Browsing all articles tagged with perfectionism

I almost self-sabotaged my relationship

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At times, we are our own worst enemies.  Our critical “inner voice” is formed from our early life experiences. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development.  Once we know where our self sabotaging thoughts come from, we can start to differentiate the negative identity we have cast upon ourselves. We can familiarize ourselves with our critical “inner voice” and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process. As we do this, we can start to recognize ways we act that we don’t like or respect. It is like being a detective to recognize my “inner critic” and it takes diligence and commitment to change it.

I have been on the journey of loving myself and self- care for many years and that includes changing my critical “inner voice.”  I am learning to love & trust myself more deeply as I trust the process and live in the moment.  I experience peace when I follow my intuition and know what I want.

Through a series of events, I realized how I unconsciously self-sabotage myself. Self-sabotaging behaviors are often hidden from our everyday thoughts.  I know that when starting something new, a part of us is going to resist the change and fear may come up.  That could be a new job, a new relationship, a move, a birth, a new career. It takes courage to do something you haven’t done before and often doubts will arise.

This week I bumped into old behaviors that reared their ugly head.  The good news is that I recognized the behaviors and therefore had a choice as to what I wanted to do to change them. Being in a new relationship with Larry is wonderful and I am so grateful that he is in my life, but intimacy with a partner heals us by bringing up old unconscious pain to the surface so it can be resolved and released. Closeness with another brings up  our fears of abandonment and rejection, and their close relatives on the other side of the pendulum, fears of entrapment and commitment.  Intimacy means in-to-me-see.

Both are two sides of the same coin. They are fear of losing love, and fear of losing self.
These fears come up in all intimate relationships to be dealt with and healed. They are behind all behaviors of clinging, distancing, controlling, protecting, numbing out, aggression, passive-aggression, and extreme, fear-based independence.

The important thing is to be able to recognize our fears and behaviors and not block God’s  flow of good into your life.  I put my book “to bed” and didn’t look at it for one year because I was afraid to move forward. I didn’t identify it as fear at the time and said to myself, “I just don’t want to do it.”

But the truth is I was filled with fear, but not ready to admit it and face it.  If I hadn’t faced my fear and written my book, I would not be enjoying the life I have now. Today, when fears or doubts arise, I pray and affirm my faith in God’s healing power.

Here is how I unconsciously almost sabotaged my relationship with Larry this week. I had to “check out” things a few times that I was imagining in my head and found out that I was making up stories that weren’t true.  I stress myself out needlessly because of the unconscious fear of losing him.  Our relationship is so good that “It’s too good to be true” may have been playing in the background.  I have changed that to “It’s good and it’s true.” Because of this fear, I found myself distancing from him in small ways. If I push him away, I can’t be hurt as I have been in the past.

What has also come to the light is how I sabotage myself by wanting to do things perfectly and put pressure on myself to know something before I have even been taught. Sometimes my expectations of myself are unrealistic.  When I am stressed and put pressure on myself, I am my own worst enemy.  I wrote this in my journal this week.  No more pressure, only pleasure.

Along with the perfectionism was the need to rush and have it all NOW rather than be patient and trust the process.  The old behavior of trying so hard to make it right and control things were evident in my life.  Can you relate?

The way out of this is through it. I first became aware of my feelings and behaviors and how I was sabotaging myself because of fear.  I wanted things to be perfect and was rushing to have it all NOW.  As I worked through it and was able to see the truth, I was able to share honesty with Larry about my experience. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and faced my fears. I now understand that patience and trust in God are important ingredients on the road to intimacy and healing.



I received a surprise phone call from my 2 sons

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I had a very exciting week last week.  I moved into my new home and it is like “Heaven on earth.”  I am still walking around in a daze and in complete awe of what God has brought into my life.  I have a poster on my wall that says BELIEVE & RECEIVE.  I asked for what I wanted, I saw it in my mind’s eye, felt what it would be like to be living here and let go and trusted that if it was meant to be, it would be.  IT WAS MEANT TO BE.

I had a surprise phone call from my oldest son, Brian, on Sunday. Half-way through the conversation he said, “Mom, you are going to be a grandmother.”  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and screamed, “Are you kidding me?” I was driving and could hardly contain my excitement and shock.  My new grandchild is due in September.  If that shock wasn’t enough, the next night I received a call from my youngest son, Jimmy, and his wife, Lara. Early in the conversation he said, “Mom, you are going to be a grandmother.”  At first, I didn’t know if he was talking about Brian or himself. But I quickly realized he was telling me that he was going to be a father and they were due in November. I will be home for Christmas and can’t wait to hold two new grand-babies in my arms.

Last week, I said to my friend, Larry, “It is my goal to be the happiest and most peaceful person I know.”  I do admit that is a pretty lofty goal, but if I practice everything I’ve learned over the years, it is attainable. I know that I am responsible for the “pace and peace” I bring to each moment and I can be as happy as I want and choose to be.  Isn’t that awesome to know that it is our choice and it is within our power on a daily basis to choose peace and happiness.

In order to achieve this goal, I need to be constantly vigilant about what I am thinking and feeling. I may have to change my thinking if I get off track and lose my peace. I have little reminders all around my house to RELAX and to remind myself that everything is in perfect and divine order and that all of my needs are being taken care of.

I have a sticker on my computer that says, “PEACEAHOLIC.”  It is a daily reminder of what I want to create in my life. Our deepest and constant need is for peace.  We all are searching for peace because our minds are often like blenders going round and round with worry, doubts and fears.  We often want to control, especially if we have come from dysfunctional families where there was chaos all around us growing up. For me, “Letting go and letting God” is often about letting go of control.

I am a “Recovering RUSHAHOLIC.” Can you relate?  I didn’t know any other way but to push and rush and stay busy. The alcoholic medicates their feelings by drinking or drugging. One of the ways I medicated my feelings was by rushing, pushing and trying to make things happen. Not only was it insane, but it was exhausting and it didn’t work.

This addictive behavior kept me away from myself and the pain that was within for many years.  All addictions (work, gambling, internet, sugar, shopping, sex, religion, overachieving, perfectionism, alcohol, drugs, codependency) keep us away from ourselves and consequently, from the God within.

I have learned that God meets me in the stillness of my soul where I hear that small, still voice within.  Stillness of soul is rare in this world addicted to speed and noise. For me, it is showing up every day and having a spiritual practice. There are many paths and finding the right one is important for spiritual growth.  For any relationship to grow and be nurtured, spending quality time is essential and it is the same with Spirit. If I want to be peaceful and happy, going within to pray and meditate is where it is at for me.

Today, I practice an attitude of ALLOWING things (and what I am to do next) to come to me for I know what is mine will come in the perfect and right time and with peace, ease and grace.  It could be a new client, a new relationship, money, friends, etc.  I allow myself to receive love and abundance; however that shows up on a daily basis. I notice and appreciate all the good that comes into my life. I “show up” daily and trust my intuition to do the next right thing.

I live in an attitude of GRATITUDE, TRUST and expectant FAITH for God’s perfect divine plan to unfold in God’s timing.  This is how I experience peace in my daily life.

If I can help you let go of an addiction, find peace in your life, stop pushing and trying to make things happen, deepen your faith in God and the divine plan for your life, please call me@ 401-862-8859401-862-8859 for a complimentary 30-minute coaching session.  It would be my pleasure and delight to speak with you.


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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

Simply A Woman of Faith
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