I thought I had “relapsed”

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I have read that the higher our vibration is or how conscious we become, the more our ego will “act out” if you will. Our ego wants to rob us of our peace and keep us believing that we are separate from God and one another. It wants us to believe that we are guilty and not deserving of love.

I must be growing in consciousness because my ego is having a field day with me lately. Is anyone else experiencing that? I almost hate to admit it and share my experiences because it feels almost like a relapse to old egoistic behaviors. I share it with you for several reasons: (1) it is my belief that when we expose the ego, it loses its power. (2) you know that you are not alone. (3) to show you what I do and how I align myself with the truth of who I am as a child of God.

I became aware of these behaviors when I noticed that I was “comparing” myself with others and looking outside to others for validation. The comparing may only last for a “flash” and I am able to recognize it as ego. I did comparing and competition for a long time and know it has never worked. It is my own love, appreciation and respect that I need the most.

It comes from a place of “not enoughness” which is a core issue for most of us and it rears its head when least expected. When I don’t believe that “I am enough” it may show up in thoughts like I don’t have enough money, love, time, clothes, friends, or a big enough home, etc. It is so insidious and I know it is not the truth. It can also show up as jealousy, fear, anger, disappointment and judging.

Eckhart Tolle states “The mind exists in a state of “not enough” and so is always greedy for more. There is also the ego’s need to be periodically in conflict with something or someone in order to strengthen its sense of separation between “me” and the “ other” without which it cannot survive.

The truth is I have everything I need and I am more than enough. I am perfect and whole and loved unconditionally. I am connected to the Divine, to the Source of the Universe and there is always abundance flowing when I open my heart to receive. I asked the Holy Spirit what its message was in regards to these old behaviors showing up.

Trust the process Pat and know that I am allowing this to come up to be healed and transformed. You are going deeper and higher with me. Your ego and thoughts of separation is what is bringing this to the surface and this is good. Do not beat up on yourself, but more than ever, love yourself.”

I was led to write out a list of qualities that I love about myself: I love

* my willingness to go within for my answers;

* my desire for the truth of who I am;

* my honesty with myself and others;

* how I trust the process with you God;

* how I am willing to feel and express my feelings;

* my faith in you God;

* how I want to follow you and do your will;

* how I reach out to others to love, support, and pray for them;

* my kindness and thoughtfulness to my family and friends

When I brought this to God and asked for help and clarity about what was going on, peace returned to my heart. So, instead of thinking I relapsed into old behaviors and beat up on myself, I was able to re-frame it and understand that I was indeed going deeper and higher with God and that healing and transformation was going on within.

I am grateful that the light of God was shining in my heart and that I can go directly to the Holy Spirit for my answers, especially to expose the ego thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.


How do we build trust in a relationship? I think “TRUST” is one of the most important qualities when it comes to a committed love relationship. Just like most of us, I have been disappointed and hurt in the past by people I loved and trusted.  This has happened to me more times than I would have liked.

Consequently, I have some “trust issues.” It’s not too difficult for me to trust people on small things like believing you when you tell me you are going to meet me at a certain time or you share something about what happened that day or what you are feeling. It’s easy to believe that you are sharing your perspective and I trust it is your truth.

I asked myself, “How do I open up again to trust another person when I’ve been hurt and relationships have ended?  I can trust again because I value a “love relationship” more than my fear of getting hurt again and I am willing to take full responsibility for the risk my choice represents. After I have taken the time to heal and forgive, I am open to try again in another relationship trusting that this one will be fruitful for both of us and to the extent that it is, we will stay together. 

How do we know a person is trustworthy?  Before we ask that question we could ask ourselves if we think we are trustworthy?  I think I am trustworthy because I endeavor to be honest with myself and my partner. I do a lot of personal work and feel I am growing and becoming more conscious daily.  I take full responsibility for my actions.  I am becoming more aware when ego is attempting to influence my life negatively and take steps to prevent that from happening.  I consider myself trustworthy and worthy of trust. I look for these qualities in a relationship whether it be in a friendship or a love relationship.

How have I built trust in my relationship with Pat?  I think honesty and respect are two qualities that have helped me to do that. I support and encourage her to be her own person and to do what’s important to her, even though it may not seem important to me. Likewise, she supports and encourages me to be my own person.

Just trusting there is someone watching your back that loves you, is huge, especially when we’re going through a difficult time. I am confident that Pat will have my back. I’ve learned to trust that she will be honest with me even if she disagrees with my prospective or direction. Because of our past experiences, I know she will not agree with me just because it will make me feel good and that kind of behavior builds trust.  Because of her experiences in our relationship, she trusts that I will be there for her, no matter what.

Even though relationships don’t always become what we would have hoped they would and we get hurt, I think I’m learning that being able to TRUST someone in our lives is a wonderful asset.  We realize that we don’t have to face the difficult times alone, and there is someone whom we can confide in and that relieves our stress and angst.  We feel loved, supported and protected.  I think it’s worth the risk.  Who is that special person in your life?

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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

Simply A Woman of Faith
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