Browsing all articles tagged with jealousy

I had a vision during surgery

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Not only am I seeing the world better due to cataract surgery last week, but my “spiritual eyes” were opened and healed during surgery. It felt like the veil was lifted and the truth revealed. I am ONE with God with everyone and everything. There is only ONE and there is only LOVE. I am a DIVINE being having a human experience.
Right before the surgery the doctor met with me and asked, “Mrs. Burns, do you have any questions or concerns?” I answered, “No, I’m feeling relaxed and there are angels here.” With a big smile, he got excited and said, “Yes angels, I believe in angels and I always pray for wisdom when I operate on patients.” Of course, that made me feel more relaxed as I put my hands together and said, “Namaste.” Then the anesthesiologist met with me to tell me he would be at my feet and administer anesthesia if and when I needed it.
I’m not particularly fond of hospitals and usually feel anxious or fearful before any kind of procedure. I know that I felt relaxed because of the mantra I said before and during the surgery. I repeated to myself “I choose love, I choose love, I choose love.” It worked because I remained peaceful throughout it all and didn’t require any anesthesia.
There was music playing in the background and as I listened to the words, I couldn’t help but smile. All I remember was “And then he kissed me.” I thought of when Larry kissed me for the first time and that made me feel good all over.
They had given me drops before the surgery to numb the eye so I didn’t feel anything. My face was covered with some kind of cloth with just an opening for the doctor to operate on my eye. I was instructed to watch the red light the whole time, which I did.
The doctor was at my left side during the procedure. He left my side to speak to someone to confer and all I could hear him saying was the number 23 that he repeated 3 times to the person he was talking to. He said, “I am 99% sure this is correct.” That was a little disconcerting that he was 99% sure of something he was doing to my eye. It was a few days later that Spirit brought to mind the significance of 23. It was the 23rd psalm. The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…
During the surgery as I kept my eye on the red light, all of a sudden, I saw big white puffy clouds and then the sky opened up and all I could see was a beautiful light blue sky. I felt a deep sense of peace within and knew something was happening, but I didn’t know what. I asked Spirit to reveal to me the significance of this “vision.”
It was a week later that Spirit revealed to me what the vision was all about and what happened during the surgery. For all of my life, I’ve struggled with jealousy and competition, especially with other women. Although the jealousy had lessened over the years, I still compared myself to other women and never felt like I was getting enough attention. I hated it and I loved it, but nothing worked. Jealousy just “showed up” when I least expected it and I learned to accept “what is” although I didn’t like it.
I knew that it stemmed from my mother’s alcoholism and her not being available emotionally for me all of my life. A few days ago, something happened with a friend that in the past would have brought up feelings of jealousy. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t feel any jealousy. It felt really odd and like something was missing. It might be like if you were in constant physical pain and then one day it was gone. You have lived with it for so long and you didn’t know what to do without it.
Like many of us, I have lived with emotional pain for years and had accepted “what is.” I did everything I could to heal and it was up to Source to do the rest. In the blink of an eye, I was healed and the truth revealed. I have the other cataract operation in a few days. I am curious and open to what will happen next. I choose love, I am love, you are love. Never give up, but keep trusting that Spirit has your back.

We would love to hear from you about how this blog has helped you on your journey. Do you know the truth that you are ONE with God, and never alone?

“Jealousy Reared it’s Ugly Head”

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I jumped out of bed, threw some water on my face and sat down at my computer because I had to write! I have never done that, until today. I asked myself, “What happens when you get hit right between the eyes with an aspect of yourself that is not very pretty and you didn’t know was there?  YOU ACCEPT IT AND LOVE IT!

Is it easy to do? No it’s not, but I know it’s the only way and an invitation from God to love myself more deeply. It is an opportunity to heal the darkness within that Spirit is shining its flashlight on.  It is not a time to beat up on myself and shame myself by saying, “You should know better after all these years of being on the spiritual path.” I have done enough of that in my lifetime. Today was a new day and a time to love myself, perhaps in a way that I had never done before.

I remembered something I read in the Big Book of  Alcoholics Anonymous that says: “Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. If I cannot accept every person, place and thing as exactly as it is, I will not have peace.”  And that includes myself.

You might be wondering  to yourself, “So what is the big deal she is going to share about herself with us?” It may not be big to you, but it is for me. One of the emotions I used to hate and felt awful about myself was when I felt jealous. Whenever, I felt jealous, I learned to say to myself, “Okay, jealousy, you are here again, come on in and have a cup of tea.” This was a great exercise to do to accept this emotion and heal it and it worked fast. In fact, I do with all of my emotions.

I haven’t struggled with jealousy in years.  Of course, there were brief episodes of jealousy that passed like the clouds, but no big deal.  But, today, was different.  I was outright jealous of a situation with a friend that I couldn’t shake off. I felt insecure, threatened, and judgmental and like a little kid again. I wondered, “Where the hell is this coming from?” I shared it with my friend, Kati, and she said,”Pat, What do you think this is about?” I laughed and said, “I just asked myself the same question.”    As I have shared before in other blogs, my belief is that I attract everything into my life for my highest good and that everything that happens to me has a purpose and meaning. When I reminded myself of that, I felt comforted and wanted to accept and love myself just as I am.

For most of my life, I have had to prove myself to God and others, and that was very exhausting.  I remembered that I had prayed and asked God to make me a pure instrument of love and that what was hidden in the darkness to come to the light to be healed and transformed. I felt lighter and decided to have a “Love Feast” day – to fill myself with the love from within. I decided to spend the day in prayer and read “A Return to Love”, by Marianne Williamson. I read the book several years ago and loved it. It talked about the principles of the “The Course in Miracles” in the book.  I didn’t have the book anymore, so I went to the library to get it. Here are some excerpts from Maryann’s book that helped me understand my present experience.

“Spiritual progress is like a detoxification. Things have to come up in order to be released. Once we have asked to be healed, then our unhealed places are forced to the surface.  Our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into our conscious awareness. Our fearful places have to be revealed before they can be healed. Our ego is merely our fears. We all have egos and that doesn’t make us bad people. Our egos are not where we are bad, but where we are wounded. We are all afraid at some level that if people saw who we really are, they would recoil in horror. That is why we invent the mask, to hide our true selves. But the true self – the Christ within us is that which is most beautiful. We must reveal ourselves at the deepest level in order to find how loveable we really are. When we dig deep enough into our real nature, we don’t find darkness. We find endless light.

The holy relationship is when we feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing that our darkness will not be judged, but forgiven. In this way, we are healed and freed to move into the light of our true being. This process of no longer being anesthetized by unconsciousness can be painful and we may be tempted to go backwards. It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than to choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that could last the rest of our lives. When we feel jealous, it is because of the need to hold on to whatever we’ve got. It is because we think another person’s good takes away from my own. The ego is a belief in finite resources, but  love is infinite. When we are in touch with our negative feelings and are able to release them, we feel the love that is beneath the feelings.”

I felt comforted by these words and knew I was experiencing deep inner healing.  Although I felt very vulnerable and scared (we are all afraid at some level that if people saw who we really are, they would recoil in horror) I decided to share my feelings of jealously with my friend.

I have a deep respect for this person and trusted that I would be loved no matter what, and that is exactly what happened.  Instead of feeling like a horrible person for being honest about what I was experiencing, I felt deeply loved and secure. As Williamson said “The holy relationship is when we feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing that our darkness will not be judged, but forgiven.” I believe this experience brought us closer as friends and my wounds were healed by God’s love.

When you receive this blog, I will be just landing in Rhode Island, as I am spending the month of July with family and friends. I would like to offer you an opportunity to meet with me for a coaching session or a day of healing to help you move forward and create the life you desire. Please email me or call and we can set up an appointment.  401-862-8859.

Happy 4th of July!


Aloha, Pat

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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

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