When Larry and I became a couple, he made it clear that he didn’t want to get married again. He had been married twice for almost 40 years and that was enough. We loved one another and were committed to each other. He bought me a ring and we had a commitment ceremony on our lanai overlooking the ocean.
I waited, trusted, surrendered, loved, detached, and prayed as the desire of my heart was to be married. I had to let go and let God and not push, nag, or try to control. Not easy for someone who liked being in control.
It worked! We will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in May. This past weekend we were with friends who will be celebrating 40 years of marriage. Larry shared, “I didn’t want to get married again because I didn’t want to feel responsible or take care of a woman. I value and respect a woman who is her own person and not needy.”
There was a time many years ago that I was dependent and very NEEDY on my husband. I expected him to take care of me, especially financially.
My family belonged to a Christian community for many years and I adhered to the teachings that husbands are the head of the household and women were submissive. The husband knew what was best for the family as he had a direct line to God. I followed it hook, line, and sinker. I was obedient and kept my mouth shut, thinking it was what Spirit wanted me to do. I willingly gave my power away believing my husband knew what was best for me. I didn’t have a VOICE.
It took years of “debriefing” to set myself free to believe and trust in myself. I went into therapy and attended workshops and retreats. I slowly recovered and went back to college. I dropped out of college in my junior year for a year because I was riddled with fear and didn’t think I could write a 20-page paper.
Thankfully, with the grace of God, I had the courage to face my fears and returned to school. It was a proud moment when I walked across the stage to receive my Bachelor’s degree. A few years later, I received my Master’s degree and became a Licensed Alcohol and Drug therapist.
I kept taking baby steps and GIANT steps (moving to Maui by myself) as I was committed to growing and evolving and being the woman I was meant to be. I don’t regret anything that happened in my life as I know we were all doing the best we could. I became my own best friend and stopped looking outside of myself for someone to save me or tell me what to do. I learned to love and cherish myself, as well as to communicate, speak up, set boundaries, and ask for what I wanted.
I was given the opportunity to speak up to a friend and use my voice a couple of weeks ago. I must admit it wasn’t easy. I prayed and asked Spirit for courage and help. Here is what happened:
I have a close friend who tends to go into details in our conversations. I sometimes felt frustrated, overwhelmed, and drained when I got off the phone. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt her (and I didn’t know how to say it!)
I prayed and asked Spirit for help as I didn’t want to lose her as a friend. Spirit put it on my heart to limit our conversations to 30 minutes. I thought this would solve the problem of her going into details, without me having to tell her.
Although she honored my boundary of 30-minute conversations, she said she felt frustrated with not having enough time to share what was going on with her. I understood completely.
It was time for me to be truthful and trust the relationship was solid enough, to be honest, and real. I sent her a loving email sharing my overwhelm and frustration with her need to go into details. She immediately responded thanking me for my honesty and her desire to change this about herself in our relationships and all of her relationships.
I felt grateful for her willingness to hear me and her desire to change. Our next phone conversation flowed with ease and grace and we both felt heard and understood. We agreed that if she started to go into details, I would simply say TMI (too much information.)
Conscious relationships, whether that be with family, friends, co-workers, or spouses are not always easy as we are all wounded in some way or another. They require patience, love, honesty, courage, and vulnerability.
How about you? Is there someone in your life that you are afraid to be honest and real with? I encourage you to trust Spirit and speak up and use your voice.
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