Conscious Detachment

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Do you want peace in your life? Do you want to feel respected and loved? Learning Conscious Detachment can dramatically improve your relationships with your loved ones so they will also feel respected and loved.

What is Conscious Detachment? It’s emotionally separating from a person.  It’s the freedom to own what’s yours and allow other’s to own what’s theirs. When we detach, we let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves.

There are behaviors that can give us clues that we need to detach which

include, but are not limited to; obsessing about another person, feeling like a victim, making excuses for another person, worrying, depression, not sleeping, overeating, blaming others, nagging, trying to manipulate, feeling out of control, feelings of urgency that we need to do something or fix someone, feeling guilty that it’s our fault.

Detachment is difficult because of our need to control. We may fear that if we let go of control, something bad will happen. Control is an illusion. We may not trust that the person we need to detach from will  make the right decision on their own and that they need our advice. People are often unaware that they have a need to control and are surprised when someone tells them that they are controlling.

Refusing to feel is a sign that we may be controlling. Controlling behavior requires denying, ignoring our own needs and feeling resentful when our needs are not met. When we try to control others and that includes adult children, we don’t give them choices and that’s not loving or respectful.

Examples of controlling behavior may be quiet anger, disapproval, being nice, silence, apologizing, guilt, reminders, suggestions, lectures, complaining, pouting, being hurt and refusing to ask for what we need.


It’s getting the focus off changing another person no matter how much we love them. We begin to focus on ourselves and what needs to be changed in us. This is where the power is. It’s getting the focus off the past – what we’ve done, not done, what someone has done to us or not done.

It’s not focusing on the future with all the “what if’s.” It’s allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, letting them go, being in the present moment and trusting in a power greater than ourselves.

Taken from Ivanla Vanzant’s book “Tapping the Power Within”

Detachment is:

  • We care, but don’t intrude.
  • We honor people and their process even if it looks dysfunctional to us.
  • We allow people to learn, grow and unfold at their own pace.
  • We trust and respect people enough to let them live their own lives.
  • We hold no expectation or judgements about what their process looks like or how long it will take.
  • We ask them what direction they are choosing for themselves.
  • We trust that divine order will guide them.
  • We remember how our learning, growing healing process must have looked to others and we offer compassion that we didn’t  receive.
  • We trust that people can make it on their own.


  • Get honest with our feelings
  • Talk to people we trust and understand us
  • Get in touch with Higher Power, ask for help and pray
  • Dump all anger and resentment

The first step in detaching with love is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior.  This means that we can no longer blame our loved ones for the way we feel. No one makes us feel anything. It’s our reaction to the behavior that causes us pain, anger, resentment and disappointment. We lose ourselves when we become so involved in another’s behavior. Regaining our self-respect and self-esteem is a big benefit of detaching with love.
The next step in detaching with love is acceptance. Acceptance is the
key. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we necessarily feel ok about
current or past situations. It means that we stop trying to change
what we have no power over.  Acceptance brings PEACE. Acceptance
is letting go of control and accepting what is.


  1. June 7, 2010 at 11:15 pmI love this article! You naeild it on so many different levels.Often, when we make big changes in our life and have a growth spurt either business related or spiritually or just positive change, we can lose people close to us.Back in 1997 when I started surfing, I loved it so much that I was doing it every day. I was so happy that I found something that brought so much incredible joy and was healthy and fun. But the downside: One of my closest friends couldn’t stand the change I was making. It hurt our friendship.On the topic of being ourselves without concern of what others think: This is the one reason I actually enjoy getting older. The older I get, the less I care if someone doesn’t approve. For every person that is amazed by you, there will be another who is not accepting of you. And this goes for family members as well as doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Only you can decide what’s best for you. Silliness and all. Being yourself leads to one thing: enjoying your life fully. And that’s why we’re here, right?! .-= Maria Brophy s last blog ..How to Never get Ripped Off AGAIN – For Freelancers =-. Reply

    Comment by Evelynne — December 13, 2015 @ 11:05 pm

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