I would not be who I am today without her unconditional love. My girlfriend, Carole, lost her mother at an early age, also, so we have often “mothered” each other over the years when we needed a mommy. Today, I am blessed with many beautiful feminine women who enrich my life as I do theirs.

I would like to share with you my relationship with Mary, the Divine Feminine. Growing up Catholic, I remember “May Day” and having processions around the school honoring the Blessed Mother. I had a devotion to Mary and even had a little altar in my room with flowers for the month of May. Believe it or not, I still have the statute I received for my Holy Communion.

When I reached my teenage years, I forgot about Mary and didn’t want anything to do with the Blessed Mother.  Can you relate?  Many years ago, I met a woman named, Dolores, who clearly had a beautiful, loving relationship with Mary that intrigued me. I wanted what she had and asked her how I could get the relationship back that I had as a young girl. She advised me to say one Hail Mary every day, which I did.

My kids remember saying the rosary as a family while driving in the car, which, of course, they loved to do! LOL  I don’t say the Hail Mary’s every day anymore, but I have a loving, strong, nurturing relationship with our Divine Mother and Mother Earth. She is there to “mother” me when I need mothering and I call upon her assistance often.

As I look back over the years, I realize that the month of May has always been a very powerful spiritual month for me and I’ve had many internal shifts and transformations. So I now expect and look forward to spiritual experiences and surprises during the month of May.

Larry was surprised when I told him it was “May Day” and brought out my statute of Mary to put on the kitchen counter. When he returned from the market later that day, he bought me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my little “altar.” As my friend who just met Larry said, “Pat, he gets you.”  Yes, he does and he knows what’s important to me, even though it may not be important to him.

This past week, I had the opportunity to accompany my friend, Gail, to Honolulu as she underwent major surgery. Since I had the same surgery many years ago, I shared with her my experience and what helped me to stay peaceful and calm. Our mantra was, “Everything will flow with peace, ease and grace.” Although there were a few bumps that we dealt with (we had to change plane reservation because her operation was delayed and we couldn’t make the scheduled flight), it truly flowed with peace, ease and grace.

During our time together before the surgery, I was led to ask Gail if she had a relationship with the Blessed Mother. She said, “I didn’t grow up Catholic, but just a few weeks ago when I was really sick, I needed a “mother” and prayed to Mary. Gail’s mother died 30 years ago, so we had something in common and knew the pain of being “motherless.”

I prayed with her when she left the hotel in the morning for surgery. We prayed the “Hail Mary” together and when we were done, we looked into each other’s eyes and said, “I am going to die, you are going to die, but we have this moment.”  It was a very touching moment for the both of us. During my meditation later in the day, I saw her mother on one side and the Blessed Mother on the other side of her while she was in surgery and I was at the head of her bed.

As I’ve learned to love and “mother” myself, I was able to be an earthly “mother” for Gail. It was such an honor for me to be present to her and help her with whatever she needed in the moment. My prayer and intention was to be a “peaceful presence” to her and I feel that was accomplished. Through this experience, Gail and I bonded in a new and deeper way. Not only did we share our journeys, we laughed, prayed and played together.

Gail is an amazingly strong woman whom I have come to love and admire. Her kindness, vulnerability, gentleness and gratitude to everyone (from the nurses, to the taxi cab driver, to the lab technician who drew blood) were quite remarkable. Gail has had a grueling year and her courage and trust is a gift to all who know her. She truly is a gift to me.

I look forward to the rest of the month with Mary and how I will grow spiritually.  I would love to hear  your experience of the Divine Mother.

 

I was in fear with all the “what if’s”

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May
11

My mind felt like a blender going around and around as I thought about what to write about for my blog this week. There were several areas in my life that I could write about and I didn’t know how or where to begin. So I prayed, began and trusted Spirit would lead and guide me.

Many of my friends (including myself) are experiencing a time of “clearing, cleansing, purifying and releasing” with aspects of ourselves coming to the light that no longer serve us.  Everything that is hidden is being brought into the light so it can be healed and transformed. Being in a relationship is great and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it does bring up my “stuff” and sometimes with a vengeance. This can be very uncomfortable and it is not easy.

I am so grateful for what I have manifested in my life and my vibration is high. Since I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life and living my dream, I was quite surprised when I started to experience several recurring and unpleasant dreams. I have worked with my dreams for many years and know that God gives me messages and brings up things in my subconscious that I’m unaware of.

Dreams come to assist with a problem, show us a deficiency or pattern of behavior, or give us guidance. Most recurring dreams are about some unresolved issue, fears that we need to overcome, or when we need to change our perspective about something in our lives. They may also be from past lives and what we experienced.

When I awoke from one of my dreams, I felt exhausted, afraid, confused, drained and panicky. The themes of the dreams were about being lost, running, rushing, losing my car and not remembering how to get back to where I was. As I prayed, meditated, journaled and worked with the dreams, Spirit revealed some old beliefs and attitudes that needed transformation and healing.

What came to light was that I felt fearful of losing my relationship with Larry. I had waited for so long for this divine connection and I didn’t want to walk this journey alone again.  My fear was about the future and all the “what ifs.” What if he dies soon or if he gets sick, etc.

I don’t want to live in fear or worry about what may happen in the future to me or to someone I love. That is called “future-tripping.” Often we think if we worry enough, we can control the future-this is an illusion that destroys our peace of mind. The truth is that I have no control and am not responsible for what happens to anyone else. All I have control over is my thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors.

I allow myself to be robbed of the present moment when I “future trip.” I allow myself to be robbed when I can’t let go of the past and stay stuck in the past. The present moment is all I really have and that is where God is and where there is peace. I asked myself why so many of us “future trip” and don’t live in the present moment. I think, for me, it’s because I’m afraid of what will or won’t happen. The bottom line is that I don’t trust myself and I don’t trust God enough.

If I want to live in peace, I needed to clear and release this fear that was lurking below the surface so I could live life to the fullest and live in the present moment. I read that fear just comes from a thought and I don’t need to be afraid of a thought. It says in the bible that fear is useless, what is needed is trust.

“Most people let their moments slip through their fingers half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. The more connected I am to my source moment by moment; there is no time for worry. Then I am free to let Spirit lead and direct and I walk in peace.” Jesus Calling pg. 128

I shared my fears with Larry and what was revealed through my dreams. What is interesting is that Larry had just returned from a walk with a friend and she had shared something with him that was very I powerful. Here is what she shared. “A grandmother was teaching her 4 year old granddaughter not to be afraid of death. She looked into her granddaughters eyes and said, “I am going to die. You are going to die. All we have is the NOW.” WOW, this is exactly what I needed to hear and practice. Larry and I now look into each other’s eyes and say it daily to one another and it is so healing and transforming.

“Every positive change, every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness invites a rite of passage. Each time we ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.” Dan Millman

Instead of “future tripping” and worrying what will happen in the future, we can practice what Abraham writes “As you give thought to your future—your future that may be 10 years; your future that may be 5 years; or your future that is 60 days away—you literally begin pre-paving. And then, as you move into those pre-paved moments, and as that future becomes your present, you fine-tune it by saying, This, is what I now want. And all of those thoughts that you have put forth about your future, right down to this moment when you are now intending what action you want to take, will all fit together to bring you precisely that which you now want to live.”

 

Our love was born of trust and faith

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May
1

LOVE…. Wait for it. A gentle Love, a tender Love, a passionate Love with big plans, an everyday Love with quiet moments, a Love born of TRUST & FAITH… a together, forever Love.

This card “jumped” out at me and I bought it for Larry for our one year anniversary. It seemed to say it all because our relationship is truly based on love, trust and faith. I waited 15 years to attract this kind of love into my life. While I waited, I learned to trust myself (what I wanted and didn’t want) and to truly love, respect and become my own best friend.  As I look back, I realize I needed that time to be alone to find myself and to know that I could take care of myself. I stopped looking outside for the love that was always inside of me.

Larry and I are called to be “vessels of love” wherever we go in the world. And that means just BEING ourselves and allowing our love to shine forth. That is not hard for me to do since this is the happiest time in my life and my gratitude is through the roof! I love smiling at strangers and welcoming them to the island with a simple Aloha.

Larry celebrated his birthday last Sunday. We went to breakfast with friends and he had his favorite Banana Foster pancakes. Since he had some stressful situations during the week he didn’t want to do anything but relax, which was fine with me.  We had a great day and enjoyed the pace and peace of the day.

One of our favorite restaurants that we love to go to for Mai Tai’s is called “5 Palms.”  It is right on the ocean and has beautiful sunsets. We hadn’t been there for months since in high season it’s very crowded. I said to Larry late in the afternoon, “How about I treat you for your birthday and we go to “5 Palms” for a drink?” He immediately said, “Yes, what a great idea” and off we went.

We chatted with the hostess briefly while we waited for her to seat us.  After we were seated, we looked at one another and knew it wasn’t going to work for us because we were so far apart. We prefer booths where we can be close to one another and hold hands. The hostess was still in the area talking to the wait staff. I immediately got up and said to her, “Could we please get another table because we like to sit close to one another and it’s his birthday today.” She smiled and said, “Let’s see what we can do.”  I think she thought it was cute these “older folks” wanting to sit close to one another. She found us new chairs and we were able to sit next to one another.

We celebrated Larry’s birthday while we enjoyed our drinks and watched the sunset. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the waitress (with the hostess right behind her) coming our way with a dessert and candle on top. We were so touched and grateful by this kind gesture that Larry got up and hugged the hostess as I said, “Namaste” to the waitress. A few minutes later the waitress came over to the table to talk with us. I wish I could remember everything she said, but I can’t. I know she complimented us on our love energy together. She said, “I see a lot of people dining in this restaurant, but I don’t often see the energy that you two have together very often”.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I handed my “Simply a Woman of Faith” card to the waitress. To say the least, we were blown away by her remarks as we are beginning to understand that our combined light and love energy is very powerful.

The next day my friend, Bette, and I met after our yoga class for a visit.  She shared that her friend, Linda, had just arrived from the mainland the night before. In our conversation Bette said, “I would like to take her to an Al-Anon meeting since her therapist suggested she attend”. I texted another friend who attended meetings regularly and she told me when and where the next meeting was going to be. It was the next day at 12 noon.

I attended 12 step Al-Anon meetings for many years and I still practice the spiritual tools that I learned in my daily life. I love the program, even though I hadn’t attended a meeting in several years and had no desire to. I could have given the information to Bette and be done with it, but something inside prompted me to say, “If you would like, I will go with you both to the meeting”.

Even though I didn’t understand why it was so strong that I attended the meeting, I trusted my intuition that I was meant to go the next day with Bette and Linda. The meeting had just started when we walked in and there were about 20 people sitting around the table. There was an empty chair at one end of the table that I was drawn to sit in while Bette and Linda sat on the opposite side.  When I turned to look at the women next to me, I almost gasped because it was the hostess from the restaurant. We looked at one another with our mouths opened as I said, “Vera” and she said, “Pat.”  We both knew this was no accident or coincidence, but since the meeting had started, we couldn’t talk to each other until the end.

After the meeting, Vera shared with me that she moved to Maui with her partner 3 months ago and last week was her first time at this meeting. I said, “I now know why I came to the meeting today.”  She asked if she could call me since she needed new friends to support her. Of course, I said “yes” and gave her my card.

Can we ever doubt that God cares about us and is leading and guiding us? All we have to do is ask for help, trust, believe and allow Spirit to arrange the events and people to come into our lives for our highest good. And, of course, trusting and following our intuition is essential.
 

God provided everything I needed at yard sales

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Apr
20

Many people have commented on the first chapter of my book, “Simply a Woman of Faith.” It’s called God is my Bargain Hunter – How God Provides at Yard Sales. After reading the chapter they say to God, “If you provided for Pat like that, I will ask too.” It really is about believing and being grateful before things “show up.”  God is still providing for me on this beautiful island of Maui. Sometimes it feels like magic the way I am provided for and it makes me smile.

I love how the Universe works when I trust and allow things to flow. Last week, my friend, Sally, told me about a neighborhood yard sale in an exclusive, gated community in Maui. They have it twice a year and there are dozens of yard sales. Now, being called the “yard sale queen” by my friends, I was excited and planned on attending, until I remembered that I had a coaching session scheduled for 8:30 a.m. I thought about calling and asking her if she could come later in the day, but that didn’t feel right. I trusted that if it were meant to be for me to be there at 7 a.m. when the doors opened, she would cancel. Sure enough, I received an email from her on Thursday night informing me that she had to cancel. Of course, I was grateful and excited about that.

Larry asked if he could join me.  He’s been with me a couple of times when we’ve stopped at yard sales along the way. But this was different because this was the big league in a gated community with so many yard sales. I said, “Larry, I would love you to join me, but you have to be willing to follow my yard sale protocol.  This is what we do: We first peruse the whole area to see if there is anything we want. We move fast and don’t hang around to talk to people because if you snooze, you lose. Please don’t discourage me from buying something that I think is valuable.  He smiled and said, “Okay, honey, you’re the queen, I won’t interfere, I’ll let you play.”   I just love how he loves me!

We left the house at 6:30 a.m. as planned to find the treasures we were looking for (or not looking for). As always, God’s timing is perfect. Larry’s birthday was the next day and I’ve been searching for the perfect painting for his “man cave” since he moved in 3 weeks ago. I was glad he was with me because I wanted to find him something that he really liked. Of course, I prayed and asked God to provide the perfect painting (and price) for him. We saw several beautiful paintings, but nothing jumped out at us. We had almost finished our “yard sailing” when I spotted another yard sale sign down the street.

I spotted the 2 matching flowering paintings hanging on the wall immediately when I walked into the garage.  I thought they would be perfect for over the couch and hoped that Larry would also like them. He not only liked them, but I offered the man less than what he was asking for them and he accepted happily.  As soon as we arrived home, Larry hung them up for me and they looked awesome. How much better does it get than that?

On another note on how God provided for me.  Last week, I was invited to my friend, Gail’s, house for a “play day” to paint and decorate rocks.  Our friend, Lesta, is an artist and paints rocks and puts spiritual messages on them. She then leaves them around the island for people to pick them up. We had so much fun being creative by painting and putting colored beads on the rocks. I loved the idea of painting rocks and putting messages on them and leaving them around the island and decided I wanted to do this myself.

I planned on going to Ben Franklin to buy some paint, brushes, colored beads and this stuff called, MOD PODGE, which I had never heard of or used before. We used this to glue on the beads and seal the paint on the rocks.

It is even hard for me to believe that I found everything I wanted for this project at 3 different yard sales. First, I found 9 tubes of acrylic paints and 6 new paint brushes that were perfect for painting rocks. A little while later, at another yard sale, I found the colored beads in a case for $2.00. I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to start my new project.  We were on our way home and only a couple of minutes from our house when I spotted one more yard sale. Of course, we had to stop and I was shocked when I saw the brand new bottle of MOD PODGE sitting on the table.  I mean, really!

Last, but not least of how God provided: Larry brought 2 of his antherium plants with him that look beautiful on our lanai and I told him that I wanted to buy some more plants. At the very first garage sale that we stopped at, God provided 6 beautiful potted flowering plants for my lanai at the perfect price.

As I shared in my book, “The beauty of my “yard sailing” lies not just in the price, but the knowledge that God does care about the details. His answers to my yard sale prayers constantly reminds me that I’m taken care of, that God is in my life and that He wants me to have all I need and desire. The fun I have finding bargains reminds me that God has fun when I have fun. I think God enjoys placing bargains in my path as much as I enjoy finding them.”

God is using Larry as an instrument of healing my unhealed sexual wounds

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Apr
19

I want to thank all of you who wrote and shared your responses to Larry’s thoughts and feelings about our love relationship. It touched us both very deeply and we are so grateful that our relationship gives you hope to see the possibilities of what God wants and intends for you in a committed relationship.

Many of you have shared how you appreciate my honesty and authenticity in writing my weekly blogs.  It truly is my desire to share the good, the bad and the ugly, although I don’t believe any more there is the bad or the ugly. Of course, there are always challenges or problems in our lives. But, I choose to see everything that happens to me as an opportunity rather than a problem because I believe that I attract everything into my life for my highest good and for my soul to grow.

Did I want to share what happened this week that was very personal and felt shameful? No, I didn’t but I know that shame is healed when it is brought into the light. I also heard Spirit say, “I want you to share this in your blog.” I choose to share it because I want to be true to myself and authentic to all of you.

Last Thursday, a few days before Easter, I felt a shooting pain in my whole lower back when I got up to get a drink of water. I remembered what my back felt like a few years ago when I could hardly walk and had to be on my back for a few weeks.  So, for 3 days I really “gave into” taking care of myself and rested and stayed quiet. I read books and iced and put heat on my back all day long. I prayed, meditated and did the Emotion Code to release trapped emotions. I believe that our body often wants to get our attention and speaks to us through our pain. Our body remembers everything that has ever happened to us and there may be emotions or false beliefs that need to be released.

It was revealed to me in prayer that I had an old belief that no longer served me. The belief was that it is wrong and bad to “waste time on myself” and to do nothing, even if it is very pleasurable. I loved lying in my bed and reading for hours. Because my back was hurting, I gave myself permission to rest and I didn’t feel guilty. Because of this false belief about “wasting time on myself”, I don’t think I would have given myself the luxury of reading all day without feeling some guilt.

Granted, there was a time in my life while I worked and raised a family that I didn’t think I had a choice to “waste time on myself.” I became a “busyaholic” because there was a lot to do, but also to medicate my feelings. I didn’t want to feel the pain that was deep inside of me, so I stayed busy. There is nothing wrong with being busy and responsible, but it must be balanced with taking time for ourselves and doing things that give us pleasure – and that may be doing nothing and reading a book all day long – without feeling guilty.

It’s important to know what gives you pleasure. During my quiet time, I wrote a list of all the things and activities that bring me pleasure and there were a lot of things on the list from dancing, walking on the beach to spending time with family and friends. I liked it when it popped into my mind that I am now a practicing “pleasuraholic.” A pleasuraholic means I live in the present moment, I feel all of my feelings, I believe I’m deserving of pleasure, I trust the process of life, I enjoy pleasure, I surrender and accept “what is.”

I was surprised when I received an email the next day that read, “Are you a pleasure anorexic? Do you unconsciously or habitually deprive yourself of pleasure? I immediately said, “No.” I have this one covered and that’s not me. After all, I had just written my list of all the ways that I give myself pleasure. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure from those I love. Then, Spirit shined its light into my heart and showed me some truths that I was in denial about and didn’t want to see about myself.

I’ve shared in past blogs that I was sexually abused as a young girl by a family member, a priest and a teacher. I was robbed of my innocence and suffered many years because of the abuse. It has been a long journey of healing, forgiving and transformation. I am very grateful to God for my healing. What I know about the spiritual journey is that there is always MORE uncovering and healing to be done, especially if there has been any kind of physical, emotional, spiritual abuse or trauma in our lives.

It may be uncomfortable and I may not like it when something comes into the light that needs attention and healing, but I know it’s for my highest good.  I felt sad and then angry when I realized that I was still suffering from the “aftermath” of the abuse and needed healing from the sexual abuse that occurred over 60 years ago.

Nothing changes when I stay in denial. When I come out of denial, I will not only have to face myself and the truth, but I will have the opportunity to change, with God’s grace. Even though I knew that change is for my good & necessary, I still felt some fear because it was unfamiliar territory where I didn’t have control. Feeling like you are in control is very important to someone who has experienced abuse.

I was able to admit to myself, that even though I had grown enormously in healing my sexuality, there were still some areas where I needed to heal and grow because I didn’t allow myself to RECEIVE all of the pleasure that I was entitled to and deserved to receive.

I know in my heart that Larry is God’s instrument in my life to heal my unhealed wounds. His love, kindness and patience give me courage to move forward and receive all the gifts God wants to give me, including enjoying my sexuality 100%.

Are you able to give and receive pleasure in your life or do you sometimes feel guilty doing things that are pleasurable and fun?  You are worth it and deserve to experience the riches God wants you to receive. Start today and do one good thing for yourself every day and see how that feels.

 

 

I call her “Sparkle” & she inspires me

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Apr
8

This Easter Sunday was very special to me as it is the 1st year anniversary of my “Awakening.” Last Easter, Larry joined me for the Easter Sunday celebration at Unity Church.  I was so touched when he gave me a beautiful flower lei right before the service.  I remember during the service, praying, “God, open my heart if Larry is my soul mate.”  I was just beginning to have some romantic stirrings towards him after being best friends for 2 years. I believe it was that prayer that awakened me to the reality of love right before my eyes. I also know it wasn’t God’s timing until that very moment that my heart was opened.  Although we were best friends and had built our relationship on trust and respect, we each had some inner work to do before we moved to the next level.

I am amazed at all that has happened over the past year because I opened my heart to love. One year later, we are celebrating Easter Sunday service together again and Larry surprised me with a beautiful flower lei.  My heart overflowed with joy and gratitude. He not only surprised me with a lei, but he purchased leis for my 2 girlfriends, Kati and Catherine, who were attending the service with us.  How much better does it get than this?

As you all know, Larry and I moved in together last week. It was a big step for both of us, giving up our freedom and coming together to build our life together as a couple. For me, it feels like we have been together forever because it’s just flowed with peace, ease and grace. I love him living here and playing together. What a gift at this time in our lives to be together in love.

I asked Larry if he would be open to share with you his experience of our relationship and moving in together.  Here is what he wrote:

“Pat and I had been discussing moving in together for some time. I had been living alone for the past 3 years and was very happy in my condo. The thought of moving was not pleasant, even though Pat and I are very compatible, love one another and find much joy in being together.  Like most people, I don’t necessarily like change, so it was a big decision for me to make.

Even though I felt some fear, it seemed like the best thing to do. I am learning not to worry and control things, but to allow Spirit to do the work. I am also learning to choose love instead of fear. During this process, I realized how much of my decision making over the years has been fear- based. I often tortured myself with thoughts like, “If I do this, I am afraid this will happen and if I don’t do that, I am afraid that will happen.”

When I finally made the decision that the move was for my highest good and for the good of our relationship, everything seemed to just fall into place. Our mantra or prayer was, Everything will flow with peace, ease and grace.  Whenever I felt anxious about the move, Pat reminded me about the mantra and we would say it together. It really worked because “we get what we expect” and I was expecting it to flow with peace, ease and grace.

Here are a couple of examples:  I was feeling some concern about who would help me move the furniture and heavy stuff from my condo. I really value the relationship I have with the folks who owned the condo I rented. When I gave them my notice, they were really disappointed that I was leaving. To my surprise, they offered to move me to my new home in Maui Meadows. The move went, as we expected, with peace, ease and grace. Not being a “techie”, I was concerned about setting up my computer and smart TV. They not only moved me in, but helped set up everything up all in one day.  Pat has shared in her past blog about finding the beautiful stress-less recliner chair valued at $2000 for $800 delivered to our home. I am now enjoying the recliner every day and I love it.

My spiritual journey is similar to Pat’s and our desire is to be vessels of love in whatever we do & wherever we go.  In now living together, we are creating a rhythm that takes compatibility, flexibility and patience.  It is a perfect opportunity to develop and deepen our love relationship. It is my spiritual belief that Love is the most powerful energy known to humankind. For me, LOVE  IS GOD.  I do not allow fear to have any power in my life any more. I bring everything to love because that is where the power is and Love will never fail me. The more that I allow myself to be a vessel of love, the more love comes into my life.

Those of you who follow Pat’s blog realize what an inspiration she is. With her beautiful blue eyes and lovely smile, she lights up the room when she walks in. My nickname for her is “Sparkle.” She has been and always will be an inspiration to me.  She has encouraged me to love myself, to be positive and to trust the power of love.

I am settling into my new “home” and am enjoying our free and easy stress- less lifestyle.  My heart is full of gratitude for what Love has brought into my life. I am happy and look forward to walking this path of love with Pat as we grow spiritually as a couple and as individuals. We are given many opportunities every day to grow and become more conscious. Sometimes that’s scary, but it’s nice to know someone has my back. I look forward to continuing this journey and welcoming all the opportunities that will arise. “

Thank you God for all the blessings in my life. Thank you Larry for coming into my life and loving me the way you do. My journey has been enriched and deepened because of your love and presence.  Although Larry doesn’t see it in the future, who knows, we might even write a book about our “Love Story.”

I called the police at 4 A.M. because of the fighting

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Apr
3

On the morning of the day Larry moved in, I was so filled with gratitude and joy that I wanted to let my 4 children know how happy their mother was. This is the text I sent them: “Remember the song, “This is the day that the Lord has made” that we sang when you guys were younger? I want you all to know that your mother is very grateful, happy and in awe of the good in my life. Larry is moving in today and living together on the ocean is truly a dream come true. Thank you for supporting me and loving me as I followed my heart and moved across the ocean. I feel your love and I love you all very much. My prayer for you is that you follow your heart and that all of your dreams come true. Aloha.” My son, Brian, wrote back “This is the day YOU have made with the Lord.” Yes, we co-created it together.

My children are happy that I’m happy, just as I’m happy when I see them living their lives fully and they are happy. This is all we could ever ask for each other. I have been divorced for 17 years and we know that it’s not always easy on our children. My children weren’t happy that I was divorcing their father and for a while, the younger ones were angry with me. Even though I understood their anger, it was still very painful to be the brunt of their angry behaviors.

There were several things I learned during that time; it didn’t work to nag them or try to get them to talk about it. I learned to allow them their space to work through their process and just sent them love. I learned to not take it personally and beat up on myself for their feelings and my decisions. If I hadn’t had the courage to move forward in my life and trust God for my life and the lives of my children, I would not be experiencing the joy, love and happiness that I now have and I wouldn’t be living my destiny.

For the past several months (after Larry and I made the decision to move in together) this is what we said to one another when we thought about the move, “Everything is going to flow with peace, ease and grace.”  We have truly experienced the POWER of our intention because everything has flowed with peace, ease and grace.  In next week’s blog Larry will share his experience of how it has flowed with peace, ease and grace for him.

I love how the Universe works and how things shift when they are meant to shift and change. It’s all about trusting God’s perfect timing. I live in a beautiful suburb of Maui called “Maui Meadows.” Several months ago, a man moved in across the street and the problems started. He would come home in the wee hours of the morning and greet his barking dogs which, in turn, woke the neighborhood up. He would then sit outside and talk on his cell phone, which kept me awake. I could practically hear his whole conversation and I wanted to scream out the window, “Shut up.”

Last month, the police were called twice in one week because of drunken brawls and yelling and fighting. I even called the police last week at 4 a.m. because of the cursing and yelling that I heard. The situation was definitely escalating and I was concerned for Larry moving in with all the noise and fighting because the condo that he lived in was very quiet.

Of course, Larry was aware of the problems before he moved in and we agreed to see it as an opportunity to send him love, rather than a problem to be solved. Two days before Larry moved in, I had breakfast with my girlfriends and shared what was going on. My friend, Kati, said kind of nonchalantly, “He’s going to be moving out.” I loved that thought, but I had no idea when that was going to happen.

That very night, while sitting on my lanai, I noticed 2 police cars in front of my neighbor’s house. The policemen were just standing by their patrol cars while the man carried out large garbage bags of his stuff and put it in his car. “Was he really moving out?” I wondered. I wanted to jump for joy. I assumed he was evicted and the police were called so there wouldn’t be any fighting. When his car was finally loaded with his stuff, he pulled away – never to be seen again. About 20 minutes later, an older woman and her son pulled up and walked into the house. I will introduce myself to her and welcome her to the neighborhood…

The next morning, it felt like something was lifted and I felt a “lightness” all around me. It has been 5 nights since Larry moved in and it has been peaceful and quiet. I know God’s timing is perfect, but this just blew me away that 2 days before he moved in, the situation was taken care of and I didn’t do a thing but trust God and send love. Did our attitude of seeing it as an “opportunity” to love rather than a “problem” have anything to do with it? I don’t know, but I am just very grateful for how it all worked out.

My old behaviors reared their ugly head

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Mar
25

We all want to be appreciated; it feels good to be appreciated when we have done something nice for someone else. I go out of my way to appreciate others when they have done something nice or been kind to me. I love to compliment others when they have something pretty on or have beautiful eyes.

But, there is a problem when I obsessively look (outside) to others to love, accept and appreciate me. When that happens, I leave myself and lose myself because I want someone to fill the void, instead of me filling it with my own love, acceptance and appreciation.  It’s been an interesting week to witness my “old behaviors rearing their ugly head.” Thankfully, I have the tools to come HOME to myself and take my power back.

We all have the power to depreciate or appreciate ourselves. The choice is ours. To depreciate means something has lost its value over the years.  To appreciate means its value has increased and we recognize the quality, significance or magnitude of something. I am choosing to appreciate myself and recognize my value.

I shared with Larry, “I’m feeling stressed and I’m tired.” I know that moving is one of the top stressors, especially when combining households and letting go of things that are no longer useful to make room for Larry’s things. I’m also helping Larry get ready to move here and get rid of things he doesn’t need. On top of that, although I have truly enjoyed it, I have had friends staying at my home for the past few months.  In addition, I have been preparing for a 4- day retreat which is the weekend before Larry moves in.

Although Larry was attentive and understanding when I shared my stress with him, I didn’t think he was really able to grasp the magnitude of my experience of stress. Perhaps I wanted sympathy, even though I said I wasn’t complaining, just acknowledging my feelings. I felt annoyed with him, which is an indication I am giving my power away. Deep down, I was looking to him to appreciate me and say, “You are doing such a great job and I would be stressed if I were you too.”

Looking to others, no matter how much they want to help or love us cannot and will not fill the “hole in our soul.”  It will never be enough. They are not meant to fill us up, so no matter how hard they try, it is futile.

It is only God that can fill the “hole in our soul” because that is how we were created. What I have learned is that I need to give myself the love, acceptance and appreciation that I crave from others.  Instead of looking to Larry to appreciate the magnitude of my stress, I needed to appreciate myself. It’s my appreciation that I crave, not the world’s.

When this awareness came to the light while I was praying, it felt like there was a shift inside of me and the stress lifted. I still had all same things to do, but I felt a new freedom inside. What I thought I needed from Larry, I gave to myself. This is what I did to re-focus and come HOME to myself.

  • I wrote a list of 50 things that I appreciated about myself. What I appreciate, appreciate
  • I listened to my son, Tim’s, visualization on loving, accepting and appreciating ourselves
  • I focused on what was good and working in my life
  • I increased my daily gratitude
  • I forgave myself for giving my power away and leaving myself
  • I focused on giving myself pleasure and having fun; i.e. swimming, walking, dancing, snorkeling
  • I had a massage
  • When I went to bed, I thought about all the things I appreciate about myself.

I depreciate my value and worth when I look to others for my value. I appreciate my value and worth when I give it to myself. Here are some things we do to depreciate ourselves on a daily basis. Which ones can you relate to?

  • When we judge ourselves to be “not good enough” or strong enough
  • When we say YES when we mean NO
  • When we choose fear instead of love
  • When we don’t speak our truth and live in integrity
  • When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our feelings
  • When we want to please others at the expense of ourselves
  • When we don’t trust ourselves and our intuition
  • When we beat up on ourselves and live from the “shoulds”
  • When we try to control others
  • When we procrastinate about making important decisions (or small ones)
  • When we think we have all the answers and don’t listen to others
  • When we don’t pray/meditate and depend on Spirit
  • When we don’t take time for ourselves to enjoy life and use our gifts
  • When we don’t live in the present moment and worry about the past or the future
  • When we don’t know how to relax and just BE
  • When we  are unable or unwilling to forgive
  • When we medicate our feelings through addictions i.e. alcohol, drugs, shopping, busyness, food, gambling, codependency

I am grateful for the daily lessons to grow and live my best life. We must be willing to go within and listen to our souls. We must be willing to change and do whatever we need to do to heal the “hole in our souls.”  We have the POWER to change because the POWER is within us to live a magnificent life. I encourage you to live your life to the fullest, because you are worth it. We are not promised tomorrow.

My Soulmate is going to become my Roomate

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Mar
17

As I started to write my blog this morning, I opened to a reading about faith that I would like to share with you. It’s from “Creative Ideas” by Ernest Holmes.

“Then we can rest in complete confidence that our words, spoken in faith, are the presence and power and activity of the Spirit in us. All sense of making things happen or holding thoughts or uncertainty is put aside, and with childlike acceptance we make known our requests with thanksgiving.”

It’s hard to believe that I moved into my beautiful home overlooking the ocean on April 15th of last year. Only a few days after that, my eyes and heart were opened to the love of my life, Larry. After being best friends for 2 years with no romantic feelings, it took me by surprise (my God is a God of surprises) when I started to have some stirrings within. I dropped the bomb on April 23rd when I informed him I was having feelings for him.

Now here it is almost a year later and Larry will be moving in on March 26th and we will be living in this beautiful home together. It’s a big move for both of us, but we both know in our hearts that it is the next right step for our relationship. I have been living alone for 15 years and Larry has been alone for 3 years so I am sure it will be a transition time for both of us, but we are both expecting it to flow with peace, ease and grace.  We get what we expect, right!

Before I met my soul mate, I was concerned what it would look like because I liked my “alone time” and independence. I liked the freedom of doing what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. I didn’t want to lose myself as I did in past relationships.  As a codependent, I looked to others to fill me and define me, rather than going within and filling myself up. I was also focused on others, at the expense of myself.

It took me many years to find myself and love myself and I didn’t want a new relationship to come in the way and destroy that. After being in a relationship with Larry for almost a year, I can truly say that my love relationship with myself has continued to grow and deepen. Today, I have myself and a man in my life that I can love and who loves and adores me. I think it’s called “interdependence” and it feels very healthy. It is not perfect, but we have learned to negotiate and focus on what’s important to both of us. Our time together is very precious and we take nothing for granted. Each day is a gift that we are grateful for.

As I have shared in past blogs, I “stepped out in faith” when I moved into my present home because my rent more than doubled. I know it was God’s grace that gave me the courage to take such a leap of faith because I truly didn’t know where the extra money was going to come from. I had a plan, but of course, I didn’t know if it was going to pan out the way I wanted it to. I know it is God’s plan, when after I’ve prayed about something and released it, the peace comes when I make my decision. I also live my faith walk by asking God to open or close the door for my highest good.

I am in “awe” and gratitude for how God has provided for me this past year and how the money flowed to me easily and effortlessly. I remember that the HOW is not up to me. I just need to follow my heart and the wisdom within and trust God’s faithfulness to His promises.

With Larry moving in, I had the opportunity to clean and get rid of things that I no longer needed. I was going through a box of personal things when I came across several of my “Intention Books” that I put together over the past 10 years. My intention books are like vision boards, but in a book form. I prayed daily with my intention books.  I was truly moved as I saw the pictures, dreams and desires of my heart that I am now experiencing and living. Here are some of the highlights of what was in the books.

Louise Hay writes, “When we follow our inner star, we sparkle and shine in our own unique way.” So it is no surprise that Larry’s nickname for me is “Sparkle.”

I received this reading in 2008: “Have faith that God will continue to help and support you. You are about to take a leap in faith. It’s safe for you to make this leap. You are following your heart’s desire and wisdom and it will pay unforeseen dividends. Your steady optimism will attract opportunities and support your needs. “

Life is short. Live your dream. LIVE PLAY. Vision is having faith in your dreams. My soul mate and I hold the perfect space for one another within our open hearts. Imagine a life and LIVE it. The Lord has an incredible destiny for you.

This is a prayer I wrote several years ago. “I surrender all to you. I let go and let God, I release. I say YES to my life, your life within me. I say YES to all of life as I trust the Spirit within. All that I am and do, I give to God. I trust the will of God in my life to lead and guide me from this day forward. I surrender my dream and vision to God with complete faith that I will realize the best possible outcome. I fully accept my gifts and talents to be used in the service of others. Thank you for allowing me to share your love and be your voice in this world. I am deeply humbled and honored.”

My heart overflows with joy as I step into my life on a daily basis and allow God to surprise me. All I know for sure is that God wants only my good and everything I attract into my life is for my highest good. Love is all there is.

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Pat Hastings

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