I almost self-sabotaged my relationship
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At times, we are our own worst enemies. Our critical “inner voice” is formed from our early life experiences. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development. Once we know where our self sabotaging thoughts come from, we can start to differentiate the negative identity we have cast upon ourselves. We can familiarize ourselves with our critical “inner voice” and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process. As we do this, we can start to recognize ways we act that we don’t like or respect. It is like being a detective to recognize my “inner critic” and it takes diligence and commitment to change it.
I have been on the journey of loving myself and self- care for many years and that includes changing my critical “inner voice.” I am learning to love & trust myself more deeply as I trust the process and live in the moment. I experience peace when I follow my intuition and know what I want.
Through a series of events, I realized how I unconsciously self-sabotage myself. Self-sabotaging behaviors are often hidden from our everyday thoughts. I know that when starting something new, a part of us is going to resist the change and fear may come up. That could be a new job, a new relationship, a move, a birth, a new career. It takes courage to do something you haven’t done before and often doubts will arise.
This week I bumped into old behaviors that reared their ugly head. The good news is that I recognized the behaviors and therefore had a choice as to what I wanted to do to change them. Being in a new relationship with Larry is wonderful and I am so grateful that he is in my life, but intimacy with a partner heals us by bringing up old unconscious pain to the surface so it can be resolved and released. Closeness with another brings up our fears of abandonment and rejection, and their close relatives on the other side of the pendulum, fears of entrapment and commitment. Intimacy means in-to-me-see.
Both are two sides of the same coin. They are fear of losing love, and fear of losing self.
These fears come up in all intimate relationships to be dealt with and healed. They are behind all behaviors of clinging, distancing, controlling, protecting, numbing out, aggression, passive-aggression, and extreme, fear-based independence.
The important thing is to be able to recognize our fears and behaviors and not block God’s flow of good into your life. I put my book “to bed” and didn’t look at it for one year because I was afraid to move forward. I didn’t identify it as fear at the time and said to myself, “I just don’t want to do it.”
But the truth is I was filled with fear, but not ready to admit it and face it. If I hadn’t faced my fear and written my book, I would not be enjoying the life I have now. Today, when fears or doubts arise, I pray and affirm my faith in God’s healing power.
Here is how I unconsciously almost sabotaged my relationship with Larry this week. I had to “check out” things a few times that I was imagining in my head and found out that I was making up stories that weren’t true. I stress myself out needlessly because of the unconscious fear of losing him. Our relationship is so good that “It’s too good to be true” may have been playing in the background. I have changed that to “It’s good and it’s true.” Because of this fear, I found myself distancing from him in small ways. If I push him away, I can’t be hurt as I have been in the past.
What has also come to the light is how I sabotage myself by wanting to do things perfectly and put pressure on myself to know something before I have even been taught. Sometimes my expectations of myself are unrealistic. When I am stressed and put pressure on myself, I am my own worst enemy. I wrote this in my journal this week. No more pressure, only pleasure.
Along with the perfectionism was the need to rush and have it all NOW rather than be patient and trust the process. The old behavior of trying so hard to make it right and control things were evident in my life. Can you relate?
The way out of this is through it. I first became aware of my feelings and behaviors and how I was sabotaging myself because of fear. I wanted things to be perfect and was rushing to have it all NOW. As I worked through it and was able to see the truth, I was able to share honesty with Larry about my experience. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and faced my fears. I now understand that patience and trust in God are important ingredients on the road to intimacy and healing.
“You are one hot mamma expressing in the world”
“Pat, I am so thankful that you are LIVING YOUR DREAM and that I get to live it with you. So many people have dreams, but you are one of the few I know who actually live them. Maui is your true essence because I have watched you bloom just like the flowers in the photos you send. Maui is a true paradise and it feels like I’ve landed in heaven. Thank you, Linda.”
I am so excited that my friend, Linda, is my first guest to visit me from the mainland. I plan on taking her all over the island and doing fun things like going to a Hawaiian luau, visiting the Lavender Farm and snorkeling with the turtles. We saw our first whale of the season and it was very exciting. We saw the dolphins and were graced with a beautiful rainbow when we started our snorkeling boat ride on the Maui Magic. It is such a joy to share paradise with her. I am sure I will have many stories to share.
I have several stories this week that I would like to share with you where I saw God’s hand at work. I love how the Universe works and gives me “information” when I need it. I don’t call them coincidences; I call them “Godincidences.” For example, I had my last chiropractor appointment last Friday. After the treatment, I stopped at the desk to talk to Dr. Wilcox’s wife, Dr. Gina, who is also a chiropractor. When my friend, Sandy, drove me to my first appointment she spotted Gina’s book, “The Power to Heal Yourself” and purchased it that day. Sandy gave it to me to read when we left the office.
I commented to Dr. Gina about how much I loved her book and how I resonated with her faith walk. That opened up the conversation and we shared deeply about our love for God and doing God’s will. We plan on getting together for lunch and sharing our stories.
I was taken back when she said, “Pat, I have to tell you something. My patient, Andrea, invited me to their next book club study and they are reading your book, “Simply a Woman of Faith.” I stood there with my mouth open because I had no idea this was planned. I asked, “Do you know how that happened?” Dr. Gina said, “Andrea met you at a water aerobics class a few months ago and you told her you wrote a book. They chose your book for their book study next month.” I remember meeting a woman at the class in the ocean, but hadn’t seen her since that day.
If I hadn’t hurt my back and went to the chiropractor for treatment, I wouldn’t have met Dr. Gina and wouldn’t have known that my book was being read for their book club. I am hoping that I will be invited to join them. God is good.
That same day, after my chiropractor appointment, I met my friend, Joni, at Ben Franklin’s Craft Store in town. Joni is getting married in March and I am doing the flowers for her wedding. We chose beautiful colorful flowers for the centerpieces for the tables. Many years ago, I had my own flower business out of my home and I love to do flower arrangements. While we were there, we noticed floral arrangements that were already made up. I said to Joni, “I wonder who does these arrangements?”
While we were checking out at the register, I walked away for a moment. When I came back, Joni was talking to the woman and asking her if they needed anyone to do flower arrangements (but I hadn’t heard that.) I immediately said, “Are you hiring people to do flower arrangements?” The woman said, “Yes we are, can you send me a portfolio of your work?” I no longer had a portfolio, but told her I would take some pictures of arrangements that I had made in my home.
I had just mentioned to my friend, Kati, that I was open to the possibility of some kind of part-time work (but had no idea what.) I had been praying about it and said to God, “If I am to work, please bring something to me because I don’t want to go out and look for a job.” As I reflected back over the last 20 years regarding my jobs, I realized that all of my jobs just “came to me” almost miraculously.
The next day was Saturday – Yard Sale Day. I found all kind of flowers, vases, ribbons and baskets to play with, especially at one yard sale when the woman said, “I am moving back to the mainland and am closing my floral business.” It couldn’t have been more perfect and what a confirmation of the direction I want to play in.
I went home and made some arrangements so I could send the woman some pictures of my work. I don’t know if I want to work a part-time job or if I will hear from Ben Franklin’s, but I do know that I would love to do floral arrangements for special occasions and custom made arrangements. Kati and I even came up with a name for my business – “Beauty in Bloom Florals.”
After my last blog, my friend, Trudy, sent me an email and said, “Pat, I wished you had mentioned some of the things you do “do” on Maui. You lead women’s workshops and you are writing another book. You also do life coaching. You are one hot mama expressing in this world!” Another friend, Karen, wrote “But you are doing so much.You are inspiring and your words are healing and make me smile. Such joy and freedom of spirit. Thank you both for reminding me of what I am “doing” that delights my heart and soul.
My daily prayer is to be open to receive whatever the Universe wants to give me. Here is a funny story of something I received this week. I went to my favorite consignment store, “Rainbow Attic” to browse around. I was standing in the front of the store when a man walked in carrying a frozen turkey in one of his hands. I had to comment and say something funny about the turkey. He said, “I just got it free from Foodland because I had points and am bringing it home after this. We both went about our shopping and I was at the cash register when he came up to me and said, “I have another receipt for a free turkey, would you like it?” Of course, I said, “Yes, thank you.”
“I am not only a bountiful giver; I am also a willing receiver. When I receive with gratitude, I plan an important rold in the circulation of God’s good. I am open, worthy, and receptive to the gifts showered upon me from a generous and abundant Universe.” Daily Word Nov./Dec.
How I Manifested the Trip of a Lifetime
Approximately 10 years ago, I began to explore The Law of Attraction and the principles of manifestation. At that time, I listened to a series of tapes by Wayne Dyer in which he taught the Meditations for Manifesting. According to Dr. Dyer he had been given these meditations by an Indian guru who wanted him to introduce this practice to the Western world.
The meditation was to be practiced 20 minutes per day in the morning and evening. I decided to give it a try. I did the meditation daily for about one month when an amazing series of events occurred.
One day a co-worker came into work and mentioned to me that her friend in Maui, Hawaii had just asked her to house sit for 3 weeks but she couldn’t go. I said, “Maui, Hawaii? I’ve always wanted to go there. I’ll do it!” She looked at me doubtfully, but I told her I was completely serious. We called her friend in Maui and I spoke to her.
A few weeks later I found myself in a gorgeous house overlooking the ocean in one of the most beautiful locations on Maui. I was about one mile from a group of amazing 5 star resorts and the most beautiful beaches in the world. I had full access to this house and the woman’s car.
To top it all off, one of the resorts down the road was the famous world-class Grand Wailea, which happened to be mentioned on the manifesting tapes that I originally listened to by Wayne Dyer. He spoke about how he and his family had spent some time at this very exclusive Hawaiian resort. When I heard that, I thought “I want to go there!” Much to my surprise, within one month, I was there. While staying in this house, I was able to go over to the Grand Wailea almost daily, use their beach and swim in their amazing pools.
It was the trip of a lifetime and one that I will always remember.
Nancy Harris, LICSW
Conscious Detachment
Do you want peace in your life? Do you want to feel respected and loved? Learning Conscious Detachment can dramatically improve your relationships with your loved ones so they will also feel respected and loved.
What is Conscious Detachment? It’s emotionally separating from a person. It’s the freedom to own what’s yours and allow other’s to own what’s theirs. When we detach, we let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves.
There are behaviors that can give us clues that we need to detach which
include, but are not limited to; obsessing about another person, feeling like a victim, making excuses for another person, worrying, depression, not sleeping, overeating, blaming others, nagging, trying to manipulate, feeling out of control, feelings of urgency that we need to do something or fix someone, feeling guilty that it’s our fault.
Detachment is difficult because of our need to control. We may fear that if we let go of control, something bad will happen. Control is an illusion. We may not trust that the person we need to detach from will make the right decision on their own and that they need our advice. People are often unaware that they have a need to control and are surprised when someone tells them that they are controlling.
Refusing to feel is a sign that we may be controlling. Controlling behavior requires denying, ignoring our own needs and feeling resentful when our needs are not met. When we try to control others and that includes adult children, we don’t give them choices and that’s not loving or respectful.
Examples of controlling behavior may be quiet anger, disapproval, being nice, silence, apologizing, guilt, reminders, suggestions, lectures, complaining, pouting, being hurt and refusing to ask for what we need.
CONSCIOUS DETACHMENT IS A CHOICE
It’s getting the focus off changing another person no matter how much we love them. We begin to focus on ourselves and what needs to be changed in us. This is where the power is. It’s getting the focus off the past – what we’ve done, not done, what someone has done to us or not done.
It’s not focusing on the future with all the “what if’s.” It’s allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, letting them go, being in the present moment and trusting in a power greater than ourselves.
Taken from Ivanla Vanzant’s book “Tapping the Power Within”
Detachment is:
- We care, but don’t intrude.
- We honor people and their process even if it looks dysfunctional to us.
- We allow people to learn, grow and unfold at their own pace.
- We trust and respect people enough to let them live their own lives.
- We hold no expectation or judgements about what their process looks like or how long it will take.
- We ask them what direction they are choosing for themselves.
- We trust that divine order will guide them.
- We remember how our learning, growing healing process must have looked to others and we offer compassion that we didn’t receive.
- We trust that people can make it on their own.
DETACHING WITH LOVE IS A PROCESS
- Get honest with our feelings
- Talk to people we trust and understand us
- Get in touch with Higher Power, ask for help and pray
- Dump all anger and resentment
The first step in detaching with love is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. This means that we can no longer blame our loved ones for the way we feel. No one makes us feel anything. It’s our reaction to the behavior that causes us pain, anger, resentment and disappointment. We lose ourselves when we become so involved in another’s behavior. Regaining our self-respect and self-esteem is a big benefit of detaching with love.
The next step in detaching with love is acceptance. Acceptance is the
key. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we necessarily feel ok about
current or past situations. It means that we stop trying to change
what we have no power over. Acceptance brings PEACE. Acceptance
is letting go of control and accepting what is.
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Simply A Woman of Faith
Pat’s book, Simply A Woman of Faith, is available for only $16.45 (incl. S&H).
Click here to order.
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