I hated the part of me that felt jealous
By the time you receive this, I will be landing in Boston for our yearly family reunion at my daughter, Mary’s farm. I feel excited to see my family and friends and be reunited once again. I look forward to the “Woman of Faith” dinner & presentation and visiting with old friends & meeting new ones. My friend, Betty, from college that I haven’t seen in almost 50 years is attending. What a blessing and honor it is for me to be invited to share my story of manifesting my dream.
It is my belief that everything I attract into my life is for my highest good and an opportunity (not a problem) to live my best life and to be the best me I can be. It may not feel like an opportunity at first and I may not like it and I may even complain, but my faith experiences has shown me otherwise. Often when I “perceive” it to be a difficult situation, it is an opportunity for me to trust God more or to let go of my control (which is an illusion) or to reveal to me an area of my life that is still unhealed or wounded and needs to be released and transformed. I had the opportunity this week to love myself when Spirit revealed to me where I had some old patterns and beliefs to let go of.
I had just sent finished writing my blog “Feelings are a gift from God” and knew I needed to practice what I preach. I wrote in my journal, “What’s brewing God? I feel a “shift” and dip in my energy.” As I thought about it, I realized I started to feel the shift after I read something about a woman I know on Facebook who had received 1,000 likes from her post. Clearly, I felt jealous because I was comparing myself to her and feeling “less than” because I never had 1,000 likes. I knew my ego was at work and pride was rearing its head. Although I remembered feelings are not right or wrong, feeling jealous just didn’t feel “right.”
I knew it was important to not judge my feelings and beat up on myself like I had done for so many years. Instead it was a call from Spirit to be gentle, compassionate and give love to myself. I needed to love the unhealed, wounded part of me that was surfacing even more than I had been. I realized that the “old” patterns of comparing, competition and not being good enough will “pop up” from time to time, but it’s happening less frequently and that’s the good news.
It takes vigilance and awareness to identify the “old” feelings, behaviors and patterns. It takes practice to see the truth of who I am as divine being of Love. I know I have the power to overcome feelings of separation and lack because love fills my heart and soul. We have to be awake and aware and WILLING to allow whatever needs to come up to be healed and transformed.
There was a time in my life that I “hated” that part of me that felt jealous and compared myself to others. I then learned to welcome in all feelings, including jealousy. Today, I am choosing to love that part of me and not judge her. I asked myself, “How can I love myself in this moment?” I could take a nap, take a hot bath, call a friend or paint. I decided to paint and it felt so good. It was exactly what my soul needed.
I then asked myself, “What is the gift or lesson that I need to learn from this”? As I was meditating, this phrase came into my consciousness. It was, “Bloom where you are planted.” I hadn’t heard this in probably 40 years when my ex-husband and I made a Marriage Encounter. I am planted in Maui. My kids are planted far away in other states. I’m not going to bloom where I am not meant to be and God doesn’t want me to be and neither are they. How easy it is to judge someone when we don’t understand their path or journey because we wouldn’t do it that way. That was the first lesson that I learned. We all have to follow our heart and not judge where another is planted.
For flowers to grow beautifully and to their potential they need to be pruned and the dead flowers need to be cut off so the new buds can come forth. Like the flowers, I am being pruned so new growth can happen. I am being pruned of feelings of separation & lack which includes not having or doing enough, behaviors and patterns of competition and comparing. This is a life-long process, not an overnight one.
I asked myself, “How do I know if where I’m planted is God’s will for my life and where I’m supposed to be? All I could think about was that I will be “blooming” if I am where I am meant to be. I know I am “blooming” here in Maui because I feel more love than I have ever felt and I’m loving more than I have ever loved. I know that I am ONE with the God within. I feel peaceful, contented, grateful, creative and happy. I see flowers all around me and I see myself as a “flower” blooming. That doesn’t mean that everything is always perfect because it is not.
After 30 years of marriage, I knew I wasn’t “Blooming where I was planted” because I wasn’t happy and felt unfulfilled. We had grown apart over the years and we weren’t aligned spiritually which was very important to me. I knew deep in my heart that I wasn’t living my life to the fullest and I needed God’s grace and courage to make a change and move forward in my life. It was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.
I encourage you to look inside and ask yourself, “Am I planted where God wants me to be and am I blooming there?” If you are not “flowering” where you are planted and feel discontent, unhappy or depressed, it may be time to take responsibility for your life and ask God guidance and direction. Whether it be a job or a relationship or a marriage, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. If not now, when?
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