I don’t want to be a hovering wife

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Have you ever had the experience of “hovering” over a loved one or being “hovered over?” It could be an adult child, close friend, spouse or parent. You find yourself too invested or involved in whatever they are doing or NOT doing. You think you are helping them and give them advice and tell them what to do both subtly and not so subtly. You may worry or obsess about them. For me, “hovering” is about fear. I am afraid my loved one will suffer because of their behaviors and get hurt. When I focus and “hover” over a loved one, I lose my peace of mind. Whenever I try to control or fix another person because I think I know what’s right for them, I lose my peace.

You may have heard the term “Helicopter mom.” What about “Helicopter wife or husband?” I was married to Larry a short time when I found myself “hovering” over him. I was in trouble, because I knew better. Old behaviors die hard. Luckily, I recognized it quickly and we discussed it and how it felt for both of us. I do not want to be, nor will I be a “helicopter wife!”

For example: While we were driving in the car to the airport in Rhode Island with lots of cars going in and out of lanes, I was advising Larry how to drive. I burst out laughing when he turned to me and said, “Would you please land your helicopter?” It was absolutely perfect and I got the message loud and clear. Since then, we have used the “helicopter concept” whenever we feel the other is “hovering.” It is such a gentle way to communicate in a loving manner. We will continue to remind each other when either one of us need to land our helicopter.

When I make a suggestion to Larry and he doesn’t agree with it, instead of getting into an argument, I have learned to let it go and let him sit with it. I don’t try to control or push my ideas. Often, after he thinks about it, he changes his mind.  If he doesn’t change his mind, it wasn’t meant to be, and I accept it.

It’s been several years and we haven’t needed to remind each other to land our helicopters until this week! Larry asked me to “land my helicopter” after I gave him my opinion about calling his doctor. He has been struggling with sinus problems for the past few weeks and it has been pretty intense. He tried over the counter allergy medicine, but it made it worse. He cannot breathe at night and has to sit in his chair to sleep. He may sleep for an hour and then wake up and have difficulty breathing again. Consequently, he is exhausted and takes cat naps during the day.

It was really scary for me watching him suffer and not being able to do anything about it. I didn’t know if he would be alive in the morning or not. I felt upset about his unwillingness to call his doctor and get medical treatment. I thought he was being “stubborn” and no matter what I said, he wouldn’t listen.

Larry is an adult and knows what he needs to do for his body. If he doesn’t want to take a medication or see the doctor, that is up to him. I trust that he will figure it out and do what’s best for him.  I don’t want to hover over his every move and tell him what to do. This is not respecting him by trying to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If I have given my opinion once, then I need to let it go and let God. I have learned to pray and send love. I asked Spirit to speak to Larry’s heart.  Although it takes a great deal of patience not to say anything, this always works.

Here is the message I received from Spirit:

You must trust that I am in charge. Larry is trying to do this on his own and will realize when he needs to ask for help. Trust me and let go of fear. I am in charge. Choose Love.

I knew he had a very difficult night and wanted to ask him in the morning, “What are you going to do about it?” Instead, I said nothing and trusted God. Larry looked at me and said, “I’m going to call the doctor today.” I said, “Thank you Jesus for answering my prayer.”

Larry called the doctor that day and was prescribed a medication and is feeling better.

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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

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