I needed a “Pat Day” and time to be alone to “go within” to meditate and pray. I drove to the ocean and parked my car along the road. I sat on the rocks and allowed the sound of the ocean waves to wash over me. I could feel the tears bubbling up and wasn’t even sure why I was crying. When I finished meditating, I prayed and asked God for clarity and truth about what was coming up and what I needed to release or change. I asked myself, “Was the pain about the present or something from my past?” Pain is an indication (especially emotional pain) that something needs my attention.
As I’ve shared in past blogs, being in a relationship is great (and I wouldn’t trade it for anything), but it does bring up my “stuff” and where I need to change and grow. It not only brings up my “stuff” that needs changing, it brings up how I’ve grown and changed. I like this much better.
Today I’m celebrating my growth and the courage to “go within.” I am committed to my spiritual journey and allowing whatever needs to come up to come up to be transformed. I no longer medicate my feelings, but allow myself to feel everything. I know to feel is to deal and to heal; and feelings are a gift from God.
Writing is one of the spiritual tools I use to help me get clear on what’s going on in my life. I just keep writing and writing until I get clarity and get to the bottom of my pain. Before I started to journal, I was able to identify some positive behaviors that I have changed over the years.
Spirit brought to mind an experience that I had with one of my sons about 10 years ago. I confronted him and shared my feelings about something he had done that hurt me. Clearly he didn’t hear me and no matter how I tried to explain it, he wasn’t buying it. I was frustrated because it was important for me to know he heard me (and change his behavior). After going around and around and trying every communication technique I knew, I finally got it and the light bulb went off. I was trying to control him and trying to make him see it my way. When this realization came to the light, I apologized for my controlling behaviors, of wanting to be right and was able to let it go!
Here is what happened and where my growth was: I confronted Larry about something that happened the night before when we had company. He listened, but didn’t have the same perspective that I had. In fact, it was just the opposite. The good news is that I didn’t argue with him, try to control him and get him to see it my way. I trusted my perception and didn’t have to make Larry wrong and me right. This was definitely growth. I knew it wasn’t resolved yet and we needed further discussion, but that would be after my time alone with God.
In past relationships, it may have taken me a week or a month or a year to share my feelings. Because I was afraid to share my feelings, resentment would build up and it would often come out sideways. I also would tend to minimize or deny things because I didn’t want to rock the boat. There were times that I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I often asked friends, “Would you feel this way if this happened to you?”
The growth for me is that I trusted myself, my feelings, Larry and the strength of our relationship to be honest and share my perception, even though it was different from his.
After Larry and I discussed the previous evening, I knew I needed to spend time alone with me. We had lunch plans with a friend. In the past (because of my people pleasing tendencies), I would have pushed myself to go to lunch because I thought someone else’s needs were more important than mine. I had to make a choice to love me and take care of my needs or to be there for another person. I chose to love me. I have learned the importance of loving myself first and filling up my tank before I can truly love another.
I spent 3 hours praying, writing and asking for clarity. I know my answers are within and if I ask, I will receive. What was revealed to me is that I am responsible:
- For myself, my perceptions and my feelings
- To give myself the attention and time that I need when I need it
- To communicate what I want and don’t want
- To set boundaries about what I will and won’t do
- To change what I can change
- To follow my heart, trust myself and change my mind when I want to
When I returned home, I shared with Larry all that happened in my prayer and meditation. I was clear, straight forward and non-judgmental. We had a great conversation and I felt loved and heard. Thank you God for answering my prayer for clarity & truth. Thank you for my awakening and the gifts that await me daily.
Alan Cohen writes, “When something painful happens, it isn’t the end of the story. It’s simply another chapter in the book. Hang in there until the end of the tale and you’ll find value and meaning in everything that happened and you’ll recognize its role in your awakening. A setback is really a setup and behind every tragedy awaits a gift. If you open it, it will be revealed.”
Are you a Rushaholic? Do you race around, multi-task and feel exhausted at the end of the day-and maybe even a little resentful?
Rushing was my addiction and a way of life for many years. On the outside, I looked peaceful, but there was an “inner rushing” that was pervasive and intense. I never rested or went within for my answers. I believed others had the answers for my life. I constantly raced around, going from one thing to another. If I rushed and stayed busy, I didn’t have time to feel my feelings and go within. I felt energized and powerful when I rushed. It gave me the illusion that I was in control.
Just like the alcoholic who uses alcohol to medicate painful feelings, I used rushing to medicate painful feelings from my childhood. I always pushed myself to do more and be more. I never felt good enough and didn’t know how to relax and just BE. Doing is what made me feel strong and bolstered my self esteem-what little I had. It almost killed me because I was disconnected from myself, God and the people I loved.
I read that rushing was abusive and a death wish. It’s a death wish because when you rush all the time, you disconnect from yourself and from the divine energy of God within. When you rush, you’re not respecting yourself or the God within. “Coping with speed has become the heroic journey that consumes the lifetime of the common man and woman. It is our greatest killer. Rushing puts you into adrenaline overload and drenches the body in epinephrine, a hormone stimulated by stress, anger or fear.” (Seven Whispers, Baldwin 2002.)
With any addiction, you need to stay vigilant. The old behaviors of rushing and staying busy often show up when you’re stressed, feel afraid or are triggered by something outside of yourself. It may be unfinished business from your childhood that needs to be healed and dealt with. The first step is to recognize the old behaviors and admit to yourself and God what’s going on. It is important not to beat up on yourself. What you need to do is to love and be compassionate with yourself. The second step is to ask for God’s help.
God often speaks to me through symbols; one of them being the turtle. I have them all over my house as a reminder of what is important in my life and what I need to do to maintain peace and Godliness. Turtles teach me about patience – which I wanted yesterday!
Slow and steady, the turtle knows when to move and when to stay still and rest. Turtles go within for their answers because they know the truth is within. As the turtle knows when to go in, I’m learning to go inside and trust myself, my intuition and my gut.
When you go inside, ask yourelf “What am I feeling and thinking?” You may need to change your stinking thinking. It’s so easy to take things personally or jump to conclusions and be negative. When you stick your head out, like the turtle, ask yourelf, “What action do I need to take?” It may be that you need to speak up, set a boundary, say “no,” forgive someone or let go of a resentment.
If you want peace and Godliness in your life, you must be willing to change. It only takes one person to change your life – you. You must be awake and practice slowing down, relaxing and living in the moment. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet. Make a commitment to yourself and God to connect/plug into the Power on a daily basis and ask for help and healing. I guarantee it will change your life and you are worth it. It’s your choice. Each morning, I get on my knees and ask for help. My intention is to love, be peaceful and to serve.
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