I felt “uneasy” & vulnerable about putting my paintings out there

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Sep
30

For as long as I can remember, I secretly knew that someday I would paint. I would often say to myself, “You can do that” when I saw a painting at a gallery. I bought a book years ago called, “Drawing on the Left Side of Your Brain” and never opened it, or if I did, never did anything with it.

When I moved to Maui, my friend, Kati, and I did some painting together and then I put it down. I don’t know why I stopped because I really enjoyed it. Perhaps I felt my paintings weren’t “good enough” because I didn’t know anything about drawing or painting and it felt like I was “flying by the seat of my pants.”

A few months ago, (two years later), I asked my friend, Lesta, (who is a professional artist) if I could paint with her. She said, “Yes” and we painted a picture together in her back yard under her tree. I am not exactly sure what happened to me that day, but I felt a freedom to just play and I wasn’t worried about it being perfect, nor did I compare myself with her painting. Lesta said, “Pat, you have talent.” With her support and encouragement, I left her house with a new desire to paint again.

When I returned home, I found some of my old paints that I had put away and a few canvases lying around. I started to paint and haven’t been able to stop. All I want to do is PAINT. I am amazed at what is coming out of me and onto the canvas. I put a few of my paintings on Facebook and have had lots of compliments. A friend of mine, Jack, who is a well-known artist on the Island saw my paintings and asked if they were for sale.

My friend, Sharon, and I met at the local coffee shop recently. Sharon noticed that the paintings hanging on the walls were from local artists and they were for sale. She said, “Pat, your paintings are amazing and I think you should have yours in a coffee shop.” I remember thinking, “I’ve only been painting a few months now and they are just not “good enough.”

As I continued to play and practice painting ocean scenes, I could see that they were getting better and better with each one I painted. Our home now looks like a gallery and poor Larry has to step around the paintings to open the cabinets. I have all 15 of them lined up so I can look at them and admire them.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to lunch to my favorite restaurant called, 808 Deli. I spotted the paintings by local artists on the walls and felt brave and said to the cashier, “Rachael, who is in charge of the paintings on the wall?” She said, “I am. Do you paint?” I said, “Yes, I do.” She said, “We have the month of October open. Would you want to bring your paintings in to display and sell?” I said, “YES.” I am sure my jaw dropped open with amazement and shock. It is hard to believe how easy it was because she hadn’t even seen my paintings.

As October approaches, I started to feel “uneasy” about displaying my paintings. I felt vulnerable putting myself “out there” because what if no one bought them? There are so many famous artists on the island that are really good and who was I to think mine were “good enough” to sell? I wanted to ask friends, “Do you think my paintings are “good enough?” I was ready to give my power away again by going outside of myself to get others’ opinions, rather than going within for my own.

Last night, I had a dream that I had given birth to a baby. Giving birth in dreams is very powerful and significant because it means a new idea, project, dream has just been birthed. The only problem was that I wasn’t prepared and ready for the baby’s needs when I brought it home. While in prayer, I asked myself some questions: What had just been birthed? Where & what wasn’t I prepared and ready for? What did I need to do to get prepared? Writing a new book with Larry has already been birthed so I didn’t think it was about the book. It seemed to be about the “uneasiness” I was feeling about displaying and selling my paintings. I was shown that the “hard part” of 9 months of pregnancy and the contractions were over. Now all I needed to do was to nurture and love the “baby” so it would grow to its fullest potential. My baby (painting) was in the womb for 35 years.

I NEVER criticized or thought my 4 babies weren’t “good enough” when they were born. They were perfect and I was delighted and happy that they were born. I just loved them and only saw their beauty.

While I was meditating and thinking about the dream, God showed me that I had “birthed” my paintings after being in the “womb” for over 35 years. Instead of criticizing and thinking they weren’t “good enough,” I was being invited to love, nurture and care for them. They didn’t have to be perfect and I didn’t have to compare them to other people’s paintings. All I needed to do was appreciate and love them. That afternoon, I held each one of the paintings in my hands, prayed over them with love and gave them a name. It doesn’t matter if they sell or not. What matters is that they have been birthed and I had the courage to birth them “& put them out there.” The rest is up to God.
With the grace of God, I BELIEVE

• It doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is what I think
• It’s my approval that I need and want
• I no longer need to compete or compare myself to others (which I did most of my life)
• My paintings don’t have to be perfect or the BEST for me to feel proud of them
• I will give my “baby” the nurturing and love that it needs to grow and develop
• There is no need to hurry the process
• I will love my “creations” just as they are
• I will enjoy and relish each stage of my painting journey
• I will be enthusiastic about showing off my “baby”

What are your dreams? What are you birthing in your life? What has been birthed? What has been in the “womb” that is ready to be born or does it still need time to grow and develop? Know that your soul will guide you in the right direction. We all have gifts to be shared with the world. It takes courage and a willingness to “come out” and let your light shine. Like me, it may take years and that’s ok. It took me 7 years to birth my book, “Simply a Woman of Faith.” We will never be asked to birth something until we are ready for it to be born.

Are you ready to say YES and trust that Spirit will be there to guide you every step of the way? If not now, when?

I woke up feeling agitated, irritable & like I was hit by a truck

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Sep
22

“Cleansing often brings the worst to the surface before it is dismissed. The first stage of a washing machine cycle is called “agitation.”  The clothing needs to be stirred up to loosen the accumulated dirt.  To look into a washing machine while the basket is agitating, you see a fowl mire of grime rise to the surface of the water.  If you did not know better, you might think that the clothes were getting dirtier and be tempted to shut off the machine.  But that would be foolish; the dirt is not being added, as it might appear – it is being removed.  In the presence of flowing water (metaphysically representing Spirit), the dirt is drained away, leaving fresh, clean garments.  If you just stay with the process, the cycle will complete itself, and soon the clothes will be much cleaner than when the process began.” Alan Cohen, “I Had It All the Time”

I woke up feeling agitated, irritable and like I had been hit by a truck. My dreams were about struggle and not being able to get to where I wanted to be. I KNEW something was being dredged up from my unconscious to be healed and transformed. I was in the washing machine cycle called “AGITATION” and it felt awful.

When I went to bed the night before, I shared with Larry that I felt BAD and ASHAMED when I got off the phone with John, my computer guy. I downloaded the new Windows 10 to my computer, but I couldn’t figure out how to get my pictures from my IPhone to my desktop. A friend suggested I go back to Windows 7 which I did and was successful with.

Unfortunately, I still couldn’t get my pictures to my desktop even with the old Windows 7. If anything causes me stress and I want to pull my hair out, it is dealing with computers and technology. I called John and asked for help. John has always been very patient with me and is able to help me. John must have had a bad day because he appeared frustrated and said, “You need to take a computer class because you should know this stuff by now.”

John’s remark and frustration triggered my SHAME. The SHAME was still deep inside in my unconscious and needed healing. It must be REVEALED to be HEALED. It really had nothing to do with John. If the shame wasn’t inside of me, I would have thought, “John is having a bad day and has nothing to do with me.” But I internalized it and felt “bad and wrong,” that I didn’t know what John thought I should know. Feeling “bad and wrong and not good enough” is at the core of a shame-based person.

When I shared with Larry what I was feeling when I woke up, he read the above passage from Alan Cohen’s book to me. It helped me understand what was going on and what was being “dredged up” from my unconscious. Larry encouraged me to trust the process and asked, “How can I support you today?” This was an opportunity for me to nurture myself, re-parent myself and give myself self-love and compassion, rather than beat up on myself. I spent the day in prayer, loving and nurturing myself and within a few hours, I was back to myself. I wrote in my journal, “Today I will allow the light and love of God to flow through me, heal me and transform me. I will re-parent myself and give myself everything I need.

Growing up with an alcoholic mother, I wasn’t encouraged to ask questions or ask for help. I had to figure things out on my own. I was EXPECTED to know the answers, even though I wasn’t often taught how to do things. I PRETENDED to know what I was doing, but often felt “inadequate and not good enough inside.” It was hard to ask for help because I didn’t want to feel vulnerable and ashamed if I didn’t know the answers.

Thank God I know the truth today and have changed that belief. Today, I ask for help when I need it and am not ashamed if I don’t know the answers. I know it is healthy to ask for help and that it is unhealthy to put unrealistic expectations on myself.

Larry’s experience with shame

When do you feel shame?  Underneath the shame could be thoughts of unworthiness, inadequacy, not good enough, not smart enough or thoughts of being a failure. As a parent, I have felt some of the above at different times. I have not always recognized this as shame until recently. People don’t talk about it because of its insidious nature.

There may be times in your life when you have felt ashamed because you didn’t think you were a “good enough” friend or supportive enough. You may feel some shame about how you look; too thin, too fat, too tall, not pretty enough, etc. I have felt shame about not having a higher education which made me feel “less than” others.

Many people believe their worth has to do with how much money they earn. Society often judges us by the amount of money we earn and when we have a lot of money, we are deemed successful. When we don’t measure up to those standards, we may judge ourselves to be a failure, which ultimately becomes shame.

In my own life, I have experienced shame when I put too much value on my ability to dance perfectly. I am leaving myself open to react in a negative way when my partner makes a mistake because I see it as a reflection on me. In this area of dance, I realize that I have been too concerned about what other people will think of me. It seems that my ego and wanting to be perfect has allowed me to forget that what other people think of me is none of my business. Thankfully, in many areas of my life, I believe that “what other people think of me is none of my business.”

My grandparents were farmers in Connecticut and had emigrated from Lithuania. They spoke broken English and when I was with them, I often felt ashamed of them because they couldn’t speak correct English. Then I felt ashamed of myself for feeling that way about them. Apparently, I saw it as a reflection on me.

Parents can often, unknowingly, put their high expectations on their children (get all A’s, pass this test, attend college). When children don’t think they measure up, they may not feel “good enough” because they think they are disappointing their parents.

Could it be that shame comes from a “hole in the soul” that only LOVE can fill and heal? When we learn to give ourselves self- love and acceptance, the feelings of shame and not being good enough will no longer have power over us.

Things You Can Do to Not Loose Your Relationship with yourself

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Sep
15

Larry asked me a question while driving home in the car the other night. It was, “How do you “preserve” your relationship with yourself, while in a partnership, so that when your partner is no longer there, you will have yourself.?”

I thought it was a great question and started to think about the ways I stay in “relationship with myself” while in a partnership. I have had lots of practice, over the years, of giving my power away and losing myself in relationships by putting my partner’s needs and wants ahead of mine.

Being single and without a partner for 15 years, I felt some anxiety when I thought about starting a new relationship, even though it was the desire of my heart. It took me so many years to “find myself” and the possibility of “losing myself” in a new relationship was not in the picture. I was determined to do it differently and not give my power away as I did for so many years.

When Larry and I became partners, of course, I wanted to spend every waking minute with him. This is natural because getting to know one another is very important. I still want to spend all the time I can with him, because we enjoy each other’s company and we have fun together. We don’t know how long we will have with one another so we try to live each day to the best of our ability. Living alone for all that time and loving it, I also didn’t know how I would feel sharing my living space with another person
.
I am happy to say that it has been 1 ½ years that we have been partners and I still have “myself,” perhaps even more than I did before the relationship. I can truly BE myself with Larry and be as playful and silly as I want to be or as deep and spiritual as I want to be or as “fresh” as I want to be. We have a relationship that is built on trust, love and commitment. We honor and respect each other’s needs and wants. I love sharing our home together and we have learned to laugh at the little “quirks” we both have.
While in meditation, I went inside and asked myself, “What did I do to stay in relationship with myself?” Here are some of the things that I have done:

I maintained my daily spiritual discipline of prayer, meditation, journaling & daily readings.
When I felt the need to be by myself, I took a “Pat Day” and gave myself the TIME I needed to be with myself.
I continued to love, affirm, accept and appreciate myself, especially if I “blew it.”
I didn’t expect my partner to meet all of my needs all of the time. I gave myself what I needed and did what I could do for myself. For example: If I wanted flowers from the garden or from the store, I bought them for myself, rather than expecting my partner to do it all the time.
I knew what I wanted and was able to ask for what I wanted.
I was able to accept & respect a NO from my partner.
I regularly checked in with myself to see how I was feeling and then, if appropriate shared with my partner what was going on, especially if it had to do with our relationship.
I maintained my friendships with my girlfriends.
I continued with my hobbies and what I enjoyed doing.
I understood that my happiness is my responsibility and I didn’t expect my partner to make me happy. I knew it was my responsibility to take care of my needs: body, mind and spirit.

When I agreed to contribute to Pat’s blog I was completely out of my comfort zone and this is a very long stretch for me.  I would like to thank those of you who have written and given me so much positive feedback and support.  I really appreciate it. I have to be careful with what questions I ask Pat, because before I know it , I’ll have to write about them.  The question just popped into my mind while we were driving, “How do we “preserve” our relationship with ourselves when we are in a love relationship with another person?”

I think in some of my love relationships over the years, I’ve ignored my relationship with myself and gave everything to the relationship I was in.  Then when the relationship ended, I didn’t have anything to support me because I didn’t have myself. A healthy relationship encourages the partner to have a life apart from one another. For example: spending time with friends, having hobbies and interests of their own.

When we have developed a relationship with ourselves, we will want to spend some time alone.  I think that’s important for each person to understand. It isn’t that we don’t love the other person or don’t want to be with them.  I like my own company. I try to walk three miles every day and I value that time alone.  When I’m driving, I don’t use the radio because I value that time alone with myself.  I believe that if the relationship is secure and there is trust, each would encourage and support the other in the personal relationship they have with themselves.

I believe that one of the most important ways to maintain your relationship with yourself is to continue to love yourself. I’m learning how to accept and value myself.  I think one of the most important things I’ve done was to start “believing” the wonderful things Pat is constantly telling me about myself. For example: “You can do anything you put your mind to. You are lovable, kind, patient, fun to be with and a magnificent person and vessel of love.” I always found it extremely difficult to accept compliments and accolades from others. Not only am I learning to accept them from Pat, but I’m beginning to believe them about myself.

Another way I’m valuing myself is by allowing myself to just “BE” and RELAX. I’m not listening to my “busy mind” telling me I have to do this or that all the time. I work especially hard to keep my stress level at 0. I allow myself to go with the flow, keeping a schedule that is very flexible. Before, if I made plans to do something, “come hell or high water” I would do what I had planned or promised because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or hurt their feelings if I had to change plans. Today, I am able to say NO and change plans if I need to because I know that is valuing and loving myself.

I value and claim my “happiness” because I am worthy and deserve it. I am grateful and appreciate all of the wonderful gifts I have created on this beautiful Island Maui. I am taking credit for making good decisions.

I encourage you to be good to yourself, forgive yourself, don’t criticize or blame yourself, do things “YOU” like to do, be flexible, kind and patient with yourself and, accept gifts and compliments from others. Who knows, you may become your own best friend. LOVE IN YOUR HEART WASN’T PUT THERE TO STAY.  LOVE IS NOT LOVE TILL YOU GIVE IT AWAY.

How I DELETE when fear rears it’s head

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Sep
9

“The more serendipity we have in our life, the more spiritually connected we are. We’re tuned in, attentive, aware, and detached. We’re getting responses to questions and meeting the people we need to be with at just the right moments. We couldn’t have planned it better. We couldn’t have planned it at all. Serendipity is a sign that we’re letting the universe organize the events that lead to answered questions and fulfilled dreams. Life becomes a process of unraveling a mystery.” Robert Fulghum

 
When I heard the news that the New Thought inspirational leader, Dr. Wayne Dyer had passed over, I was shocked and saddened. He had such a powerful presence in this world and was still so active in the community. Over the years, I have read many of his books, watched PBS specials and attended a conference in Florida with him. His book, “Change Your Thinking – Change Your Life” was life changing for me and millions of others. Dr. Dyer had completed his work on this planet to go onto his “NEXT ADVENTURE.”

 
I learned of his passing on Sunday night, right before I went to bed. I didn’t sleep well thinking about him and what his family must be going through. It is my understanding that he died on Saturday night from a heart attack. On Saturday morning, I found Wayne Dyer’s brand new “Inner Peace” cards at a yard sale. “Wasn’t that serendipitous?” I thought.

 
On Sunday morning, as I was preparing to leave the house, I looked out over the ocean and witnessed the most amazing rainbow extending over the whole sky. I had never seen one quite that beautiful with the vibrant orange and purple colors and it lasted for quite a long time. Of course, I had no idea that Wayne Dyer had passed over during the night. Could this be a sign from God that he was on to his “NEXT ADVENTURE” and God was welcoming him back home? I like to think it was!
As I said, I had a difficult time sleeping on Sunday night when I heard of his passing. In the morning, while trying to meditate and understand the meaning of his death, I sensed in my spirit, God saying, “This is a wake-up call for the world.”

 
For me, the wake-up call means that I am not promised tomorrow or the next moment. All I have is today and this precious moment God has given me to live in love or fear. It is my CHOICE. We all have the choice to trust God and live in faith, knowing we have everything we need in this MOMENT. The future is not here and may not ever be here. So why do we worry about what is not here yet? Is it a habit or an addiction? Worrying is an illusion and never helps anyone. What will it take for us to let go, surrender and trust God that all is well and we are being taken care of?

 
Like all of you, I am not immune to fear. When I allow myself to stay in fear because of negative thinking, I am robbed of the present moment. If I think about what could happen in the future, (especially not having enough money to live on Maui or Larry becoming ill and dying), I lose my peace and my mind is like a blender. When I become aware of what I call “future tripping” I immediately say to myself DELETE, DELETE.  Some days I am doing a lot of deleting! I also REMEMBER all the times that God has provided for me in the past.

 
I recently heard Dr. Dyer on a radio show speaking about how he was ready for his “NEXT ADVENTURE.” I wondered to myself, if he knew he was going to die the next day, would he have done anything differently? I believed he lived his life with love and on purpose. What would you do differently if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? All that would matter to me if I knew I was going to die tomorrow is that I was with my loved ones and they knew how much I loved them. Because Love is all there is.

 
Serendipitously, Larry and I were scheduled to attend a workshop called “Sacred Living, Sacred Dying” with Sharon Lund on Monday morning. I was still feeling sad about Dr. Dyer’s death and thought it was timely that we were taking the workshop that day. I wondered what talking about “Sacred Dying” would bring up for me. It was a great interactive workshop and I learned a lot of valuable information that I will implement in my life. I really appreciated exploring what we wanted and didn’t want for our final “celebration of life” as well as leaving a legacy of love for our loved ones.

 
When I left the workshop, I felt excited about working on my final “celebration of life.” I wasn’t excited about dying, but not afraid to die either. I felt excited about celebrating how I am living my life today and the life I have created. I can truly say that I am living my life to the fullest and would not have any regrets if I were to die tomorrow. I am grateful that I am living my mission to love and to inspire others to find the God within. I am ready for the NEXT ADVENTURE, whatever that may be.      Larry shares his experiences about how he chooses love instead of fear.

 
We’ve all had experiences in our lives that help us to remember how fragile life is and that remind us to live in the moment because that’s what’s real and we never know when it will be our last moment.

When I heard about Dr. Wayne Dyer’s passing, like Pat, I felt shocked and saddened by his sudden death. There’s a part of me that wonders why a person so talented and so in touch with spirit would be taken from us, it seems we need more philosophers and inspirational teachers to help us with our journey, not less. Then there is a part of me that reasons that we don’t know God’s plan and all we are promised is this moment. Dr. Wayne Dyer has crossed over and is on to another adventure, his spirit will continue to live on through his books and writings. He will continue to touch many souls as he has touched mine.

When I heard about Dr. Dyer’s death, it brought home to me that I am a year older than he was. We never know when our train will reach its final destination, do we? Before my train comes into the station I want to live, laugh, and love in the NOW because that’s all we really have.

Although I don’t think I fear death, fear is something we all have to deal with. We react many ways to fear: we sometimes run and hide, we may become angry and strike out physically or psychologically. Fear sometimes causes us to shut down emotionally. As I look back on raising my two boys, I think some of my decisions were based in fear. For example: If I didn’t discipline them, I was fearful that they would get into trouble and get into drugs or crime. If they didn’t receive a good education, I was fearful they wouldn’t be able to make it on their own. I was fearful that if I didn’t teach them to take responsibility for their actions they would grow up blaming someone or something for their failures or unhappiness. These are good qualities to instill in our children, but better done from love rather than fear. Now when I recognize fear, I handle it differently.

As I walk my journey, I have discovered that the single most powerful energy known to humankind is “LOVE.” I believe there is nothing stronger than the power of “LOVE.” Fear disguises itself so well, sometimes I have a difficult time identifying it in my life. I have developed a habit of consciously choosing LOVE and deleting fear when I realize that fear is raising its ugly head, I simply say “I delete fear and I choose LOVE.” I continue to say that until I feel the fear disappear and the peace and love enter my being. It works incredibly well for me.

I’m not that comfortable with dentist’s and doctor’s appointments so when I have an appointment I will take a few moments and just declare that I’m not going to let fear into my life. I consciously choose LOVE. Any time you feel fearful, stressed, judged, unappreciated, unworthy, I encourage you to open your heart to the energy and light of LOVE. I think you will be glad you did.

Someone asked me, “If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do differently today?” I think I am probably the happiest man in the world. I wake up every day with a heart filled with gratitude and thanksgiving. I have everything I want. I live in the most beautiful place on earth (to me anyway) and there is no other place I would rather be than with a wonderful, beautiful woman whom I love and who loves me. There is nothing I would do differently. I would spend the day with my sweetheart enjoying each other and our environment and try to be the best vessel of love I could be.

I didn’t know how I felt when Pat told me she had romantic feelings

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Sep
2

When I meet people and they ask me, “What brought you to Maui?” I put my hand on my heart and answer, “My heart.” If they are interested and want to know more, I say, “I know I am going to meet my soulmate.”
I asked myself some questions, “How did my heart know? What does my heart know that my head didn’t know? Why is it hard sometimes to follow my heart? Is the truth in my heart? How will I know if I am following my heart? How do I move from my head to my heart?”
In regards to moving to Maui, my head said, “No way can you move to Maui, you can’t leave your family, you don’t have enough money, what if it doesn’t work, what if something happens to you and your family is so far away, what will you do for work and on and on.” I also had to let go of what my family’s “truth” was for me and follow my “own truth.” I asked myself, “Were these thoughts positive and life-giving or would they keep me stuck?”
We need to use our head and our hearts to make decisions in our life. They both give us important information that we must pay attention to. Many of us don’t follow our hearts because of fear and we stay stuck in our heads. When this happens, we are paralyzed and cannot move forward. It is important to learn how to move from our head to our heart for the desires of our heart to be manifested. I would have missed out on the most thrilling adventure of my life of moving to Maui and meeting my soulmate if I stayed stuck in my head.
Moving from my head to my heart may be the longest journey I take. It does not mean I give up my reason. It simply means that I connect with the very depth of my being. It is not an abandonment of logic, but it is getting in touch with what already exists within me. Our head is where we formulate our decisions and choices. Our heart is where there is love, peace, harmony, joy and happiness. In our heart lies our true consciousness. It is the seat of our soul.
At some point, through the GRACE of God, I made the CHOICE to trust my heart (LOVE.) It is my belief that God places the desires of our heart in our hearts. I had to cooperate with the Universe, if you will, and be open to following my heart and that meant leaving everything that was comfortable and safe. I had to TRUST and step into the adventure of the unknown.
I am sure we have all had the experience at one time or another when we just “knew” something was right and we followed our heart. I know I am following my heart when I feel peaceful and surrendered. Once I have surrendered, it is like I am being carried on the “wings of grace” and I just move forward, almost effortlessly. That doesn’t mean that fear doesn’t try to rob me, because it does. But I choose love instead of fear and do what I am called to do.
Another example of moving from my head to my heart was when I told Larry, “I have romantic feelings for you.” My head said, “What will he think of me when I tell him? He just got out of a relationship, he needs time to heal. What will people think? This could wreck our friendship. What if he doesn’t have any feelings for me?” For sure, I felt afraid and didn’t want to tell him. I struggled until I heard the small, still voice of God say, “You have to tell him.” I knew it was God and after some time I said, “O.K God, I will tell him.”
I made the CHOICE to move from my head to my heart. Love is where my heart is and I knew I could TRUST Love. The rest is history and I am so grateful I listened to the voice of God and my heart. When you follow your heart, your dream, your vision and you say YES, the Universe takes over and makes a path for you. There is always more life to live when you have the courage to step out and receive all that God has planned for you. Here is how Larry moved from his head to his heart.
Human relationships are very interesting and in my experience have always given me an opportunity to grow and become more conscious. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to put your “heart out there” unprotected and take a chance to be in a new love relationship again. For as long as I can remember, I had the feeling that “I COULD HAVE IT ALL.”

In many of my relationships over the years, I felt as though I had an emptiness or hole that I could not identify or explain. I understand today that I was looking “outside of myself” to find the solution or reason for my emptiness. When I went inside, I found out what the truth was; I needed to love myself to fill the emptiness. If we don’t love ourselves and allow (GOD) to show us how really important we are and how much love wants to lavish itself upon us, we will never be able to have a healthy love relationship with someone else.

Pat and I have a really special relationship; we had been best friends for two years and had formed a bond of trust and appreciation for each other that few people have. During those two years, Pat saw that I had a difficult time accepting compliments or gifts from others. She encouraged me to look at that and begin to love myself. I believe that we are called to be vessels of love and it’s very important for me to follow that calling. I began to understand that to be a vessel of love I had to first accept love. I believe love is a gift, waiting to be accepted. We have a choice to say “Yes, thank you” or “No, thank you.” I think accepting the gift of love is at first a head thing because we have to release thoughts that tell us we are not deserving, not good enough or unworthy. When we say “Yes, thank you” it becomes a heart thing. When we say YES to love, we become vulnerable and sometimes that involves risk. I am much better at accepting and loving myself than I ever have before.

After two years of having Pat as my best friend, I was surprised (and wasn’t sure how I felt about it) when she shared she was having romantic feelings towards me because I had not allowed myself to go there. She was a great friend and I was thankful to have someone like her in my life that way.

When Pat told me she was feeling romantic toward me a lot of my “head” stuff popped up. Things like
“Will it last, will I get hurt, can I trust love?” Fear wasn’t far behind. I asked myself “Do I want to risk a wonderful friendship and allow myself to see this relationship in a different way?” I remember saying to Pat once, “We are lucky we’re not in a romantic relationship because it would probably destroy this great friendship we have.” I had also just ended a relationship that I thought was the best I ever had, but ended up with me being blindsided and hurt. I asked myself, “Do I want to risk that again? How could I trust again? Isn’t it too soon to start another relationship?”

My response to Pat was “Let’s see what happens.” It didn’t take too long because we already had such a great relationship and I really trusted her. I was gradually able to face my fears, get out of my head and let my heart receive the love that was being offered. I let my heart lead, trusted and let go of fear and all of the negative thoughts and doubts that would have sabotaged our relationship. I was able to forgive and move on with my life.

I’m thankful to Love (God) for helping me to forgive, heal and move on so I could accept this wonderful gift that Pat is in my life. I always knew “I COULD HAVE IT ALL” and I do.