I felt defensive with Larry

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Happy Thanksgiving! I am grateful for all of you who read my blog every week and respond. My hope is that it inspires you to live your best life and let go of what no longer serves you.

We all want peace and are searching for peace that passes all understanding. Peace comes from within and our willingness to spend time with Spirit every day to listen and do God’s will. For the past several years, my morning prayer and intention has been to be peaceful, to love, to serve, to be happy, to be healthy, and to be a vessel of love.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting older or wiser, but for the past several months, Spirit is inviting me to spend more “quiet” time alone to go within and deepen my relationship with God through prayer, meditation, and journaling. Rather than pushing, rushing, and staying busy as I did for many years, today I CRAVE the quiet time.

For many years, I looked outside of myself for peace and love, giving my power away and losing my peace. I am learning to love and approve of myself rather than looking to others for approval, love, affirmation, and self-worth. How do you lose your peace and give your power away?

As I spend time alone in prayer and meditation, my “stuff” comes to the surface to be healed and transformed. No matter how long we have been on the spiritual journey, we all have unconscious “blind spots” (shadow) that need healing from living in a world that is asleep and unconscious.

Rather than beat up on myself when my “stuff” comes up, I welcome it and thank Spirit for revealing what has been hidden.

For example, my best girlfriend told me many years ago, “Pat, you are very defensive.” I was shocked because I didn’t realize that about myself. I got angry and said, “I’m not defensive.” I thought I had to defend myself from her “perceived” attack.

Thankfully, over the years I have grown and am able to listen to others and hear what they are saying, rather than defend myself. I still may be tempted to defend and explain myself if and when I feel misunderstood or judged.

Mostly, I have learned not to “react” to others and take things personally. I give myself time to process what happened and ask Spirit for guidance as to what to do next if anything.

I was surprised when Spirit brought to my attention that I am defensive with Larry sometimes, especially if I think he is correcting me or telling me what to do. It just doesn’t sit well with me and I say something to defend myself.

We have a joke when something happens around the house and neither one of us wants to take responsibility for it.  Rather than blaming the other, we laugh and say “It must have been the other person living here.”

Before we can change a habit, a behavior, or old thought patterns that don’t serve us, we have to be AWARE they are there. I didn’t realize that I was being defensive and reacting when Larry said something I didn’t agree with or like.   

I asked myself, “Why do I think I need to defend myself when I have it all? I feel loved, seen, valued, heard, and respected by Larry. “Do I not feel safe and what am I afraid of?”

Defensiveness stems from fear. The truth is that in my defenselessness, my safety lies. Thinking that I need to defend myself to others is “old energy” that originated from the illusion that I am separate from Source and my brothers and sisters.

Through my healing work and sacred tools, I was able to clear the defensive behavior that I uncovered. I’m grateful for the inner “shift” and that I no longer need to defend myself. I can speak up if I need to in a loving and peaceful manner, rather than with defensiveness and sarcasm.   

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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

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