As I sat down to write this, I lit a candle and asked God to speak through me clearly because I knew the learning and healing I experienced this week was profound. For most of my life, it was my belief that I had to be strong, perfect and “together” for me to be loved. I am learning that when I am weak, God is strong in me. I am also coming to believe that being vulnerable is a “strength” (rather than a weakness) because it allows me to be cared for by God and others in ways that are nurturing and healing. I am not only learning to trust and depend on God in a deeper way, but I am learning to ask others for help and to trust they will be there for me when I need them. I am on a spiritual journey of profound reliance on God. It is a faith walk that I take one step at a time, leaning on God and others as much as I need to.
I woke up this morning with a sharp pain in my neck and filled with anxiety. I kept repeating to myself, “I let go, I let go, I trust you God.” A few hours later when my friend Trudy came over to give me a ride to the bank, she could see the pain on my face. I burst into tears and said, “I am feeling very vulnerable, afraid and needy.” Feeling vulnerable, needy and powerless is not a place I like to be; I like to be in control and know that I can take care of myself at all times. When I told her what was going on, she was so compassionate, loving and happy to hold a space for me. She said, “When I was in so much pain last month, you called me every day to check on me and I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I am happy to be here for you today.” She prayed with me while gently rubbing my back. We thanked God together for already answering my prayers. When she finished, we both cried as we knew on a deep level that God had brought us together to help and support one another in our time of vulnerability and need.
Here is what was going on: I let my friend borrow my “Maui Cruiser” car when I went back to Rhode Island for Christmas. A few days later she called and said, “Pat, I am afraid to drive your car because it is making a lot of noises. I cannot pick you up at the airport because I don’t think it will make it.” My car was working great when I left. I called my friend Steve who knows a lot about cars and helped me buy my car in September. He offered to go to my friend’s house and take a look at it for me. After he checked it out he said, “I think we should have it towed to my mechanic to make sure it is ok.” I agreed and called AAA in Hawaii and they were able to coordinate the towing to the garage. I was very grateful for Steve’s willingness to assist me with my car.
I was in Rhode Island and there was nothing I could do about it so I chose to stay in peace and trusted that the problem with my car was something minor and would be fixed. Of course, when I returned to Maui, I didn’t have a car and had to ask friends for rides to get around. Trudy has also offered to be my taxi cab driver while I am without a car. I wasn’t prepared when Steve called to give me the prognosis about my car. He said, “Pat, it needs a new engine. I have been looking on Craig’s list for a used engine and I found one in Lahaina and it costs $500. I will need the cash to bring to the mechanic so he can use his truck to pick up the engine.” I got off the phone in tears. I prayed and asked God who I could call to cash a check for me. My bank is out of state and I hadn’t opened a Hawaii bank account yet. Immediately, another friend came into my mind and I called and asked him for help. He was happy to assist me and agreed to meet me at his bank the next morning. I was filled with gratitude for his willingness to help me.
I realized that my feelings of vulnerability came from being alone here without family and not knowing anything about cars and engines and what I should do. I was choosing to trust Steve to guide me in my decision making. I prayed and asked God to open the door if I was to move forward and buy this “used engine” and close the door if it wasn’t a good engine. The story will be continued as it unfolds.
While this car business was going on which was stressful enough, I received a call from my new tenant in Rhode Island telling me she had several problems that needed to be addressed immediately; one of them being a leak in the dining room ceiling. My son gave me the name of someone who worked for him when he owned property. I called Walter and he agreed to go over the next day and address all of the problems. He contacted me afterward and told me what was needed to rectify the problems. Being 5000 miles away from my condo left me feeling quite vulnerable. I am sure that he could sense my stress with my quivering voice because as we were getting off the phone, he said, “I have it covered Pat, don’t worry.” It felt like God was saying to me, “I have it covered Pat, trust me and don’t worry. I have everything under control.”
The same day, I found out that one of my emails was hacked into and Delta Dental was dropping me because they hadn’t received my payment. Thank God both of these situations were taken care of and I didn’t lose my dental insurance.
I am learning to trust God by relinquishing my control and letting go and letting God. I am learning to ask others for help and trusting they will be there for me when I need them. I am learning to thank God in advance for how my prayers are being answered because an attitude of gratitude keeps me focused on God’s presence and power.
It is my belief that everything happens for a reason and that it is through problems and failures, weakness and neediness that I learn to rely more and more on God. Each problem or failure is followed by a growth spurt. I must have had a gigantic growth spurt this week. Whee…….. I am glad I got through it and can write about it. I know it’s all good and it’s all God.
DAILY WORD – LET GO LET GOD Jan/Feb pg.23
As I let go and let God, I am in the divine flow of life. Chores, tasks, commitments – I always have plenty to do. At times, I may even let my to-do list manage me, rather than the other way around. So today, I take a different approach: I let go. I let go of rushing, resentment, perfectionism and any feelings of insufficiency. Whatever I choose to do, I focus on it with gratitude, aware of the presence of God in this moment and in this work. I let God direct me through each activity with grace and ease, and I experience the joy of giving. When I finish, I bless what I have done and move on to my next task. I work in this way throughout the day, letting go and letting God steer me from one activity to the next. I am in the divine flow, and I am grateful
God is good and it’s all good! Many people have commented over the years to me, “You have so much faith and courage, how did you get it?” In my divine downloads, I share not only the magical moments and how I manifest many of my dreams, but the personal challenges and opportunities for growth, especially in my journey to Maui. Faith is built and strengthened often in the darkness because that is where we learn to trust God and ourselves more deeply. My desire is that your faith be strengthened, by reading about what I do to increase my faith.
God continues to “show up” in the morning when I sit and pray and see multiple beautiful rainbows across the sky. I am provided for at yard sales and Maui’s finest boutique “Sally’s” (aka Salvation Army.) For example: In just the few weeks that I have been here, I have received a new turquoise bathing suit, Puma sneakers, curtains for my bedroom, shorts, tops, head phones, brand new water shoes for snorkeling, sexy sun dresses and the list goes on. I don’t want for anything and it is such a thrill to find exactly what I want when I need it, and all for a great price. When I get home from my various adventures, I can look out and see the whales jumping in the ocean from my condo, and I have been on 2 Whale Watches since I have been here that have been breathtaking.
As you know I love to speak and give seminars and joining Toastmasters had been a great way for me to develop my skills and make friends who share my interests. Last week my friend Marti picked me up to join her for a Toastmaster’s meeting, and of course, she wanted to know what was going on since I moved to Maui. Before I went, I had decided that I wasn’t going to share with her that I was struggling. But as I started to share, it just came out – I wasn’t doing that great. I had some low energy for a couple of days and was feeling fear, impatience and a desire to control came up that I needed to release. As I have shared in other downloads, coming to Maui will bring up all your stuff and Mother Maui will “spit you out” if you are not meant to be here! Since I was basking in paradise, this emotional place was not where I wanted to be. Instead of having fun, what was coming up to be healed seemed like work. I was feeling conflicted because I know that life is to be enjoyed and my goal is to have fun while learning my lessons.
After the meeting on the way home, Marti thanked me for my honesty and sharing what was really going on in my life. I reflected on this and why I didn’t want to share with her in the first place. I wanted to look good, not feel vulnerable and I didn’t want to be judged (not that she would have judged me.) This is what was going on in my head (which can be a bad place to be sometimes). I found myself thinking things like “God has opened the door for you to come to Maui. You have a beautiful place to live. How could you not be doing great. What’s wrong with you?” Talk about self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. I knew I needed to change my thinking and fast!
I really appreciate it when my friends are honest with me and share their struggles. I feel honored and blessed to be there for them. I trust that they feel the same with me and want to be there for me when I need them. I strive to be authentic in all of my relationships. I am not saying to go around and be an open book to everyone you meet, but you can learn to discern and choose who is trustworthy and who has your best interests at heart. I did call my close friends, shared my struggle and asked for prayer. I know their love and prayers helped tremendously because I felt a shift inside of me.
My f faith is strengthened in many ways but the lesson for me today is to be honest with myself about what I am feeling, and also to be honest with God and another human being. And most importantly, to ask for help when I need it and allow myself to receive the love that is there for me. I am grateful for my daily lessons, for my renewed faith and for the people who love and support me on my faith walk.
After reflecting on all of this, I opened to this in prayer this morning when I picked up “Until Today” by Iyanla Vanzant
I am faith-filled and fear-free because….I know what to do without doing anything at all. You don’t have to do anything to get your good in life. You must, however, be open to receive it. For some of us receiving is much more difficult than doing, because we think we know what is required to earn our good. Earning puts you in control. Your doing is motivated by the belief that the more you do, the more you will get. Receiving means trusting that God is aware of what you need, desire and deserve. Deserving is a function of being. Being open! Being clear! Being grateful! Being focused! Being committed! Being Faithful, and being willing to receive. Being is a state of consciousness developed through unwavering faith and trust. You trust that you will always have what you need, and that is the foundation of your faith.”
And so it is! Aloha
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, right? I didn’t always believe that, but I do now. I am learning to ask and trust I will be heard and loved. I am also learning to go to people that I know will be there for me (and not judge or shame me.) We all know those types. Many people have a difficult time asking for help and find it much easier to give help than to receive it. Do you have a difficult time asking for help? Have you ever thought about why that is? Perhaps you thought others would think less of you or you wouldn’t make a good impression if you really shared your struggle or pain. You may have told yourself that you didn’t want to bother someone with your problems and that you should be able to figure things out by yourself. And the list goes on and on.
The truth of the matter is that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, you change and you allow another the opportunity to serve and love you. Learning to ask for help is just as important as giving help to others. Maybe more important.
I recently experienced the power of asking for help. I took a big risk by being vulnerable and shared what was coming up for me. After years of working on myself and deep healing, I felt shame that I was still experiencing some lower energy of not feeling deserving. I am currently involved in an online bootcamp for Spiritual Entreprenurers. We are encouraged to use the discussion board each week and share what’s going on. I decided to be authentic and ask the group for help. Instead of feeling judged and wrong, I received love and understanding and comfort.
After I sent the email to the group, I called my friend Linda in tears and asked for help. She said, “come over to my house right now and I will do energy healing on you and make you dinner.” I was already in my pajamas and had no make-up on. I said, “Ok, I will be right there.” I grabbed a coat and put it over my pajamas and jumped in the car. This was big for me, going out in my pajamas and no make-up on! I never go out without make-up on (and pajamas on.)
As I drove to her house, I already started to feel better. I felt like I had taken off my mask and was allowing her to be with me and love me just as I am. How liberating it felt. Her love and care touched me deeply. I felt peaceful and re-energized when I left. I was back on track knowing the truth of who I am – that I am ONE with God and God is all there is. All is well.
It’s in the struggle that we get grow and get stronger. It’s in the struggle that we get to know ourselves and free ourselves to become the best we can be. It’s in the struggle that we learn to love ourselves, believe in ourselves and trust ourselves. Change is not easy, even when it’s good change and exciting. It‘s not a time to shame ourselves, blame ourselves, feel like a victim or beat up on ourselves when we are struggling with becoming our authentic selves. When we are struggling to set ourselves free and fly higher, it is crucial that we are gentle and loving toward ourselves. We must rest from the struggle when we need to and just be. I think about the butterfly that is trying to set itself free from the cocoon. It’s safe in the cocoon, and yet to become the butterfly it has to break free and breakthrough the protective shell.
How do we break free from our self-protective cocoon to fly and use our God given talents? When I allow myself to be honest and vulnerable with a trusted friend, I not only free myself, but I free them to share their vulnerability and their struggle. Something magical happens when I take the risk and share my struggles and deepest desires, I know I am not alone. I feel courageous, stronger and more determined to break free and fly when I share from my soul. We are all craving authenticity.
We decided to meet for coffee to get to know one another. Before meeting, I wondered what we would talk about and said a little prayer for our meeting. I wasn’t planning on sharing my struggle with her, but before I knew it, it was out of my mouth that I had been feeling anxious about what was happening in my life. I shared my fears and how I had always pushed myself to do more, be more. The tears started to roll down her cheeks-I knew what I said touched something in her own life. And then it flowed and it was like we had known each other for years. She was hungering for connections – that soul connection with another person. She said she usually is more protective and doesn’t open up so quickly. On some level we both knew we could trust each other and be honest and that we had created this meeting for our highest good.
I left our meeting feeling energized, loved, understood and grateful. Is it that easy-just be honest with another and share the struggle and be authentic? Is that the human need to be heard, to be vulnerable, to share our truth without being judged. We as woman, need soul sisters to move us forward to become the best we can be.
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