Have you ever experienced a “shift” in yourself and you have no idea how or why it happened? You may have struggled your whole life with something and then it seems like suddenly, the struggle is gone and you are FREE.
I know it must be God’s grace when that happens. What else could it be?
I have struggled all my life with my weight and being obsessed with getting on the scale, even though I was never really overweight. As I look back over the years, it seems like I tried every kind of fad diet around. I always wanted to be thinner than I was. When I lost weight, I felt good about myself and when I gained weight, I didn’t feel good about myself. I constantly compared myself to others and how thin they were.
When I was about 12 years old, every week I accompanied my mother to the doctor and was prescribed diet pills. As sick as this sounds, it almost felt like a bonding experience. The sad part was that I was not overweight and have no idea why my mother thought I needed diet pills. That went on for several years and I remember driving to the doctor to get my own diet pills when I was 17 years old. It is truly a miracle and I am grateful that I never became addicted to the pills and stopped using them on my own.
So here it is 60 years later and I was still struggling with body image and getting on the scale. Even though I understood intellectually that it came from being prescribed diet pills at a young age, I couldn’t seem to move beyond it. It was like I needed to be a certain weight to feel loved and valued.
It didn’t matter that I now had a husband who loved my body just as it was. I prayed and meditated and affirmed that I loved my body just as it was. Despite this, every few days I found myself needing to get on the scale and it was always the same feelings. If I gained 2 or 3 pounds, I didn’t feel good about myself and if I lost 2-3 pounds, I felt good about myself. It felt like a vicious cycle that I just couldn’t break no matter what I did.
I didn’t want to be attached or obsessed with being the perfect weight, but didn’t know what to do about it other than pray and ask for help. I came to a place of acceptance (even though I didn’t like it) that this was something I would struggle with for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what happened or how it happened (other than God’s grace), but I no longer have the need to get on the scale and see how much I weigh. I now know that the number on the scale is just a number and has nothing to do with my self-worth or how lovable I am.
I can’t tell you how FREE I feel after all of these years of struggling and not feeling thin enough or good enough. The only way I can describe my new attitude is that “IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.” When you have struggled with something for almost all your life and made it so important and now it doesn’t matter, it is a tremendous relief.
I can see this attitude of “IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE” seeping into other areas of my life. I am not taking things personally and am able to let things roll off my shoulders more easily. I am able to recognize my ego thoughts more quickly and see the truth. I love my new attitude! There is so much that doesn’t matter that I have made matter during my lifetime. I have given my power away and lost my peace by wanting to please everyone and wanting to be perfect.
As I reflected on this, I would like to share what DOES MATTER TO ME. My relationship with Spirit is number 1 and to know that I am in alignment with God’s will and am a vessel of love in all of my relationships every day is what matters. I want to remember that I am Love and that Love is all there is. I want to remember that I am ONE with God and there is no separation. I want to remember that I am always guided and protected when I trust and surrender.
Love wants us to be free, to love ourselves just as we are (with all our imperfections). I am grateful that I didn’t give up and kept trusting in the power of Love to heal me and free me. Is there an area in your life that you need God’s grace to heal and free you?
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