God is using Larry as an instrument of healing my unhealed sexual wounds

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Apr
19

I want to thank all of you who wrote and shared your responses to Larry’s thoughts and feelings about our love relationship. It touched us both very deeply and we are so grateful that our relationship gives you hope to see the possibilities of what God wants and intends for you in a committed relationship.

Many of you have shared how you appreciate my honesty and authenticity in writing my weekly blogs.  It truly is my desire to share the good, the bad and the ugly, although I don’t believe any more there is the bad or the ugly. Of course, there are always challenges or problems in our lives. But, I choose to see everything that happens to me as an opportunity rather than a problem because I believe that I attract everything into my life for my highest good and for my soul to grow.

Did I want to share what happened this week that was very personal and felt shameful? No, I didn’t but I know that shame is healed when it is brought into the light. I also heard Spirit say, “I want you to share this in your blog.” I choose to share it because I want to be true to myself and authentic to all of you.

Last Thursday, a few days before Easter, I felt a shooting pain in my whole lower back when I got up to get a drink of water. I remembered what my back felt like a few years ago when I could hardly walk and had to be on my back for a few weeks.  So, for 3 days I really “gave into” taking care of myself and rested and stayed quiet. I read books and iced and put heat on my back all day long. I prayed, meditated and did the Emotion Code to release trapped emotions. I believe that our body often wants to get our attention and speaks to us through our pain. Our body remembers everything that has ever happened to us and there may be emotions or false beliefs that need to be released.

It was revealed to me in prayer that I had an old belief that no longer served me. The belief was that it is wrong and bad to “waste time on myself” and to do nothing, even if it is very pleasurable. I loved lying in my bed and reading for hours. Because my back was hurting, I gave myself permission to rest and I didn’t feel guilty. Because of this false belief about “wasting time on myself”, I don’t think I would have given myself the luxury of reading all day without feeling some guilt.

Granted, there was a time in my life while I worked and raised a family that I didn’t think I had a choice to “waste time on myself.” I became a “busyaholic” because there was a lot to do, but also to medicate my feelings. I didn’t want to feel the pain that was deep inside of me, so I stayed busy. There is nothing wrong with being busy and responsible, but it must be balanced with taking time for ourselves and doing things that give us pleasure – and that may be doing nothing and reading a book all day long – without feeling guilty.

It’s important to know what gives you pleasure. During my quiet time, I wrote a list of all the things and activities that bring me pleasure and there were a lot of things on the list from dancing, walking on the beach to spending time with family and friends. I liked it when it popped into my mind that I am now a practicing “pleasuraholic.” A pleasuraholic means I live in the present moment, I feel all of my feelings, I believe I’m deserving of pleasure, I trust the process of life, I enjoy pleasure, I surrender and accept “what is.”

I was surprised when I received an email the next day that read, “Are you a pleasure anorexic? Do you unconsciously or habitually deprive yourself of pleasure? I immediately said, “No.” I have this one covered and that’s not me. After all, I had just written my list of all the ways that I give myself pleasure. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure from those I love. Then, Spirit shined its light into my heart and showed me some truths that I was in denial about and didn’t want to see about myself.

I’ve shared in past blogs that I was sexually abused as a young girl by a family member, a priest and a teacher. I was robbed of my innocence and suffered many years because of the abuse. It has been a long journey of healing, forgiving and transformation. I am very grateful to God for my healing. What I know about the spiritual journey is that there is always MORE uncovering and healing to be done, especially if there has been any kind of physical, emotional, spiritual abuse or trauma in our lives.

It may be uncomfortable and I may not like it when something comes into the light that needs attention and healing, but I know it’s for my highest good.  I felt sad and then angry when I realized that I was still suffering from the “aftermath” of the abuse and needed healing from the sexual abuse that occurred over 60 years ago.

Nothing changes when I stay in denial. When I come out of denial, I will not only have to face myself and the truth, but I will have the opportunity to change, with God’s grace. Even though I knew that change is for my good & necessary, I still felt some fear because it was unfamiliar territory where I didn’t have control. Feeling like you are in control is very important to someone who has experienced abuse.

I was able to admit to myself, that even though I had grown enormously in healing my sexuality, there were still some areas where I needed to heal and grow because I didn’t allow myself to RECEIVE all of the pleasure that I was entitled to and deserved to receive.

I know in my heart that Larry is God’s instrument in my life to heal my unhealed wounds. His love, kindness and patience give me courage to move forward and receive all the gifts God wants to give me, including enjoying my sexuality 100%.

Are you able to give and receive pleasure in your life or do you sometimes feel guilty doing things that are pleasurable and fun?  You are worth it and deserve to experience the riches God wants you to receive. Start today and do one good thing for yourself every day and see how that feels.