“My shit is coming up and I hate it”

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Sep
17

When an artist sits down to paint, she doesn’t know what will come out on the paper.  She may have some ideas, but she doesn’t know what the finished product will look like. When I sit down to write, I also don’t know what the finished product will look like. I am trusting that what I share with you today will inspire you to go deeper and give you the courage to love the parts of yourself that are hidden and perhaps, hated.

My “plan” was to write about my adventures of camping for the first time on Labor Day weekend.  I may still do that, but God had other “plans” for me to write about, first.  It would be easier to share the camping adventures, but I don’t think that is what I am meant to do.

I had forgotten that whenever I am preparing to lead a retreat, my “stuff” comes up.  My friend, Kati, and I are leading a retreat called, “Fall in love with Your Inner Goddess ” in 2 weeks.  I called her in tears yesterday and said, “I am a mess and my shit is coming up.”  I was half-hoping that she wouldn’t answer her phone and I could leave a message and ask her to pray for me.  She lovingly said, “What’s going on and I know there will be gifts from this.” I said, “This sucks” as the tears continued to roll down my cheeks.  The intensity of my feelings surprised me as I blurted out, “I HATE THIS PART OF ME. I don’t want to love this part of me. I won’t love it because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am still struggling with this.”

I babbled on about how I was struggling with comparing myself to others and looking outside for validation. I was angry at myself because I thought I had dealt with this “stuff” a long time ago. I asked myself, “Why is it coming up now and why do I still look outside for validation – for someone to tell me how great or gifted I am?”  I know that looking outside of myself for validation is empty and nothing but an illusion. It is self-love that I need.

In fact, I had just said to someone a couple of days ago how I used to struggle with comparing myself with others and that if I become aware that I am feeling “less than” and comparing myself, I sing out loud, to myself “STOP IN THE NAME OF GOD.”   It always works.

Somehow my “Higher Self” knew that singing this time wasn’t going to work and that I needed to really allow myself the time and space to explore and go deeper.  I am all for changing my thoughts to feel better, but sometimes what is needed is to sit with my feelings and allow them to move through me.  I spent time alone in prayer and meditation and loved myself the best way I knew how. I hugged myself, took naps and did breathing exercises to help release emotions that were hidden.

The first step in loving me was to be honest and vulnerable enough to call Kati and ask for help.  It’s easy to share with someone, after the struggle is over, how I got through it. It is harder when I am IN MY STUFF and feel out of control and afraid. I didn’t know until that moment that I HATED this part of me. I knew I wasn’t pleased with myself when I compared myself to another, but I didn’t know there was HATRED there. 

I am reading a book called, “The Power if Receiving” by Amanda Owen.  In her book she talks about the importance of loving the light and the dark parts of ourselves so we can be whole and integrated. She has an exercise called the “Monster Party.”  We have a party in our imagination and invite all of our friends to attend. We then invite our “inner monsters” one by one to come out into the light to be transformed and healed.  I had a “Monster Party” and invited comparing and looking outside for validation to come out of hiding. It was time to love that part of me that was hidden and in the dark. She didn’t trust me at first and felt a lot of shame. It was very powerful to see the transformation as she reluctantly came out of the dark dungeon within me.  I said to her, “Let me lead you and hold your hand. I want you to meet my friends and family. You have been hiding too long and I want you to feel my love and the light of God.” As she came out and stood up straight, I saw the beauty in her eyes and she was happy that she was now free.

As I shared in the beginning, Kati said, “There will be gifts for you through this experience” and she was right. I believe that the deep shame that was hidden in my subconscious mind was brought into the light and healed. When I hate a part of myself and it stays hidden in the recesses of my mind, I am not free to move forward and be the woman I want to be. I need to have love and compassion on myself for the wounded parts of me that still need healing. This will be a lifelong process.

The tears and my desire to love all of me allowed this to come up and be transformed by the light of Spirit. I will no longer need to compare myself because I can now see my beauty and my gifts. I will celebrate others gifts because I can now celebrate my own. 

I asked God for a dream to comfort me when I went to bed last night. It had been quite a while since I remembered a dream and I really needed one after all that I experienced during the day.  I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to write down the dream.

The dream was very powerful as I was climbing a mountain and reached the top. In my dreams, this means that I am moving closer to God, spiritual attainment and overcoming obstacles.  My grandmother, who loved me unconditionally, and ironically today was her birthday came to me in my dream. It had been years since I had a dream about her. I also realized that today is my anniversary of moving to Maui. My grandmother helped me move into my new home that had just been built. Moving to a new home in dreams is significant because it means I am moving out of the old and moving into a new state of consciousness.  The symbolism in the dream could not have been any more perfect. 

By allowing the process of going deeper into my soul and the subconscious, I was able to bring to the light what I hated in myself and had not been able to accept.  It was like it was buried alive. God lifted me up and I experienced God’s love and light in a new way. It feels like the deeper I go, the higher I go with God. The dream about climbing the mountain was certainly a confirmation to this. I have read from the spiritual masters that the DEEPER we go with God, the more we will see our darkness that needs to be healed, transformed and brought into the light. I am grateful that I am on the right path and going DEEPER with God.  Rather than feeling like we are going backwards, the truth is that we are moving forward so that our light will shine even more brightly.

Is there something that you don’t love about yourself or haven’t accepted? I invite you to go deeper into your soul and allow Spirit to bring those parts of yourself into the light so you can be transformed. Have a Monster Party and let it all hang out!