Tears poured out of me & I wanted to crawl up in a ball

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Feb
11

During meditation this morning, I imagined myself picking people for my team. I remember as a child when the captain of each team picked who they wanted to be on their teams. How horrible it felt if you were picked last.

Instead of team mates, I imagined myself picking words to be on my team and support me on my spiritual journey. I picked 11 words or values starting with Love, Trust, Peace, Joy, Contentment, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Gratitude, Prayer and Faith. I then imagined myself, as the captain of the team, in the middle of a huddle doing a cheer together. As a cheerleader in high school, this was easy for me to imagine. The cheer was “The team is in the middle, the captain is at the head, they all got together and this is what they said, T.E.A.M. go TEAM go.” I felt so safe and protected being in the middle of the huddle. Perhaps it is also like being in the middle of all the angels and our loved ones.

This visualization reminded me that I am the captain of my life and my team. My team is there to support me and they are dedicated to my success. They want me to win and will do what I direct them to do. In order for them to support me, I must know what I want and then be able to communicate what I want them to do. Do you have a team of supportive people and do you feel protected and loved?  

To be the captain of my team means I must be responsible for my life, my thoughts, feelings, actions and choices. I can surround myself with people who are supportive and loving or with people who are energy vampires. I can surround myself with all the values that I chose for my team and call upon them at any time when I need them.

It has been an interesting week and I have spent quite a bit of time alone and going within, remembering what has happened in the past and listening to what Spirit is saying to me today. As I shared last week, I am looking for a new home and there are decisions I have to make. Do I need to make provisions for a storage unit for my furniture and where will I live if I don’t find a place before the end of the month?

As the days tick off, and it gets closer to the end of the month, I am constantly in prayer and choosing trust instead of worry and fear. Have I felt fear? Yes I have. I wrote in my journal one morning that I felt like a little girl who wanted her daddy to take care of her because I didn’t feel strong.  

I have surrounded myself with beautiful, supportive, loving beings on my team. I have asked for prayer and help when I needed it. I am doing all I know to do and it’s up to God to do the rest. I know that God is working behind the scenes and preparing the perfect and right place for me to live. I am acting “as if” and packing boxes and cleaning my ohana. I know the miracle is around the corner as I let go and trust.

In prayer, I heard God say to “REST, instead of pushing and rushing. Give your fears to me and have faith that you are being taken care of. Let go of worrying about HOW your needs will be met because I will take care of all the details. Be open to receiving gifts and help from other people.”  

Has this ever happened to you? One minute you are full of peace, knowing all is well and the next minute you are so stressed that the tears are pouring out of you and you just want to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep? Perhaps just the human condition! When I’m feeling like this, it is an invitation not to judge myself, but to love and accept myself just the way I am.  It is not only an invitation to be gentle and to love myself, but to allow others to love me when I’m feeling so vulnerable and weak. To strengthen my faith, I have been carrying a heart shaped stone that says FAITH on it.  Whenever my faith is shaky, I just put my hand in my pocket and peace returns. Today, I found a small rock that said, TRUST so that is in my other pocket.

Years ago, when I worked as an alcohol and drug therapist, I had a patient who had real difficulty with the concept of God and a Higher Power. He truly wanted to believe, but it took time for him to get there. I gave him a rock to carry with him and he called it his “Pocket God.” He said, “Pat, until I am able to believe, I will carry in my pocket Pats “Pocket God.” In time, through this small act of faith, he found his own Higher Power.

My own experience this week reminded me of what happened with my client. I told my friend, Kati, “My faith is shaky, please pray for me. I am not feeling like a woman of faith today.” She said, “I know who you are, I will remember for you, until you can remember again.”  Sometimes, I just need another person who believes in me to hold that for me until I get aligned with Spirit again and know the truth of who I am and who God is in my life.

What I know about the spiritual life is that it is about progress and not perfection. I pray, ask for help, let go, trust, surrender, do a gratitude list and feel my feelings. I don’t have to pretend that a woman of faith doesn’t have fear. I am trusting that I am moving through it and will come out the other side stronger, brighter and lighter.

I want to stay in the middle of the huddle, with my team of angels and loved ones surrounding me. I know I am protected and God is showering us with divine love. I hold Love, Trust, Peace, Joy, Contentment, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Gratitude, Prayer and Faith in my heart.

Thank you or praying for me, reaching out to me and offering your home for me to stay until I find my right and perfect home. Thank you for being on my team. GO TEAM GO.

                                                                 I am Fearless and Free – Daily Word

I am an overcomer. I am bold and fearless. My indomitable inner power comes not from my ego, but from the power of God within me – for God and I are one. All my accomplishments are the result of a TEAM effort. With God as my partner, no one or no thing can defeat me.

Life is about change

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Feb
11

Life is about change and change is inevitable. You may be in the process of changing a job, a relationship, a belief, a dress size or where you live. It is a fact and it is our attitude and perception about change that makes the difference in our lives.

Do you worry, feel afraid and is your mind like a blender when you sense change is approaching or do you see it as an adventure to grow and invite something new into your life? Sometimes we have no control over the change that is coming upon us and at other times, we know the change is coming and we can try to prepare ourselves. We cannot control when a loved one dies suddenly or when we have an accident that totals our car.

That is why I love the Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

All I can change is me and the choices I make in each moment. I can choose to trust God and believe everything will work out for my highest good and will flow with peace, ease and grace or I can choose to worry and think the worse will happen. This is what I call “future tripping.”

I don’t know about you but when I realize I have a choice about my attitude, I want to choose peace and love over fear and worry. I may have to choose it several times a day when I become aware that I am in the energy of worry or fear.

What works for me is to REMEMBER. I remember who I am as a child of the Universe and I remember where I came from. I choose to remember what has happened in the past and how it ALWAYS worked out for the best and at the right and perfect time. Not always my time, probably never my time, but always God’s time.

As I reflect back on the last 38 years of my awakening and spiritual path, I remember the doors that have opened and closed when it wasn’t for my highest good because I kept believing and trusting God. I used to think I was being “tested” when things didn’t go as I wanted them to go. I don’t believe that any more. I believe that whatever is before me is an invitation for my faith to grow and be strengthened. That feels so much more loving.

In January 2012, God invited me to move to Maui for 6 months. The plan was to rent my condo in Rhode Island and to find a place to live when I moved to Maui. When I made the decision to do this, I bought my round trip airline ticket, but didn’t have anyone to rent my condo nor did I have a place to live in Maui when I got there. I trusted, believed and kept repeating my mantra, “Thank you God for the right and perfect place to live that will flow with peace, ease and grace.” I know it was God’s grace because I truly was peaceful and knew that it would work out perfectly.

And it did, of course! Just a few weeks before I left for Maui, I found the perfect and right tenant. Her name was Carrie Ann and she was from my church. She had just moved to the area from California. I felt total trust in her and never worried a minute about my place while I was in Maui. She loved my home as if it were her own. Her mother died while she was there and she told me it was like her sanctuary and a very healing place for her to live.

The same thing happened in Maui. Just a few weeks before I was scheduled to leave for Maui, I received a phone call from a woman named, Pat, inviting me to stay with her and her husband. For 6 months I lived with Bob and Pat in a beautiful condo on the ocean for $300 a month. Now that is God.

So here I am today in that same place of believing and trusting God for the right and perfect place to live. I have been living in my ohana for a year and a half. It has truly been a safe, sacred and beautiful place to live.

Recently, my friend, Kati, had to move and she had only 2 weeks to find a place to live. Kati is also a woman of faith and she believed her new home would show up easily and effortlessly, which it did – 3 days later. I went with her to look at the first and only ohana she looked at. I fell in love with the spaciousness and view of the ocean from the lanai.

When I walked into my ohana that night, something had shifted inside of me and I was quite surprised. I felt “closed in” and a sense of constriction that I hadn’t experienced before. My arms literally crossed over my chest and I immediately opened my arms wide to receive. I knew that I didn’t want to live there anymore and that my time there was complete. My lease was up at the end of February and I planned on telling my landlord that I would not be renewing my lease. Instead, a couple of days before I returned to Rhode Island my landlord informed me that they would not be renewing my lease because they had plans to do construction on the house. I was so grateful that God had prepared my heart and that I had made the decision to move, rather than feeling like I was being kicked out.

I know what I want in my new home and I have put it out to the Universe. I will continue to trust and believe that what God has done in the past, He will do in the present. I’ve read a few chapters in my book to help me REMEMBER all the “moving” miracles showing up at the perfect and right time.

Although I am told that this is the “worst” time to be looking for a place to rent due to it being “high season” and there hasn’t been anything on Craigslist, I will continue to use my mantra, “Thank you God for the right and perfect place to live that will flow with peace, ease and grace. My faith is being strengthened, for sure and I look forward to sharing how my new home “shows up” in God’s perfect and right timing. I woke up in the middle of the night and started to think about finding a place. I heard God say, “Go back to sleep and let me worry about finding it.” I said, “Okay and immediately fell back to sleep.

Thank you for your energy and prayers concerning finding my new home. I have 3 weeks before my lease is up. Stay tuned and I look forward to sharing the story with you.

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