I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn’t know why

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May
21

I needed a “Pat Day” and time to be alone to “go within” to meditate and pray. I drove to the ocean and parked my car along the road.  I sat on the rocks and allowed the sound of the ocean waves to wash over me. I could feel the tears bubbling up and wasn’t even sure why I was crying. When I finished meditating, I prayed and asked God for clarity and truth about what was coming up and what I needed to release or change. I asked myself, “Was the pain about the present or something from my past?” Pain is an indication (especially emotional pain) that something needs my attention.

As I’ve shared in past blogs, being in a relationship is great (and I wouldn’t trade it for anything), but it does bring up my “stuff” and where I need to change and grow. It not only brings up my “stuff” that needs changing, it brings up how I’ve grown and changed. I like this much better.

Today I’m celebrating my growth and the courage to “go within.” I am committed to my spiritual journey and allowing whatever needs to come up to come up to be transformed. I no longer medicate my feelings, but allow myself to feel everything. I know to feel is to deal and to heal; and feelings are a gift from God.

Writing is one of the spiritual tools I use to help me get clear on what’s going on in my life. I just keep writing and writing until I get clarity and get to the bottom of my pain.  Before I started to journal, I was able to identify some positive behaviors that I have changed over the years.

Spirit brought to mind an experience that I had with one of my sons about 10 years ago. I confronted him and shared my feelings about something he had done that hurt me.  Clearly he didn’t hear me and no matter how I tried to explain it, he wasn’t buying it.  I was frustrated because it was important for me to know he heard me (and change his behavior). After going around and around and trying every communication technique I knew, I finally got it and the light bulb went off. I was trying to control him  and trying to make him see it my way. When this realization came to the light, I apologized for my controlling behaviors, of wanting to be right and was able to let it go!

Here is what happened and where my growth was: I confronted Larry about something that happened the night before when we had company. He listened, but didn’t have the same perspective that I had. In fact, it was just the opposite. The good news is that I didn’t argue with him, try to control him and get him to see it my way. I trusted my perception and didn’t have to make Larry wrong and me right. This was definitely growth. I knew it wasn’t resolved yet and we needed further discussion, but that would be after my time alone with God.

In past relationships, it may have taken me a week or a month or a year to share my feelings. Because I was afraid to share my feelings, resentment would build up and it would often come out sideways. I also would tend to minimize or deny things because I didn’t want to rock the boat. There were times that I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I often asked friends, “Would you feel this way if this happened to you?”

The growth for me is that I trusted myself, my feelings, Larry and the strength of our relationship to be honest and share my perception, even though it was different from his.

After Larry and I discussed the previous evening, I knew I needed to spend time alone with me. We had lunch plans with a friend. In the past (because of my people pleasing tendencies), I would have pushed myself to go to lunch because I thought someone else’s needs were more important than mine. I had to make a choice to love me and take care of my needs or to be there for another person. I chose to love me. I have learned the importance of loving myself first and filling up my tank before I can truly love another.

I spent 3 hours praying, writing and asking for clarity. I know my answers are within and if I ask, I will receive. What was revealed to me is that I am responsible:

•  For myself, my perceptions and my feelings
•  To give myself the attention and time that I need when I need it
•  To communicate what I want and don’t want
•  To set boundaries about what I will and won’t do
•  To change what I can change
•  To follow my heart, trust myself and change my mind when I want to

When I returned home, I shared with Larry all that happened in my prayer and meditation. I was clear, straight forward and non-judgmental. We had a great conversation and I felt loved and heard. Thank you God for answering my prayer for clarity & truth. Thank you for my awakening and the gifts that await me daily.

Alan Cohen writes, “When something painful happens, it isn’t the end of the story. It’s simply another chapter in the book. Hang in there until the end of the tale and you’ll find value and meaning in everything that happened and you’ll recognize its role in your awakening. A setback is really a setup and behind every tragedy awaits a gift. If you open it, it will be revealed.”