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“It felt like I was in a very Dark Tunnel”

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Jan
2

I want to wish you all a Happy New Year from Rhode Island. I like to think about the past year and all that’s happened and to think about all I want to co-create with God in the coming year. For me, this year has been a year of “going within” to heal and to learn how to BE, rather than a human DOING.  I have also learned how to really “play” and have fun and be me.

I don’t know what this year is going to look like, but I know I want to expand into the world, using my gifts for the good of all. I am excited to see what doors are going to open as I say YES to being the best I can be. I am opening my heart to receive all the love and joy that is mine.

Although I love being with my family, it can be stressful with old family dynamics playing out. I often hear people say that they are glad when the holidays are over because they are so stressful and I am no different than anyone else. The day before I came to Rhode Island, as I walked along the ocean, I felt alive, free, happy and joyful. It was my intention and prayer to show up as ME and allow my light to shine and to bring that love and joy to my family.

Have you ever prayed for something, perhaps to change an old behavior in yourself and HOW it “showed up” is not the way you thought it was going to show up? In fact, you judged the way it “showed up” as wrong and bad.

I wasn’t expecting “The Perfect Storm” to erupt in my body when I returned to Rhode Island to visit my family. I didn’t see it coming. We often think we have dealt with something from the past, but unless we deal with it on all levels (body, mind and spirit) it can come back. And it sure did! It felt like I was in a tunnel that was dark and very painful. At first, I judged myself as wrong for the feelings I was experiencing. I thought things like, “I shouldn’t be feeling these feelings after years of therapy, I thought this was healed, why is this coming up now and AGAIN?”

Thankfully, I allowed myself to think and feel whatever was coming up. I gave myself permission to stay in the tunnel for as long as needed so I could fill myself up with love. I spent time alone and rested, instead of pushing myself to do things with the family. During the quiet time, I asked myself some questions: “Was this old stuff coming up? What was mine and what was theirs? What was past and what was present? What did I need to change and own? What was the gift in all of this?”

I asked for help and allowed myself to be vulnerable, which was not an easy thing to do in the middle of the pain. I am much better sharing when something is over and I have learned my lesson and see the gift. My Spirit knew that if I allowed myself to go into the pain and even thank the pain, I would come out on the other side into the light and healed. This has always been my process and I trusted I would get through to the other side. And I did.

I have read in Dr. Dain Heer’s book, Being You, Changing the World, that being uncomfortable and in pain is an awareness that change is underfoot. I must be willing to have the intensity of pain if I am going to have the change to BE myself and show up as me (which is exactly what I had prayed for).  The greater the change you choose, the more uncomfortable it may seem for a while. It’s really the way we know that the change we have been asking for is being created. We have been taught that being
uncomfortable and in pain are bad and wrong. Instead of the pain being wrong, what if this pain is the greatest rightness because it lets us know that we are headed in the direction of the change we are asking for?

One of the most common things we do is to recreate the trauma and drama that we used to function from because it is familiar and we know who we are. How many times do we have to recreate this drama before we allow ourselves to be free and show up as ourselves? I asked myself, “Am I willing to let it go and choose differently? YES I am.  Today, I choose to function from living in the question, choice and possibility. I ask myself the question, “Would an infinite being choose this?”

It was amazing when I woke up the next morning after allowing myself to feel the pain and go through the dark tunnel. I felt different inside and it was like I was a new person. I felt lighter and was free to be ME. I reminded myself that what I had prayed for (to show up as ME and allow my light to shine and to bring that joy to my family) had “showed up” in a totally different way than I thought it was going to. Spirit knew what needed healing deep within for me to BE the light in my family. With the grace of God, I am letting go of past drama and choosing differently.

I received this email right after I finished this blog.

“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you well, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”

Quote: “Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us”.

 

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Pat Hastings

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