As I sat with my friend, Barbara, leisurely sipping my Earl Grey Lavender tea in the coffee shop, I turned to her and said, “It feels so good to not have to PUSH.” It felt like we had all the time in the world and we were enjoying every minute of it. I felt relaxed, in the moment, present, trusting and peaceful. I smiled and said to her, “I am a RECOVERING PUSHER.” Not a pusher of drugs, thank God. This is not the only area I am recovering from as I am a recovering Catholic, rushaholic, controlaholic, perfectionist and people pleaser. Can you relate?
Many years ago, one of my friends commented, “You push yourself a lot.” It was so natural to push and I couldn’t stop myself, nor did I want to. It almost felt like a badge of honor and I felt proud of how I pushed. I realize today that I had to push myself to DO better, BE better, Be the BEST, perform and achieve.
Just thinking about this behavior now makes me feel exhausted. I didn’t know any better and I was afraid not to push. I wondered what would happen if I didn’t? Would everything fall apart and I wouldn’t get what I wanted and deserved? There was a hole inside of me that I was trying to fill from the outside.
Spirit is revealing to me that at the core of my pushing for so many years and all my addictions was FEAR-fear that I wasn’t good enough! No matter what I did, it was never good enough. This was a learned behavior to escape the pain, low self-esteem, no self-love and shame inside of me.
The opposite of pushing is relaxation. It’s no surprise that I have several signs around my home with RELAX on them. I need the reminder to relax, be present, enjoy and have fun. Since I have been a “pusher” for so many years, I will probably be tempted or inclined to push myself from time to time in an unhealthy way.
The good news is that it doesn’t feel good to push anymore because it creates stress in my life. When I become aware that I am pushing or rushing, I bring myself back to the present moment and breathe. It always works.
I was out of balance and lived much of my life from the masculine within which is about doing, pushing, goal oriented, comparing, perfection, and achieving. The divine feminine within is about receiving. nurturing, surrendering, going with the flow and trusting.
I’ve experienced so much growth and transformation in myself since I completed the Divine Feminine Mystery School in July. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be balanced within and to acknowledge my gifts that I bring to the world. It has taken me so many years to believe in myself and heal and release the trauma that I carried deep within my body. I am so grateful for the journey I have taken and my willingness to dive deep and not let fear rob me, as it did for so many years.
I have been given the opportunity to dive deep into the Divine Feminine and my power as a woman. I have embraced my feminine essence and will continue to embark on the path of self-healing, sexual awakening and transformation.
I am here to embody and serve the Divine Feminine in the world and to continue to balance the relationship between the male and female within myself. We need both our masculine and feminine to bring to the world.
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