“I Didn’t Expect to end my day in Tears
Recently I had a delightful day with my friend Ellen, who invited me to a holiday pops concert at the Maui Arts and Cultural Center. I had started my morning in prayer and had written a hundred things I was grateful for, so after such a lovely experience, I didn’t expect to end my day in tears.
Even though I have wonderful friends here in Maui that love me and who I enjoy spending time with, that night, I went to bed feeling a deep sense of loneliness and sadness. These feelings seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt like the energy was drained from me and I cried as I drifted off to sleep. I couldn’t remember my dream but when I woke up, it felt like I was hit by a big wave. As I got out of bed, I heard the words, “Pat, practice what you preach and don’t give up before the miracle.”
That morning I was scheduled for my weekly online conference call with 3 other women. I called my friend Kati to tell her I didn’t want to be on the call because I felt like I had been hit by a wave and was crying. I didn’t want to be vulnerable with the other women who I had just met a few weeks ago. Kati listened and encouraged me to participate in the call and said, “We are not meant to walk alone” but she also gave me permission to do what my heart needed to do. I didn’t want to be a part of the call but I also didn’t want to deny myself love from the other women. She encouraged me to “be grateful and welcome the wave because there would be a release that would be very powerful.”
I decided to “show up” and reluctantly called into the conference number a few minutes later. What is interesting is that the other 2 women were not able to be on the call that morning, and it was only Kati and I. Kati shared that this is an intense time on our planet and what was happening to me (releasing old karma, beliefs and wounds) is happening world- wide. There is an intense global purification and everything is coming up to be purified. We are a part of a global shift and we are all feeling the effects of it in different ways.
There is more light being ushered into our solar system than ever before because the sun has changed polarities. This affects our physical bodies very powerfully as well as our nervous system and brain. The transformation to the “golden age” is happening on our planet right now, and it is tapping our cellular memory and bringing to light any memories that have been tucked away for many years. They are coming up for us to look at them, feel any old emotions that have been repressed or stuck, so that we can release them and heal completely.
We must clear out of our system what no longer serves us by releasing and surrendering it back into the light. This is a time of healing our wounds, the grief, trauma, sadness and the separation from spirit and thinking we are alone. We are invited to allow the sadness, grief to flow through us, so we will be restored to feeling love and knowing our perfection.
After speaking with Kati, I spent the day alone loving myself and doing whatever I needed to do to release these intense feelings that were surfacing. I trusted that this was coming up so it could be released and healed. I didn’t have to know why (or where) these feelings were coming from, I just had to allow myself to feel them and let them run through me. It was very uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do with myself at times. I slept, cried, prayed and wrote about what I was experiencing. By that evening, the feelings were gone and I felt renewed again.
That night, I picked up a book called, “Finding your way home” by Melody Beattie and was surprised to read a chapter on Healing Emotions that confirmed my experience that day. Here is what she wrote, “Sometimes we go numb for survival’s sake and stop bothering to feel. That may have worked then, but no more. Now, our soul wants to survive. To do that, we need to feel. And feel. And feel. We don’t want our feelings to control us. But they do, until we feel them. Feeling our feelings means we bow to them, we acknowledge them. Stay with it until you can feel the emotional charge, until it resonates within you and your body tells you it is so. Then release the energy. Breathe it out. Let it move through your entire system. Get it out of your field. Be done with it. You may experience unexpected, yet powerful emotions that quickly dissolve. You may experience purging on physical and emotional levels. Try to ride the wave of these changes and remain clear. Trust the process and you will experience an accelerated rhythm of cleansing and purification. After you clear each obstacle, you will be open to new levels of energy and must assimilate and integrate them.”
Stepping into the “Golden Age” on Earth means we are leaving behind old beliefs and feelings that no longer serve us. This cycle is about co-creating on the planet with Mother Earth and each other. This is what we have been waiting for- seeing unity in all things. This is a time to be the light and to hold this vision of light in ourselves and others. Sometimes, it is easy for me to see the light in other people, but not always easy to see the light in me. If I can see the light in another person then I believe that is a reflection of the same light in me, so I must embrace it and claim it as mine.
Today, I am feeling grateful for the wave of energy that brought healing and love to me, enabling me to release old emotions so that I can receive and radiate more light into my life and into the world.
Have you been hit by a wave lately? It may have hit you in your personal relationships, business, health or finances. Don’t be afraid because all is well and in divine order. We must remember this is a time of purification, letting go, surrendering and trusting. It is a time to deepen our relationship with Spirit.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a beautiful plaque from my friend Mary that said, “This Little Light of Mine I’m going to let it shine”. As we approach the special season of Christmas, let us prepare our hearts and minds to receive more of God’s light. Let us all shine our light for the world to see because we are the hands and feet of God and the world needs us now, more than ever.
As I was about to send this out, I received an email that read, “Catch the wave of love, light and unity and then turn around and spread it around.” I am spreading the wave of love, light and unity to you.
Find Yourself, Know Yourself, BE Yourself
As I thought about writing this blog, I asked God, “What do you want me to write about?” Then I prayed that it would flow with peace, ease and grace. It’s been an uneventful and peaceful week (yea) living in paradise, with no big lessons and nothing coming up to be healed or let go of (that I was aware of, anyway). My intention for today was to hear God more clearly and to heal and transform whatever blocks me from receiving more good in my life (which is more of God.)
As I lay on my bed to rest and listen to God, I heard the words of my father resounding in my head. He always used to say to me, “FIND YOURSELF!” As a young girl, I had no idea what that meant, but it stuck with me for all of these years. I am not sure that he even knew what it meant, but he somehow knew it was important to impart to me. Over the years I have added the words: FIND YOURSELF, KNOW YOURSELF, AND BE YOURSELF! As I began to think about those words my father used to say to me, I realized that as a child, I was lost – to myself. I had no sense of self and had no idea how to love myself. I was not taught how to love myself or that it was even important to do so.
In Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to Be Me, she writes, “I was taught to put others first and myself last. I wasn’t taught to love myself or to value who and what I am. Therefore, I had very little to offer others. Only when we love ourselves unconditionally accepting ourselves as the magnificent creatures we are can we offer the same to anyone else. Cherishing the self comes first, and caring for others comes naturally. Selfishness comes from too little self-love, not too much, as we compensate for our lack. Our world suffers from too little self-love and too much judgment, insecurity, fear and mistrust”
One of the painful messages that I received as a child from my parents was that I was conceited. I don’t even know if I understood what the word meant, but it didn’t sound good because it sounded like I was selfish. Now I can see that all I wanted was to have my parent’s attention, to know that I was loved unconditionally, and to be valued no matter what. Unfortunately, I didn’t experience any of that due to generations of family alcoholism and abuse, so my emotional and spiritual needs were not meant.
There are 3 unspoken rules in an alcoholic home (or any dysfunctional system where your needs are not met.) They are: Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel and Don’t Trust. Because of these rules and the pain that was inside of me, I learned to be a “people pleaser” and became really good at it! Pleasing others and achieving seemed to be my mission in life because I didn’t know any better on how to get what I needed. My life was driven by fear; fear of displeasing others, of failure and not being good enough. I had no idea of what I wanted or what I was feeling, but I thought I knew what everybody else needed. I desperately needed to be loved and looked outside of myself to get the love that was inside of me all of the time. If I made YOU happy and pleased you, you would love me. I was clearly love-starved and “beat up on myself” because I never felt good enough no matter what I did. I pushed myself hard to do better and be better and became exhausted in the process. I had no idea how to listen to my father’s words and FIND MYSELF.
When I listen to the words of Amazing Grace – “I was lost, but now am found,” I recognize that it was through the grace of God that I was found and, developing my relationship with God was how I found myself. Today I know that I was never lost to God because God and I are ONE. Even in the darkest moments, God was always there for me loving me into wholeness. My father’s advice was right because FINDING MYSELF has been the greatest joy and gift, although it was sometimes painful and I kicked and screamed along the way.
It has been a life long journey to get to know myself (which will continue for the rest of my life) and then learn how to love, honor and trust myself. I have learned how to give myself what I need rather than always looking outside for others to do that for me. I have also learned how to ask for what I need when I need it. Most importantly, I have learned to go within and find the Love, which is God. Without the grace of God in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. As I look back over my life, I am amazed how I have changed and grown and have asked myself, “Who is this woman I have become?”
To think that I traveled over 5,000 miles across the ocean by myself, to follow my heart and live in Hawaii blows me away! I have to laugh because there was a time when I wouldn’t go out to lunch by myself because I was afraid that people would think I didn’t have any friends. I even dropped out of college in my junior year for a year because I didn’t think I could write a twenty-page paper! A few years later, after facing my fear, I finished college and wrote a successful book called, Simply a Woman of Faith.
I do not regret anything that has happened to me over the years because it has made me the woman I am today. Growing up in an alcoholic home prepared me for my life’s work as an alcohol and drug therapist. Learning to forgive everyone and every experience from my childhood is how I can help my clients to do the same. Everything I have experienced has been a gift that has helped me to FIND MYSELF.
Today, I strive to be aware of what I want, think and feel and to love myself unconditionally. I have learned to do that by trusting that I am a child of God and experiencing God’s unconditional love. Every day, I practice gratitude and choose to live in love instead of fear, as I offer my authentic self to the world. I am learning not to push to “make things happen” anymore, but to allow what is mine to come to me. My desire is to be the woman God created me to be, to be the star that leads others to the God within. I want to be who I am, and follow my heart in every action I take. I believe that is how you FIND YOURSELF, and then, when you allow your true self to come forth, your life will transform from the inside out.
“Lessons are coming fast and furious”
For the first time in my life, I have an iPhone. I used to have a basic phone where all I did was make and receive phone calls and it was great. Now I am in the big leagues with an iPhone that has so many functions that I am still learning how to use it. Being in Maui and not knowing the streets, I especially love the GPS who talks to me and tells me where to go. When I am going in the wrong direction, some funny thing comes on the screen and she quickly “RECALCULATES” and gets me back in the direction I need to go. I feel like God has been “RECALCULATING” me all week long. Please let me share the events of the week with you.
After I returned from my mini vacation to Kauai, I tried to settle back in to my new home. The first thing that happened was that I learned the house where my ohana is in, was sold and the landlords were moving out Dec 6, 2012. I knew when I rented my place that the house was on the market, so it wasn’t a complete surprise. I also trusted that I would be provided for and if it didn’t work out for me to stay here, I would just find another place to live. Easier said than done! I don’t really want to move out and look for another place. I know that I may not have to move out when the new owners buy it, but there is that possibility. Since the house was on the market when I rented it, I signed a 3 month lease, which will bring me to January 17th. I am trusting that nothing will change and I will easily sign a another one year lease with the new owners.
I wish I could say there was no fear, but there was. This is just another area I am being invited to trust more deeply that God is in control and has me covered. I know that everything that happens is a gift and for my highest good. I also know that all separation is fear when I forget that God and I are one. When I remember God is with me and I am with God, fear leaves me.
Today’s lesson in the book, “Absolutely Effortless Prosperity” by Bijan is “I am realizing that all of my experiences happen for a reason. I choose to see each one as a part of my personal growth. Because of this, I can give up control and let God lead the way. God knows what is best for me, far better than I do. Today, I know that God loves me more than I love myself. When I trust God, I do not question any event that happens. I know that everything that occurs in my life is in my best interest. My power to create miracles for myself begins as I realize that I can make a conscious choice to trust God.”
After reading and pondering this powerful message, I was “RECALCULATED” and trusted that I was going in the right direction again because I felt peaceful. But, it didn’t last for long. I began feeling stressed and my chest felt heavy (very unusual for me). I no longer felt the peace that I had been experiencing since I arrived in Maui. I wrote in my journal one night, “God, I’m not sure what is going on, I feel like crying. I have a headache (and I rarely get headaches). Things seem off. I am really struggling and can’t seem to shake this heaviness. Please bring me into your truth and light. What is coming up God? Is it fear, control? I want my peace back and to live in the flow. How and why have I lost my peace?”
A couple of things seemed to be coming up for me that I was able to identify. I was feeling some fear around not having enough money and coming from a place of lack and scarcity, something I have worked on for many years. I remembered what I read a few weeks ago about the meaning of prosperity. Prosperity is knowing I will always be provided for. I was being “RECALCULATED” again to the truth of what I know in my being. How easy it is to forget the truth that God is my source. Thank God for my inner GPS to get me going in the right direction again.
As I have shared in other blogs, it is the desire of my heart to meet my soul mate and I know that God brought me to Maui to meet him here. I have been opening my heart and thanking God for the right and perfect man for several years now. I thought I was ready until recently when I started to date (yea) and felt some anxiety come up. After I prayed about it, it seemed like some of my stress and heaviness was coming from dating again and wanting to know what was going to happen (control). Instead of just having fun and relaxing, I was obsessing a bit and perhaps, even ready to sabotage myself. After I welcomed the fear, I reassured myself and said, “Of course you have some fear, this is new and it’s been a while since you dated.”
I am happy to report that today I am relaxing and giving myself permission to play and have fun. I don’t need to see the future; all I need to do is to live in the present moment and allow whatever happens to happen. What is mine will come to me at the right and perfect time.
My friend recently said to me, “Lessons are coming fast and furious to many of us light workers.” This is true and I am grateful that I can work through these lessons rather quickly and RECALCULATE so I can go on to the next lesson. I want to be free and live my life to the fullest. Once I recognize that fear or control is coming up, I can choose not to stay there. I can choose Love because I know Love is all there is and fear is an illusion, although sometimes, it really feels real.
Are you living your life in peace? Are there areas in your life where you need to RECALCULATE?
Here are my 6 TIPS TO LIVE IN PEACE that I practice daily.
1. Show Up – Develop a daily spiritual practice of prayer and meditation.
2. Ask For What You Want – and expect an answer. Be clear about what you want. Visualize and Believe.
3. Be Grateful – An attitude of gratitude is the key to make things manifest quickly. Focus on what you have, rather than what’s missing.
4. Forgive Yourself & Others – Holding onto resentment and anger blocks the energy flow and prevents or slows down your ability to manifest your dreams.
5. Have Faith – Your prayers are being answered. Faith is believing in what you cannot see. Change your thinking.
6. Let Go of Control – Trust the process and surrender to what is. You are exactly where you need to be.
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