Letting go of my addiction to control

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Oct
24

God certainly knows how to get my attention, especially when I am not aligned with Spirit and fear is present. For example, when I woke up this morning, I felt fear in the pit of my stomach. It really surprised me because as I had shared in last week’s blog, our cruise was magnificent as I EXPANDED my heart to receive more of God’s love. My relationship with Larry had deepened and EXPANDED and our love for one another was stronger than ever. I asked myself, “Why would I be feeling fear now and where is it coming from?” I said a prayer and asked for help. I was determined to not let fear rob me of my joy like I did for so many years and the love that was being offered to me through Larry.

 
A couple of minutes later when I was about to check my emails, the thought popped into my head that I would love to receive a response from Karen about last week’s blog post “Walls come crashing down.” Karen lives on the East Coast and Karen has never responded to one of our blogs, nor have I had any communication with her in a few years. I had no idea why she popped into my head (other than Spirit answering my prayer and wanting me to pay attention).

 
I was shocked when I saw Karen’s name in my email box a couple of minutes later. I opened her email and it read “Pat this is beautiful and I am so happy to read about your journey of love. I especially love this part: “I heard the still, small voice of God say to me, “You just have to BE and let go of wanting to control the process and knowing what will happen next. You have surrendered your life to me so now you can sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Smile because Love is all there is and you are safe.”

 
Since this was in my face, I clearly needed to be reminded of the message Spirit gave me last week. “You need to let go of wanting to control the process and what will happen next.” The fear that I experienced when I woke up was about wanting to be in control. One of the big hurdles in life is when we are stepping into the unknown and not knowing what’s next. We are invited to take a leap of faith and trust.

 
Author Kute Blackson writes, “The root of misery is control. Control is the master addiction, the hardest one to give up. Control is an illusion, as there is so much in life that we cannot control. When you try to control what you cannot, then suffering is your guaranteed result.”

 
EXPANSION is about being in the flow and surrendering. Control is about constriction and contraction. I wrote in the blog last week that I was sure that my EXPANSION would be fun and maybe scary. Last week was fun, now the scary part was here and I needed to embrace and love the fearful part of me too. I also knew that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

 
I was willing to do whatever I needed to do and use all the tools I had to move through this and not put up my walls again. I didn’t eat over it or stay busy over the fear, but instead allowed myself to go into the pain and feel it all. I breathed through it and allowed what needed to come to come up.

I  spent the day in prayer and reflection uncovering and releasing beliefs that no longer served me. I recently read that 95% of our beliefs are in our subconscious and we are only conscious of 5% of our beliefs. Because of my history of sexual abuse starting at 10 years old with several abusers, I really needed to be still and listen to what my body needed next. As a young girl, I was robbed of my innocence and was now reclaiming it. Through the grace of God, I knew I was EXPANDING into the woman I was created to be and that I wanted to be.

 
It has been my experience that when we are close to a break-through or about to manifest something big in our lives, our fears will come up and sometimes with a vengeance. It means we are getting closer to what we really want. We cannot give up before the miracle and I wasn’t willing to give up before the miracle.

 
I asked Spirit what I needed to do and here is what I heard, “Keep doing what you are doing by acknowledging your fear, sharing it with Larry and letting it go. By sharing it with Larry you are bringing it to the light to be healed and transformed. You are being held and healed. Just like a mother holds her baby tenderly and lovingly and assures it that it is safe, you are doing that for your wounded child inside of you. Larry is my gift to you for your expansion and healing and you are a gift for his healing.”

 
Right before I was to send this out, I received this in my email box from Abraham:

 
“The hypocrisy around the subject of sexuality is huge. Early on, there were others who were a lot more interested in you satisfying what made them feel good than in satisfying what made you feel good. There were so many things that you felt inclined to go this way, that you were forced to go that way, that at an early age, you made a conscious decision that if it felt good, it was wrong. And if it felt wrong, it was probably right.”

 
Today, I am surrendering and letting go of my addiction to control. I am sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the ride. I am smiling because Love is all there is and I am safe.

 
“Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don’t know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough. Some of my richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith-not by sight.” Jesus Calling

 
How about you? Are you willing to surrender and walk by faith to receive the gifts that are waiting for you? Don’t let fear rob you and don’t give up before the miracle.

I was shocked when my friend said I was defensive

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May
9

I am so grateful for my daily “awakenings” because I get to witness what I had backwards for much of my life. I thought if I loved someone deeply and completely, they would love me back and I would be able to RECEIVE their love.

My focus for many years was on the “outside” and taking care of YOU (whoever you were at the time) because I needed you desperately to love me back. I was empty inside and experienced self-hatred, inadequacy and “not enoughness” in everything.  This led to my people pleasing behaviors and approval addiction.  Like many of us, I wasn’t taught how to love and appreciate myself because it was considered selfish and conceited. Instead of selfishness, think of “SELF is ness” which means noticing, accepting, loving, cherishing and appreciating yourself.  It is the grace Of God to the accept ourselves and that allows us to accept others.

It is my belief that the more I love and appreciate myself, the more I can RECEIVE love from another. We are not CAPABLE of receiving love from another if we haven’t learned to love ourselves. Sure, I have experienced love from another when I didn’t love myself, but it was never enough.  It wasn’t until I gave myself self-love that I was capable of RECEIVING the deep love I craved from another.  It all begins and ends with me as I awaken and come home to myself in my body, mind and spirit.  As women, we know how to give. We know how to over-give. But we have no idea how to RECEIVE. We have a serious crimp in our receiving hose.

When my focus and attention is on YOU whether that be caretaking, fixing, controlling or judging you, I don’t see ME and my behaviors until you mirror them back to me.  We know that what we spot in others, positive or negative is a part of us that we have disowned. It can also be called our shadow or blind spots.

It is humbling when God shines His light into my heart and shows me behaviors that I didn’t know were there. It is not always pleasant, but I am grateful because if I don’t see it, I can’t change it.  Years ago, a good friend told me that I was defensive. I was shocked and guess what I did? I defended myself!  I have worked very hard at not being defensive over the years so I was surprised what came up for me recently.

I shared with a friend something I noticed that she was saying about herself that I thought was negative. She became defensive. As I walked away, I realized that is how I used to be a lot when someone tried to point something out to me.  What a mirror she was. I learned a big lesson about the importance of just listening and not saying anything to defend myself.

After I shared the incident with Larry and what I learned, I asked him, “Do you think I am defensive?”  Silly me! He said, “YES,  A LOT.” I was shocked and then he laughed and said, “I’m only kidding.”  I said, “OUCH – please be serious because I really want to know the truth.”  He thought about it and said, “Not much.” I asked, “Where am I defensive?” He said, “Your driving.” I really wanted to defend myself and say, “Sure you wouldn’t like it if I told you what lane to drive in” but kept my mouth shut.

He was RIGHT because I have been defensive about my driving. The truth is that I don’t like to be told what to do. If I was totally confident in my driving, I could let his remarks just float by me, detach and not pay any attention to them.  Instead, my mouth goes on and on.  NO MORE. He can say whatever he wants to. I have kindly said to him, “Honey, if you don’t like how I drive, I would be happy to have you drive.”

Since this incident, I am noticing my “defensive behaviors” in the kitchen when Larry suggests that I do something that I already know how to do.  I think to myself he must think I am stupid. I sometimes react with a smart remark instead of just saying O.K.  I think he is just trying to be helpful and I don’t need to take it personally and think he is judging me.

As I am awakening and my “stuff” comes to the light to be healed and transformed, it is crucial that I continue to love myself and not beat up on myself as I did for so many years.  It’s another opportunity to embrace all of me the positive and the negative because it’s all GOOD.

Larry

I was remembering the other day that when people ask me, “How do you feel today?” My reply is usually an automatic “Magnificent.”  When someone says to me, “Enjoy your day” my reply is, “Thank you, I am” and I really mean what I say.   

I don’t live in a dream world and have challenges just like we all do. I have gray times, times of fear and uncertainty.  I’m traveling this journey just like anyone else but I have this core belief and at that level I feel magnificent.  My question to myself is, “How did I reach this place and why do I feel this way?” 

As I think about it, there are many reasons that I can share.  

I start enjoying each day immediately as I awaken.   

I see each day as a gift. 

I live with an attitude of gratitude. 

I have made it a habit of deleting negative thoughts and negative energy in my life. 

I take the time to enjoy the many gifts that are offered to me each day; the morning sunrise, the sweetness of the morning air, the beautiful aroma of a pulmeria bloom, the birds singing, the sun shining, beautiful flowers all around us, the ocean, the mountains, the sky, etc. 

I have become more accepting and flexible about people and situations in my life. 

I am learning not to judge and have learned how to forgive.  I understand how unforgiveness is like a lead weight that we carry around, we will never be truly happy or at peace until we learn to forgive. 

 I consciously make decisions to eliminate stress in my life. 

I take full responsibility for my actions and with the help of grace make conscious decisions. 

I try to consciously face my fears and eliminate them with help from the energy and light of love. 

I associate with loving people who are actively seeking their truth, as they discover their ways to become vessels of love. 

I give myself permission to just BE. No planned time, open time, time to relax, inhale and let it out slowly, rest, listen to the silence voice of God.  Take a walk in nature, by the ocean or mountains. 

I live with a partner who is loving, caring, supportive, kind, beautiful inside and out, generous and funny. I’m so fortunate to share my journey with her. 

Thank you for allowing me to share with you why I feel so MAGNIFICENT.  Participating in this sharing has helped me to understand how I arrived at this place.  Perhaps reading this may be beneficial to someone else who is seeking to find their MAGNIFICENCE.

“I gave myself a “pep talk” and said, You are a big girl now”

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Sep
17

I opened to this passage in prayer this morning from Alan Cohen’s book, “Wisdom of the Heart.” It really spoke to me and I have been thinking about how I have learned to love myself and give myself what I need. I loved the part that said, IT IS MY OWN LOVE THAT I WANT. How many of us have spent years looking outside of ourselves for love?

“Your relationships are your mirrors: The love you receive – or don’t receive – from others is a reflection of how much you love yourself. When you truly love yourself, you can never be abused. But when you don’t love yourself, nobody on the planet will be able to save you.

 If you feel sad or frustrated that you are not getting the love, appreciation, and acknowledgement that you crave from someone else, GIVE IT TO YOURSELF.  IT’S YOUR OWN LOVE YOU WANT, so why confuse yourself by seeking it from another? When you honor and nurture yourself, your happiness will proceed from within you, and you won’t have to depend on another for it. As you give yourself more love, your relationships will change to reflect your self-honoring.  Another person isn’t a source of your love – YOU ARE. True love is an inside job.”  Wisdom of the Heart, Alan Cohen

How do you give yourself love? Do you look to another hoping they will fill the emptiness and hole inside of you? Do you try to please others, often at the expense of yourself, so they will eventually love you more? Do you have a hard time saying no because you think you will be rejected, not liked, abandoned or someone will be angry with you?  I know what it is like because I did it all.

There are many ways that I have learned to love myself and I would like to share a few of the ways I loved myself this past week.

I will start with feelings – I have learned to invite all of my feelings in, to embrace and accept them, to honor and not judge them.  Most of all, I have learned to trust my feelings and give myself the time to process my feelings and allow them to move through me.  When I first started my spiritual journey several decades ago, I didn’t know what my feelings were, never mind, trust them. I would often ask others, “Would you feel this way if this happened to you?”  I looked outside for permission to feel my feelings. No more.

For example, this week a friend of mine sent me an email and wanted to introduce me to a new healing modality that he had been gifted with.  I said yes without giving it much thought.  But, then I started to feel uncomfortable and I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to disappoint him and back out, but I have learned to trust and honor my feelings and I wasn’t willing to discount my feelings, even though I didn’t have clarity about why I felt uncomfortable.  In the past, I would have said yes to please him and not disappoint him. In other words, I would have been more interested in his feelings than my own.  After all, I would be helping him practice this new healing modality that he had been gifted with and he was offering this to me as a gift. When we spoke on the phone, I was honest with him and told him that I felt uncomfortable and had chosen not to do it. I explained that it had nothing to do with him.

I accept gifts graciously – when it feels right and comfortable.  For example, I was sitting at the pool reading when a woman passed by and said, “I see your bag, are you from Rhode Island?”  I said, “Yes, I am, are you from Rhode Island?” She said, “No, but I went to college in Boston.”  That is how our conversation began and we talked for quite a while. When the waitress walked by and announced, “Happy Hour” she ordered a Mau Tai and said, “I would like to buy a drink for Pat too.” I said, “Thank you, I would love a Mai Tai with you.”  I told her when the drinks came that she would be on my “gratitude list” the next day.  That opened a whole conversation about the importance of gratitude and focusing on what we do have, rather than what is missing.  We just never know when or where we can share universal truths that may help someone.

Another way I have learned to love myself is by speaking up and asking for what I want, even though I might feel nervous.  For example, my landlord, who lives in Canada 6 months out of the year, returned unexpectedly yesterday and informed me that there was going to be some construction going on the property this week.  He said, “I don’t think it will be much of a problem for you.” Well, it was a big problem.  I had to cancel a coaching client because the construction was right outside my window and very loud. I needed to speak to the owner and tell him I would have to leave for the week.  After I ate my dark chocolate (to give me courage) and gave myself a little “pep talk” that I am a big girl now, I walked outside and said, “Doug, I cannot stay here this week with this construction going on and we need to come up with another plan.” He apologized for the inconvenience and asked me to come up with a suitable plan, which I did.

I had just spoken to my friend, Kati, on the phone and explained that I had to leave for a few days.  She invited me to stay in her ohana because she just “happened” to be going out of town. She has a lovely home in walking distance to the ocean.  I took her up on her offer, and off I went.

I believe I attract EVERYTHING into my life for my highest good. My brilliant and magnificent soul knows what it needs to attract and when it needs to attract it. I can choose to see what comes into my life as a challenge or a blessing and opportunity to learn, grow and heal. I chose to see this situation as an opportunity and gift rather than a problem to complain about.

While I was at Kati’s home, I was taking my “prayer walk” on the beach the first morning I arrived. I felt so blessed and was “high” on gratitude. I noticed this woman about my age approaching me with a hat on and thought, “Another hat lady on the beach.”  As she got closer, it looked like she recognized me and wanted to stop and talk. I didn’t recognize her so I took off my sunglasses to see her better. She came right up to me and enthusiastically said, “I have to share something with you.” I got excited and thought, “She has a message from God for me.”  I so enjoy when God gives me a message for someone and I love to receive them for myself.

She then opened her hand to show me a beautiful multi- colored blue shell and said, “I am so excited because I just found this at my feet and it is a confirmation for me.” Being the curious and interested woman that I am, I said, “A confirmation about what?” She said, “It is a confirmation TO BE MYSELF AND TO LET GO because I was just standing here looking in the ocean and dancing and thinking about this.  I said, “You mean to not worry about what others think” and she said, “Yes, exactly.”  Her name was Heidi and we chatted for a little while longer and she told me she lived in Hawaii for 26 years and raised 4 children here.

She could tell “I was getting what she said” and then took my hand and put it on the shell. She looked me in the eyes and gently said, “This is a message for you too.”  I thanked her for sharing her gift with me, as we parted.  I asked myself, “Is it that easy TO BE MYSELF AND TO LET GO?”  It has certainly been my life long journey to know and be myself and to love myself. Was she an angel giving me a simple, but profound message?  I think so.

As I continued my walk on the beach, I asked Spirit for a “confirmation” and started looking for a shell like the one she had found. I heard Spirit gently say to me, “You don’t have to look for your good, it will come to you and you will know  when it comes.” Yes, that is the truth and I will stop looking and just be open to whatever good you bring into my life.  I will continue to “Show up” for life and be grateful for all of my blessings.

Thank you Spirit for taking care of me this week; for Kati opening her home for me to stay, for loving myself and speaking up for what I needed, for meeting my “Angel Heidi” on the beach and receiving the message, TO BE MYSELF AND LET GO.  Thank you that my landlord will be taking off $250 from my rent this month and I had the opportunity to PLAY at the ocean.  Could it get any better than this?