I jumped out of bed, threw some water on my face and sat down at my computer because I had to write! I have never done that, until today. I asked myself, “What happens when you get hit right between the eyes with an aspect of yourself that is not very pretty and you didn’t know was there? YOU ACCEPT IT AND LOVE IT!
Is it easy to do? No it’s not, but I know it’s the only way and an invitation from God to love myself more deeply. It is an opportunity to heal the darkness within that Spirit is shining its flashlight on. It is not a time to beat up on myself and shame myself by saying, “You should know better after all these years of being on the spiritual path.” I have done enough of that in my lifetime. Today was a new day and a time to love myself, perhaps in a way that I had never done before.
I remembered something I read in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says: “Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. If I cannot accept every person, place and thing as exactly as it is, I will not have peace.” And that includes myself.
You might be wondering to yourself, “So what is the big deal she is going to share about herself with us?” It may not be big to you, but it is for me. One of the emotions I used to hate and felt awful about myself was when I felt jealous. Whenever, I felt jealous, I learned to say to myself, “Okay, jealousy, you are here again, come on in and have a cup of tea.” This was a great exercise to do to accept this emotion and heal it and it worked fast. In fact, I do with all of my emotions.
|I haven’t struggled with jealousy in years. Of course, there were brief episodes of jealousy that passed like the clouds, but no big deal. But, today, was different. I was outright jealous of a situation with a friend that I couldn’t shake off. I felt insecure, threatened, and judgmental and like a little kid again. I wondered, “Where the hell is this coming from?” I shared it with my friend, Kati, and she said,”Pat, What do you think this is about?” I laughed and said, “I just asked myself the same question.” As I have shared before in other blogs, my belief is that I attract everything into my life for my highest good and that everything that happens to me has a purpose and meaning. When I reminded myself of that, I felt comforted and wanted to accept and love myself just as I am.
For most of my life, I have had to prove myself to God and others, and that was very exhausting. I remembered that I had prayed and asked God to make me a pure instrument of love and that what was hidden in the darkness to come to the light to be healed and transformed. I felt lighter and decided to have a “Love Feast” day – to fill myself with the love from within. I decided to spend the day in prayer and read “A Return to Love”, by Marianne Williamson. I read the book several years ago and loved it. It talked about the principles of the “The Course in Miracles” in the book. I didn’t have the book anymore, so I went to the library to get it. Here are some excerpts from Maryann’s book that helped me understand my present experience.
“Spiritual progress is like a detoxification. Things have to come up in order to be released. Once we have asked to be healed, then our unhealed places are forced to the surface. Our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into our conscious awareness. Our fearful places have to be revealed before they can be healed. Our ego is merely our fears. We all have egos and that doesn’t make us bad people. Our egos are not where we are bad, but where we are wounded. We are all afraid at some level that if people saw who we really are, they would recoil in horror. That is why we invent the mask, to hide our true selves. But the true self – the Christ within us is that which is most beautiful. We must reveal ourselves at the deepest level in order to find how loveable we really are. When we dig deep enough into our real nature, we don’t find darkness. We find endless light.
The holy relationship is when we feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing that our darkness will not be judged, but forgiven. In this way, we are healed and freed to move into the light of our true being. This process of no longer being anesthetized by unconsciousness can be painful and we may be tempted to go backwards. It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than to choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that could last the rest of our lives. When we feel jealous, it is because of the need to hold on to whatever we’ve got. It is because we think another person’s good takes away from my own. The ego is a belief in finite resources, but love is infinite. When we are in touch with our negative feelings and are able to release them, we feel the love that is beneath the feelings.”
I felt comforted by these words and knew I was experiencing deep inner healing. Although I felt very vulnerable and scared (we are all afraid at some level that if people saw who we really are, they would recoil in horror) I decided to share my feelings of jealously with my friend.
I have a deep respect for this person and trusted that I would be loved no matter what, and that is exactly what happened. Instead of feeling like a horrible person for being honest about what I was experiencing, I felt deeply loved and secure. As Williamson said “The holy relationship is when we feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing that our darkness will not be judged, but forgiven.” I believe this experience brought us closer as friends and my wounds were healed by God’s love.
When you receive this blog, I will be just landing in Rhode Island, as I am spending the month of July with family and friends. I would like to offer you an opportunity to meet with me for a coaching session or a day of healing to help you move forward and create the life you desire. Please email me or call and we can set up an appointment. 401-862-8859.
Happy 4th of July!
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