My ego reared its head
Are you aware of how your ego shows up and how it robs you of your peace? My ego shows up in many ways. I’m grateful that I recognize it and get back into the truth of who I am as a child of God and into my heart.
It “shows up” when I compare, compete, control, blame, shame, judge, feel guilty, afraid, unforgiving, jealous, or better or less than. I had no idea how ego played such a huge part in my life for many years.
I wasn’t “conscious” as I am today and how I allowed ego to rob me of my peace. I didn’t know we are all connected and ONE and that everything and everyone is a projection of what’s inside of me. Marianne Williamson states “The ego is the fear-based self or shadow. We are either hostage to ego or host to God.”
I had an experience this week of ego rearing its head by being triggered. Fortunately, I spotted my ego almost immediately and asked Spirit for help to change my “story” and perspective. Today, I see triggers as a gift from God showing me where I still need inner healing from my past.
There was a time when I judged and beat up on myself when I was triggered. Not anymore because I know when I’m triggered it is an unhealed part of me that’s coming up to be transformed and healed.
When I’m in the middle of being triggered and my emotions are out of control, I may not recognize immediately that I am being triggered. Whenever I’m reacting “strongly” to something in the present that doesn’t warrant such strong emotions, it’s often a trigger from my past.
My friend, Nancy, who is vacationing on Maui came to our home for dinner. Larry and I shared how grateful we were to be living here in our beautiful home and that our landlord hasn’t raised the rent in 8 years. Larry said, “Our landlord appreciates us especially since prior tenants destroyed the place and didn’t keep the place clean.” His next comment seemed to come out of nowhere and surprised Nancy and me. He said something like, “like us, we don’t clean.” Are you kidding me?
Of course, he was only kidding, but it triggered me big time and I froze. I felt embarrassed, insulted, shocked, and angry. When Nancy left, I calmly said to Larry, “I felt embarrassed when you said that about not cleaning. What did you mean?” He kind of brushed me off and minimized my feelings. I wanted Larry to acknowledge what he said and apologize for his behavior.
Instead of blowing up as I have in the past and reacting, I went to the bedroom and journaled my feelings without holding anything back. As I journaled my feelings, it became clear that the strong feelings weren’t about what Larry said, but about being in a marriage of 30 years when my husband was passive-aggressive and often put me down in front of others. I was surprised since I had forgiven my ex many years ago and didn’t have any ill feelings toward him. I wrote and used (EFT) Emotional Freedom Tapping until I felt peaceful and able to go to sleep.
When I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, the first thing that came to mind was what happened and how angry I felt. I knew it was my ego trying to keep me stuck and angry.
As I was falling back to sleep, I heard Spirit clearly say, “Can you forgive without an apology?” Wow, that was deep! With the grace of God and my willingness to let go of anger and forgive, I said YES. When I woke up in the morning, I had no “residue” of resentment from the night before. I had done my inner work and was free.
Larry takes Kobi out for an early walk before I wake up in the morning. When he returned from his walk, we greeted one another with a hug and he immediately said, “I apologize for what I said at dinner last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
I believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good. If I want to be the best and highest version of myself so I can love and serve Spirit, I must be willing to take responsibility and heal the wounded parts of myself that have been buried inside of me. It’s a process and things come up to be healed when we are ready to let go and surrender.
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