It felt like I was DERAILED

I wrote in my journal during my morning meditation, “It feels like I’ve been derailed.” Since I had never felt or written that, I asked SIRI on my phone, “What does it mean to be derailed?” She said, “A train accidentally leaves the tracks by diverting from the intended course.”

In life, the intended course is to stay on track with Spirit. To stay on track, I PRACTICE:

·        Living in the present moment.

·        It’s knowing all is well and that I am guided, protected, and provided for.

·        It’s knowing that I have everything inside of me, rather than looking outside to someone or something for my answers.

·        It’s knowing that I’m never given anything I can’t handle and that I’m not ready for.

·        It’s knowing that I’m always at the right place at the right time and that my life is unfolding as it is meant to.

I asked myself, “How did I get derailed and off track from the intended course of Love, Light, and Peace and how do I know when I’ve been derailed?”

I know I’ve been derailed when I lose my peace and give my power away. I’ve been derailed when I worry, obsess, am fearful, and my mind is like a runaway train.

Spirit showed me that I get derailed when I “future trip” and live in the “WHAT IFs” rather than “WHAT IS.” “Future tripping” is dangerous because it hasn’t happened and probably won’t happen. We tell ourselves a STORY about what could happen, and then we panic.

Maui has a housing shortage and some landlords are charging ridiculously high rents to tenants. Tenants often only get 30 days’ notice to find a new home. It’s really scary as people are scrambling to find housing.

I got derailed quickly and was on a roll when I allowed my mind to be like a runaway train. “WHAT IF” we have to move? Where would we go? “WHAT IF” he raises the rent and we can’t afford it? “WHAT IF” we have to move back to the east coast? “WHAT IF” I get sick or Larry gets sick, who will help us?”

The truth is that we have lived in our home for 9 years and the “WHAT IS” is that our landlord hasn’t raised the rent in all that time. We appreciate and feel grateful for his kindness. I remind myself that She knows the plan and I am safe.

When we live and dwell in the past with our mistakes, or we future trip about what may or may not happen, we are not living in the present moment where there is peace and love. 90% of our suffering is in our minds and comes from negative thinking.  When I’m not conscious and vigilant with my thinking and my words, I will accidentally leave the track of the intended course. When I let go of thoughts that don’t serve me, it sparks more possibilities to show up in my life. It gives me mental space to be who I really am and accomplish tasks I never thought possible.

I listened to a podcast from Dr. Joe Dispenza this week. He said, “The deadliest words that block the law of attraction and manifestation are: I hope, I need, and I can’t.

Rather than saying, I hope – say I KNOW. Rather than saying, I need – say I HAVE. Rather than saying I can’t say – I CAN. It has been empowering as I catch myself saying I hope this happens, rather than saying I know this will happen.  

Here is how I practice staying on track and keeping myself in peace.

·        Prayer and meditation daily

·        Journal and read spiritual material

·        Ask for a message from Spirit, listen and act

·        Take responsibility for myself by giving myself what I need

·        Allowing myself to feel all of my feelings

·        Detach when I need to

·        Send out peace and love to family, friends, and the world

I “show up” every day and “check-in” to see if I’m aligned with Spirit. I’m aligned with Spirit when I feel peaceful, happy, content, and loving no matter what is happening in the outside world. I don’t do it perfectly and sometimes it’s harder than others, but I don’t give up. I KNOW the intended course is Love, Light, Joy, and Peace. It is our birthright. 

Importance of living in the present moment

It is my belief that living in the present moment is key to my peace of mind and spiritual health. Sometimes my mind is like a blender, jumping into the past or into the future. We are in trouble when we are in the “What ifs.”
For example: WHAT IF: I run out of money; I don’t have enough energy to do what I want to do; I don’t meet my soulmate; I don’t get clients; my health declines; I don’t have a place to live; I make a mistake; I lose my job; my business fails or my marriage fails. The list goes on and on. What are the “What ifs” in your life?

The key for me is to become AWARE when I’m NOT living in the present moment. I may notice tension in my body, irritability or fear in my gut. I lose my peace when I’m trying to figure things out, want to be right or trying to control an outcome or a person, place or thing.

It’s easy and common to lose our peace when we are in the “hallway” and don’t know the future and how things are going to work out, whether that be in business, health, financial or relationships. It’s in these “hallway” experiences (and I have had a lot of them) that my faith muscles grow stronger.

I am given the opportunity to trust and surrender to “what is.” I can CHOOSE to *complain, *bang on the door, *cry, * plead or I can CHOOSE to wait patiently for the next door to open or for guidance on what I am to do or know next. I can CHOOSE to trust God’s perfect timing. It is always my CHOICE!

I’ve had some health challenges (opportunities) for the past couple of months that have been scary, confusing and frustrating. Sometimes, it feels like I’m going down a rabbit’s hole trying to figure out what’s wrong and what to do next. I read one book and it says to do this to heal my body and another book says to do the direct opposite. I will continue to pursue my healing, knowing Spirit is guiding me. Who do I listen to?
• I’m listening to my body and what it needs and doesn’t need.

• I’m allowing myself to feel all of my feelings including frustration, anger, fear, disappointment, sadness.
• I’m CHOOSING LOVE.
• I’m staying positive and grateful for what I have and not what’s missing.
• I’m trusting Spirit to show me the next right step.
• I know that EVERYTHING has a purpose and is for my highest good.
• I’m practicing living in the moment because that is all there is and that is where God is.
• I’m trusting my intuition.
• I’m praying, meditating, being patient, letting go and surrendering.

Instead of all the “What ifs” which is often motivated by fear about the past or future, I am living in the present moment and “ACTING AS IF.” Acting as if means that if I want something, I must act as if I already have it in order to get it.

If I want to be healthy, I must act as if I am already healthy. If I want new friends, I must act as if I already have friends. If I want more money, I must act as if I have money, rather than come from a place of lack. The key is a willingness to look BEYOND my current reality, knowing that it can and will change.

I am healthy and whole, I am guided, I am protected, I am loved. My affirmation is: “Everything is flowing with peace, ease and grace and I have all the energy I need to do what I want to do.”

“My shit is coming up and I hate it”

When an artist sits down to paint, she doesn’t know what will come out on the paper.  She may have some ideas, but she doesn’t know what the finished product will look like. When I sit down to write, I also don’t know what the finished product will look like. I am trusting that what I share with you today will inspire you to go deeper and give you the courage to love the parts of yourself that are hidden and perhaps, hated.

My “plan” was to write about my adventures of camping for the first time on Labor Day weekend.  I may still do that, but God had other “plans” for me to write about, first.  It would be easier to share the camping adventures, but I don’t think that is what I am meant to do.

I had forgotten that whenever I am preparing to lead a retreat, my “stuff” comes up.  My friend, Kati, and I are leading a retreat called, “Fall in love with Your Inner Goddess ” in 2 weeks.  I called her in tears yesterday and said, “I am a mess and my shit is coming up.”  I was half-hoping that she wouldn’t answer her phone and I could leave a message and ask her to pray for me.  She lovingly said, “What’s going on and I know there will be gifts from this.” I said, “This sucks” as the tears continued to roll down my cheeks.  The intensity of my feelings surprised me as I blurted out, “I HATE THIS PART OF ME. I don’t want to love this part of me. I won’t love it because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am still struggling with this.”

I babbled on about how I was struggling with comparing myself to others and looking outside for validation. I was angry at myself because I thought I had dealt with this “stuff” a long time ago. I asked myself, “Why is it coming up now and why do I still look outside for validation – for someone to tell me how great or gifted I am?”  I know that looking outside of myself for validation is empty and nothing but an illusion. It is self-love that I need.

In fact, I had just said to someone a couple of days ago how I used to struggle with comparing myself with others and that if I become aware that I am feeling “less than” and comparing myself, I sing out loud, to myself “STOP IN THE NAME OF GOD.”   It always works.

Somehow my “Higher Self” knew that singing this time wasn’t going to work and that I needed to really allow myself the time and space to explore and go deeper.  I am all for changing my thoughts to feel better, but sometimes what is needed is to sit with my feelings and allow them to move through me.  I spent time alone in prayer and meditation and loved myself the best way I knew how. I hugged myself, took naps and did breathing exercises to help release emotions that were hidden.

The first step in loving me was to be honest and vulnerable enough to call Kati and ask for help.  It’s easy to share with someone, after the struggle is over, how I got through it. It is harder when I am IN MY STUFF and feel out of control and afraid. I didn’t know until that moment that I HATED this part of me. I knew I wasn’t pleased with myself when I compared myself to another, but I didn’t know there was HATRED there. 

I am reading a book called, “The Power if Receiving” by Amanda Owen.  In her book she talks about the importance of loving the light and the dark parts of ourselves so we can be whole and integrated. She has an exercise called the “Monster Party.”  We have a party in our imagination and invite all of our friends to attend. We then invite our “inner monsters” one by one to come out into the light to be transformed and healed.  I had a “Monster Party” and invited comparing and looking outside for validation to come out of hiding. It was time to love that part of me that was hidden and in the dark. She didn’t trust me at first and felt a lot of shame. It was very powerful to see the transformation as she reluctantly came out of the dark dungeon within me.  I said to her, “Let me lead you and hold your hand. I want you to meet my friends and family. You have been hiding too long and I want you to feel my love and the light of God.” As she came out and stood up straight, I saw the beauty in her eyes and she was happy that she was now free.

As I shared in the beginning, Kati said, “There will be gifts for you through this experience” and she was right. I believe that the deep shame that was hidden in my subconscious mind was brought into the light and healed. When I hate a part of myself and it stays hidden in the recesses of my mind, I am not free to move forward and be the woman I want to be. I need to have love and compassion on myself for the wounded parts of me that still need healing. This will be a lifelong process.

The tears and my desire to love all of me allowed this to come up and be transformed by the light of Spirit. I will no longer need to compare myself because I can now see my beauty and my gifts. I will celebrate others gifts because I can now celebrate my own. 

I asked God for a dream to comfort me when I went to bed last night. It had been quite a while since I remembered a dream and I really needed one after all that I experienced during the day.  I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to write down the dream.

The dream was very powerful as I was climbing a mountain and reached the top. In my dreams, this means that I am moving closer to God, spiritual attainment and overcoming obstacles.  My grandmother, who loved me unconditionally, and ironically today was her birthday came to me in my dream. It had been years since I had a dream about her. I also realized that today is my anniversary of moving to Maui. My grandmother helped me move into my new home that had just been built. Moving to a new home in dreams is significant because it means I am moving out of the old and moving into a new state of consciousness.  The symbolism in the dream could not have been any more perfect. 

By allowing the process of going deeper into my soul and the subconscious, I was able to bring to the light what I hated in myself and had not been able to accept.  It was like it was buried alive. God lifted me up and I experienced God’s love and light in a new way. It feels like the deeper I go, the higher I go with God. The dream about climbing the mountain was certainly a confirmation to this. I have read from the spiritual masters that the DEEPER we go with God, the more we will see our darkness that needs to be healed, transformed and brought into the light. I am grateful that I am on the right path and going DEEPER with God.  Rather than feeling like we are going backwards, the truth is that we are moving forward so that our light will shine even more brightly.

Is there something that you don’t love about yourself or haven’t accepted? I invite you to go deeper into your soul and allow Spirit to bring those parts of yourself into the light so you can be transformed. Have a Monster Party and let it all hang out!