When I shared with Larry 5 years ago “I have feelings for you” after 2 years of being best friends, he was very surprised and answered, “Let’s see what happens.” Not exactly what I wanted to hear!
To be fair to him, I had made it very clear that I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship and he accepted that. We often joked with one another and said, “We don’t want to mess up our relationship by going to the next level.”
It took about a week for us to go to the next level! We had already built the foundation of trust so it was easy to move forward. We have a lot in common and are compatible and we are very different in some areas. I guess that’s what makes it interesting, fun and sometimes challenging.
For example: I’m very expressive and get excited easily when a new opportunity comes or something good happens. I’m out there shouting from the roof tops to whomever will listen. Larry, on the other hand, is kind of laid back with an attitude of “Let’s see what happens.”
I know this about him and have accepted our differences. There is no right or wrong way, it’s just the way we have learned to process things. It’s not that he’s not excited and happy for me, because he’s very supportive of whatever I want to do in my life.
I asked Larry about where his “Let’s see what happens” attitude comes from. He said, “I guess I’m conservative and “Let’s see what happens” makes sense to me. I don’t count my chickens before they hatch and it protects me from disappointment.”
Here is what happened this week and how we worked through it.
I shared in last week’s blog that I had been on “Divine Pause” for the last 9 months. I prayed, waited, trusted, and surrendered my life to God. I trusted I would be guided and doors would open at the perfect and right time.
I also shared I was invited by Amrita Grace (Co-founder and director) to teach at the Divine Feminine Mystery School in November about Codependency-a subject that I am passionate about. She is recommending me as the Spiritual, Sexual Life Coach for the women if they want coaching while going through the program.
I’m over the top excited and said, “YES” when Amrita invited me to be on the staff at the school. I am honored and humbled for this opportunity to share my gifts and my own healing with the women going through the certification program.
Of course, I shared it with Larry when Amrita invited me to be on staff at the school. Larry responded calmly with “Let’s see what happens.” I felt disappointed because this is not what I wanted to hear. Instead of walking off in a huff and being angry with him, I simply asked him, “Could you please put aside for a moment your “Let’s see what happens” attitude and congratulate me and be happy for me?”
He quickly responded with a big smile, hug and congratulations. We both laughed and I felt heard and valued. I am learning to ask for what I want and need. I don’t always get it, but sometimes I do.
Is there such a thing as a “DIVINE PAUSE” button or have I made it up? Either way, it feels like it’s been God’s plan for me to be on DIVINE PAUSE for the last 8 months. The dictionary says pause means to “Interrupt action or speech briefly and a temporary stop or rest.”
If I believe my life is on “DIVINE PAUSE,” then I must trust everything is perfect and for my highest good. PAUSES are powerful, even though I may not like them and they feel like nothing is happening. I’ve asked God to run the show and get me out of the driver’s seat. Each morning, I connect with the divine Power within and turn my life and my will over to God. It’s called surrender.
As I reflect on the last 8 months after completing the Sacred Awakening & Healing 6- month training program and becoming a Licensed and Certified Spiritual Sexual Educator, I’ve asked myself, “What happened? Where did my passion go?” I was all ready to go and Spirit pushed, “PAUSE.” This is not what I wanted to hear and I struggled accepting it at first.
Instead of beating up on myself, thinking what’s wrong with me and feeling guilty that I didn’t know if I wanted to continue as a Spiritual Sexual Educator, I chose to TRUST MYSELF AND THE DIVINE PLAN and wait for guidance and direction.
I had to give myself permission to slow down and PAUSE, instead of staying busy and trying to make things happen. I pushed myself most of my life and my body was done with pushing. I had to go within through prayer and meditation and listen to my soul and what it wanted next.
My body was speaking and needed to rest and integrate all of the profound, deep healing that I experienced throughout the program.
When we are on DIVINE PAUSE, we may feel bored, unfulfilled, impatient, guilty, angry, frustrated and like we are not serving higher power and using our gifts. I struggled with this and wanted to push the PLAY button again and use my gifts for the highest good. It didn’t work!
I’m grateful that with the grace of God, I listened to my soul and rested and PAUSED. I became peaceful and surrendered, knowing God is in control and when the time was right, the PLAY button would be pushed again. During the DIVINE PAUSE, I went within to discover what I really wanted to do.
It is my joy and I LOVE working with women to help them love themselves and heal patterns of codependency. I’ve healed myself and know how to help women heal and recover. It is an honor and privilege to walk the sacred path of healing and transformation with women. Please contact me for a complimentary coaching session (on the phone) if you need help moving forward in your life.
Although I haven’t facilitated any Awakening and Healing workshops, I LOVE supporting the women in the sacred awakening community that I have been intimately involved with this past year.
I spoke with Amrita, the co-founder of the Sacred Awakening and Healing Mystery school and she’s invited me to teach a video class on codependency at the next certification training in November. Here is the link if you would like to check it out.
Not only will I be teaching a class at the training, Amrita is recommending me as a spiritual life coach for the women going through the program. Going through the program is intense and a deep dive into yourself. It will bring up issues and beliefs that no longer serve us.
It feels like the DIVINE PAUSE is now on DIVINE PLAY. I’m ready and willing to do your will, be the woman you created me to be and use my gifts for the greatest good of all.
Can you imagine the surprise of receiving a message on Facebook from my friend, Sharon, whom I graduated high school with 55 years ago? I haven’t seen or heard from her in all these years. OMG where does the time go?
Of course, memories of high school days danced through my head. I graduated from a class of 800 students and I was the captain of the cheerleaders, queen of the prom, president of my sorority and voted MOST POPULAR. I worked “very hard” at being POPULAR and it was exhausting!
I know today that I looked OUTSIDE to be validated, noticed, praised and loved. I had no idea how to love myself or that I “should” love myself. I beat up on myself and never felt good enough, no matter how many degrees I received. There was a HUGE hole inside of me that only God could fill. I tried to fill that hole by staying busy, rushing, working and being a people pleaser. On the outside, I looked great, but my outside didn’t match my inside. Can you relate?
Here is what my friend from high school wrote:
“I wanted to share how connected I feel to you. I too am a woman of faith and God has taken us on a similar journey. Although I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home, I married an alcoholic, who is now recovering and my daughter is an Addiction Therapist.
My faith was nonexistent until I found Alanon and learned to surrender. Once having taken that leap of faith, I too received many blessings. What I wanted to share with you is that I had become very complacent in my faith. I read your inspiring book and it put the fire under me again, so thank you. I will be going to our 55th high school reunion in October. I will be bringing 3 copies of your book to share with some of my closest friends. I know from your postings that you have found your soul mate and are living your dream. I am living my dream too and I thank you for reminding me of how awesome God is.”
As you can imagine, I was thrilled and grateful to receive her message and that she is bringing 3 of my books to the reunion. Holy Moly! I’m also grateful that I had the courage to say YES to God, face my fears and have my book published 10 years ago.
When I was in the middle of writing my book (that took 7 years to write), I had a dream. I went to bed hysterical crying and said to God, “I can’t write this book, no one will read it, I’m wasting my time, you have chosen the wrong person.” I was riddled with FEAR. Thank you, God, for not giving up on me, like I had given up on myself.
Here is my dream:
I was climbing up a staircase. When I got to the top of the stairs, there was a STAR. As I reached out to touch the STAR, I became the STAR. I received an affirmation, “I am a STAR that shines brightly to lead others to the God within.”
It truly is my passion and purpose to shine brightly to inspire others to know their Source as the divine presence of God within. I share my story every week, not for validation or to be admired or praised. I share my journey to encourage you so that you know you are not alone and that you can live your dream, as I am doing today.
My friends, I encourage you to face your fears, listen to the small, still voice of God and remember Spirit will never lead to something without equipping you for the task.” I am here to help you and show you how to live your dream.
Every week my prayer is that Spirit give me something inspirational to write about for my blog. Sometimes, it’s at the last minute when I get a message, but I have learned to wait because something always comes. God’s timing is perfect! God is faithful since I’ve been writing these weekly blogs for the last 10 years. I’m grateful and humbled that I’m the instrument He chooses to write through.
If it wasn’t for you reading the blogs and responding and sharing your experiences, I wouldn’t write. Thank you for encouraging me to keep sharing my love story and how God continues to “show up” to love, provide, guide and protect. You are not alone; we are all on this journey together and it is my joy and delight to share my sacred, personal experiences of God with you.
While I was taking my walk at sunset on the beach last night, I spotted an open house sign, as I walked past the house overlooking the ocean. I was curious and decided to take a quick look. I was honest and direct with the real estate agent, Lori. I wasn’t interested in buying the 12-million-dollar home, I just wanted to see what it looked like inside.
Lori and I started talking, which is not uncommon to do living on Maui. After the initial questions, “How long have you been living here, how did you get here, do you like it?” I shared our “love story” and how Larry and I met and are now married. She listened intently and I sensed that what I was saying resonated with her on a deep level. I shared about being single for 15 years after a 30-year marriage and how I learned to love myself during that time.
She shared her story, which had some similarities on how she came to Maui with her soulmate. She asked about my children and grandchildren ranging from 2 years old to 28 years old. I told her about my daughter, Mary, adopting my grandson, Herbie, and that he was in foster care before she adopted him.
She opened up and said, “I was in foster care and it was very painful being taken out of the house.” She started to cry, and said, “I never cry here.” I hugged her and assured her it was o.k. to cry for the pain still inside.
She shared, “I’m writing a book about my experiences in foster care and it’s called ‘Breath of Love.” It’s about overcoming fear and living in abundance. Of course, that brought the conversation to an even deeper level. I said, “I wrote a book called, “Simply a Woman of Faith” and it took me 7 years to write it because I was filled with fear and didn’t believe in myself. I shared a scripture with her: “Fear is useless, what is needed is TRUST.” I’m so grateful that I had the grace to face my fears and follow my heart to have my book published. I would not be living my dream and living on Maui in a beautiful home with my beloved.
I asked Lori, “What is keeping you from finishing your book?” She said, “I don’t know because most of it is already written.” I offered to help and support her because I know how important it is to be accountable to move through the levels of fear.
As we hugged and said goodbye to one another, she looked at me and said, “I have been here since 1:00 pm and there hasn’t been 1 person come to the open house. I was getting ready to close up when I heard God say, “Wait, don’t leave yet, someone is coming.” We both knew that someone was ME and it was a Divine Appointment.
I know the story isn’t over yet and Lori and I are meeting this week so I can give her a signed copy of “Simply a Woman of Faith.” I love how we are all connected.
As I look back on my life, I know that Spirit has guided me every step of the way, although it may not have felt that way when I was going through a difficult time.
Was it being in the right place at the right time? Was it through a closed door only to find out later it was for my highest good? Was it following my intuition? Was it giving a talk and a woman inviting me to come to Maui?
I often wonder, “How did I get here living on Maui?” I got here because I kept saying YES and trusting I was being guided. It was not easy leaving my family and friends and community 7 years ago to follow my heart and move to Maui.
I chose to TRUST myself and God that I would be provided for and kept safe. If I had not faced my fears and believed in myself, I would not be living my dream. I am so grateful for the grace and courage it took to step out in faith and follow my heart. How about you? Are you living your dream? Do you trust yourself that you are being guided?
One of the ways I am guided is through listening and trusting my feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. There were many years that I didn’t have a “feeling language” and didn’t know how or what I felt. I would ask others, “Would you feel this way if this happened to you?”
Today, I know what I’m feeling and am able to express my feelings in a healthy way. I pay attention to what I’m feeling and trust my feelings are there to guide me. If my feelings appear jumbled, I take the time to journal and go within to feel. It is my belief that I can’t heal what I can’t feel. I don’t allow myself to do a spiritual bypass because I don’t want to feel something.
Here is how I was guided this week.
I started to feel “uncomfortable” about a decision I made to do something a few weeks away. Even though I knew that I had a right to change my mind, I struggled and felt disappointed in myself that I didn’t want to do what I said I would do.
As I prayed about it, Spirit showed me that I was beating up on myself for changing my mind. Rather than trusting that perhaps I wasn’t meant to do this particular thing at this time, I judged myself and felt guilty. I asked myself, “Would you be compassionate and understanding to a friend who changed their mind?” Yes, of course, I would.
Here is the message I received from Spirit:
“Breathe, the truth is coming to the light. You are following your heart. You showed up and said yes. Nothing is lost. Can you trust that you are not meant to do this at this time? It doesn’t mean that you will never do it, but not now. Can you trust I’m leading you and you can trust your feelings? Give yourself a break. Love yourself. Be gentle and trust the process. I have your back. “
What is my truth?
*I can trust myself and my feelings. They are not right or wrong, they just are.
*I can trust God is guiding me.
*It’s ok to change my mind.
*I don’t need to beat up on myself, I need to accept and love myself.
*The will of God will never lead me where the GRACE of God will not protect me.
The good news is that I can change my mind over and over again and it’s all good. I’m not crazy or irrational, just following my heart.
What is your truth? Are you able to trust your feelings? Are you able to change your mind with peace, ease and grace or do you beat up on yourself for changing your mind?”
Whenever I meet a new person on Maui, the conversation goes like this, “Where did you come from, how long have you been here and what brought you here?” I always answer, “I followed my heart and I knew I was going to meet my soulmate.” There was an “inner knowing” that meeting my soulmate was part of God’s plan for my life and, by the grace of God, I was willing to do whatever I needed to do.
What does it mean to follow my heart? I was guided to follow my heart through Prayer, meditation, discernment, courage, patience, trusting in myself, letting go of fear and what other people thought and a willingness to step out in faith, trusting that the door would be closed or opened at the right and perfect time. It’s called FAITH and it works!
Many of you have been following our “love story” and how Larry and I met 7 1/2 years ago and then became husband and wife 2 years ago. But some of you who are new to reading the blogs don’t know the story and I’m being guided to share it with you to encourage you to follow your heart and trust in the desires of your heart, which I believe were placed in your heart by God.
I had been living on Maui for about a month when I attended a dance at the Senior Center with Pat and Ellen. I spotted Larry right away because I liked how he danced and he was nice looking. I mustered up the courage and asked him to dance. There were always more women so if I wanted to dance, I had to ask the man to dance. I danced with Larry once that night.
He was from Connecticut and had been living on Maui for 6 years. It was nice that we had the east coast connection in common. I attended weekly dances at the MAC and always asked Larry for a dance. There were many single women who wanted to dance and Larry danced with as many women as he could.
I liked Larry, but wasn’t attracted to him romantically. I will never forget at the end of a dance one night, he said something about LOVE. My ears perked up and I wanted to find out more about him. It was important for me to meet a man who danced and was spiritual.
When I moved closer to where Larry lived, he asked me if I would like to go for a walk and I said, “YES.” Although it took 2 years for my eyes to be opened, the rest is history.
Larry and I supported one another and became best friends quickly. We went out to lunch, talked every night on the phone and said, “I love you” before hanging up.
My children knew when I moved to Maui that it was my intention to meet my soulmate. I talked about Larry a lot and what good friends we were. My daughter would say, “Mom, what’s wrong with Larry, you are always talking about him?”
I answered, “We are best friends, but I’m not attracted to him physically.” You can’t make that happen. It’s there or it’s not. Larry had accepted that I just wanted friendship.
It is my belief that God’s timing is PERFECT- never early or late, but right on time. Although I sometimes was impatient, grumbled and wondered what was wrong with me when I saw other women getting into relationships, I trusted Spirit and WAITED, prayed, surrendered and let go.
I was single for 15 years before my eyes were opened and realized my soulmate, Larry, was right in front of me. We both needed to do inner work before we were ready to become united as a couple in body, mind and spirit.
I’m so grateful that I had the grace to follow my heart and trust in God’s perfect timing. I had my first dance on Maui with Larry and here I am 7 ½ years later dancing through my life with him. God is good.
When I worked as a therapist at the VA 20 years ago, I facilitated an interpersonal skills group which focused on assertiveness, setting boundaries, asking for what you wanted and saying no. We teach what we need to learn and I learned and practiced those skills well.
The pendulum often swings to the other side when we are learning a new skill. I spoke up about everything and confronted when I needed to. Family members weren’t happy with me and it took time for them to get the picture I was no longer passive and a doormat. The truth is I was teaching them how to speak up for themselves and to set boundaries.
It was empowering as I was standing in my power when I asked for what I wanted and said no when I wanted to. I didn’t always get what I wanted, but I got it some of the time. Being assertive was new for me as I grew up being passive and didn’t speak up until I really got angry. Then I blew up and looked like the crazy one. Of course, balance is the key in life. To know when to speak up and when to shut up.
As I sat on my lanai to pray and meditate as I do every day, I looked up in the sky and saw a beautiful white heron flying over me. As the bird flew higher and higher, I prayed “Take me as high as you want me to go Spirit.” I then noticed the bird stopped flapping its wings and just GLIDED through the air. It was glorious and the bird seemed to enjoy the wind carrying it through the air.
This spoke to my heart as I realized this is where I’m at; my wings have brought me here to this place in time as I have followed my heart and inner guidance. Now it was time for me to GLIDE.
Something inside of me was stirring so I decided to look up GLIDING in the dictionary. It said, “To move smoothly and continually along, as if WITHOUT EFFORT OR RESISTANCE.” The symbolic meaning of birds is FREEDOM because they have wings and they can go anywhere they want.
Like many of us, I have been flapping my wings for a very long time. I did a lot of traveling and “flapping” my wings this year; Rhode Island, N. Carolina, California, Costa Rica and back to N. Carolina. Flapping my wings reminds me of our masculine energy. Gliding through the air reminds me of our feminine energy.
MASCULINE ENERGY looks like:
*Pushing and making things happen
*Assertiveness-speaking up, setting boundaries, saying no
FEMININE ENERGY looks like:
*Accepting “what is”
*Detached from outcomes
*Listening to our intuition
*Living in the moment
Again, we need balance to know when to DO and take action, achieve, speak up and bring our dreams into the world and when to BE, wait, surrender, trust, allow, accept and GLIDE.
If your goal is a destination, think of the feminine as a map, and the masculine as a car. You need both to get to where you want to go.
At this moment in my life, I am like the bird GLIDING through the air, knowing I am supported by God and everything is perfect. I am moving smoothly and continually along, as if WITHOUT EFFORT OR RESISTANCE. Like the bird, I am free to go wherever I want to and whenever I want. It is very peaceful and serene.
How about you? Are you in balance with your masculine and feminine energies? What energy in your life do you need to learn and practice?
Have you ever told yourself a “story” and then later found out that it wasn’t true? You made it up in your mind and really believed it. It may be “He/she is really going to be angry with me or what kind of friend am I or he doesn’t love me.” It is amazing the stories we can make up in our minds. Can you relate?
I am a “recovering people pleaser” also known as a codependent. I sometimes still get triggered, but can usually catch it quickly, and for this I am grateful. Similar to a recovering alcoholic who hasn’t drank in years, he may be in a situation where he is tempted to pick up a drink. I was tempted to pick up an old behavior.
People pleasing was a way of life for me for many years. I put others’ needs before my own at the expense of myself because I thought that was being loving. I was taught that putting my needs first was selfish. I know today that I had it backwards. How could I love another when I didn’t love myself?
I remember years ago when I went out to lunch with a friend it would go something like this. “Where do you want to go for lunch? I don’t care, where do you want to go for lunch?” I may not have even known what I wanted so it was easier to just defer to what they wanted. It was also uncomfortable to have anyone angry at me so I would just go along with what they wanted.
I was given an opportunity this week to see my “story” and choose not to people please, and to put my wants/needs first. My friend and I had made plans to go out for the day, but hadn’t set the time. I wanted to leave at a certain time and she wanted to do something different. Neither was right or wrong, just different preferences. I texted her before I went to bed and said, “Since we are on a different timetable and I don’t want you to feel rushed, why don’t we drive our own cars and meet up when we get there.”
When I woke up the next morning, my “story” started to unfold quite loudly. It was like this inner bully saying, “She’s going to be angry with you that you suggested we take our own cars, what kind of friend are you that you had to leave at that time?” I felt guilty and wrong.
The old people pleasing behaviors were kicking in. Her needs were more important than mine. Feeling guilty is a red flag for me that I am not aligned with Spirit. I was able to recognize old behaviors, change the” story” and tell myself the truth. I hadn’t done anything wrong by speaking up for myself and stating what I wanted to do. After I processed it, I felt relieved, peaceful and back in my power.
What I have learned is that my needs are important and that it is self-care, not selfish. Of course, there are times when I CHOOSE to put another’s needs before my own. The difference is that it is a CHOICE and not out of guilt.
Where I looked “outside” for others to love and approve of me, I now go “inside” and give myself the love, approval and appreciation I deserve.
When I opened her text in the morning and got her message, I laughed at myself for my “story” that she would be angry at me. She responded to my suggestion of taking our own cars with “PERFECT.”
Thank you Spirit for the opportunity to see my growth and to see my “story” that wasn’t true. There is an even deeper “story” that many of us tell ourselves and that is that we are separate from God and we are alone. The truth is we are all connected and we are all ONE.
What is your “story” and is it time to change it?
Thank you for reading my blogs and encouraging me to continue to share my life journey with you. It is my desire to inspire you so that you know you are not alone and that we are all CONNECTED.
It’s hard to believe that I started writing my blogs 12 years ago in 2007. So much has changed and continues to change in my life; like writing a book, moving to Maui, getting married, living on the ocean and finding my soul calling at this later stage of my life.
I’ve been sharing my journey with you as honestly as I could with the ups and downs as I’ve grown and navigated my spiritual life. I’ve been vulnerable and It hasn’t always been easy, but I continue to go deeper to release and let go of what no longer serves me. What I know for certain is that there is a PLAN and I am never alone and neither are you.
Although this is my deepest truth and knowing that God has a plan, a purpose and a gift for everything that happens in my life, sometimes I FORGET, especially if I’m going through something painful and it doesn’t make sense. My ego is relentless and vicious as I go deeper with Spirit and FORGET that there is only LOVE and that we are all CONNECTED.
This past month has been a struggle for me and it felt like a “dark night of the soul.” It came on suddenly as I was triggered and felt anxious, sad, disappointed, fearful, confused and didn’t feel safe. I didn’t run from it, but instead allowed myself to feel it all as I tried to make meaning out of what was going on. After praying about it and seeking guidance, it became clear to me that it was childhood memories that I needed to release and heal. It felt like the veil was lifted as I experienced what it was truly like growing up in my childhood home.
Thomas Moore writes, “A dark night of the soul is a kind of initiation, taking you from one phase of life into another. You may have several dark nights in the course of your life because you are always becoming more of a person and entering life more. The first step is to embrace the darkness, take it to heart, winnow out any subtle innuendos of resistance. You will awaken into something deeper. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died—only an illusory identity. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.”
I picked a Goddess card called Crone of Seas-Resurrection
“She rises from the ocean depths reborn through the dark night of the soul. She embodies heart transformation and resurrection from death into new form. She is renewed and resurrected through massive emotional change. She appears during powerful times of release and shifts in life.”
My daughter, Mary, was present during my “dark night of the soul.” She loved and supported me through it all. When she left, she gave me a beautiful card and wrote, “I am so proud to see you work through your past and learn and grow. This is the best gift you could have ever given to me. You are an amazing example of perseverance, love, patience and joy.” Her words of affirmation will remain deep in my heart forever. The greatest gift we can ever give our children is to work through our past and release what no longer serves us.
A couple of days ago, I received a card from a friend with a bookmark that read “I know the PLANS I have for you, declares the Lord.” God has a plan for you and it is always good. TRUST and RELAX as it unfolds in the perfect and right way.
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Simply A Woman of Faith
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