Letting go of my addiction to control

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Oct
24

God certainly knows how to get my attention, especially when I am not aligned with Spirit and fear is present. For example, when I woke up this morning, I felt fear in the pit of my stomach. It really surprised me because as I had shared in last week’s blog, our cruise was magnificent as I EXPANDED my heart to receive more of God’s love. My relationship with Larry had deepened and EXPANDED and our love for one another was stronger than ever. I asked myself, “Why would I be feeling fear now and where is it coming from?” I said a prayer and asked for help. I was determined to not let fear rob me of my joy like I did for so many years and the love that was being offered to me through Larry.

 
A couple of minutes later when I was about to check my emails, the thought popped into my head that I would love to receive a response from Karen about last week’s blog post “Walls come crashing down.” Karen lives on the East Coast and Karen has never responded to one of our blogs, nor have I had any communication with her in a few years. I had no idea why she popped into my head (other than Spirit answering my prayer and wanting me to pay attention).

 
I was shocked when I saw Karen’s name in my email box a couple of minutes later. I opened her email and it read “Pat this is beautiful and I am so happy to read about your journey of love. I especially love this part: “I heard the still, small voice of God say to me, “You just have to BE and let go of wanting to control the process and knowing what will happen next. You have surrendered your life to me so now you can sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Smile because Love is all there is and you are safe.”

 
Since this was in my face, I clearly needed to be reminded of the message Spirit gave me last week. “You need to let go of wanting to control the process and what will happen next.” The fear that I experienced when I woke up was about wanting to be in control. One of the big hurdles in life is when we are stepping into the unknown and not knowing what’s next. We are invited to take a leap of faith and trust.

 
Author Kute Blackson writes, “The root of misery is control. Control is the master addiction, the hardest one to give up. Control is an illusion, as there is so much in life that we cannot control. When you try to control what you cannot, then suffering is your guaranteed result.”

 
EXPANSION is about being in the flow and surrendering. Control is about constriction and contraction. I wrote in the blog last week that I was sure that my EXPANSION would be fun and maybe scary. Last week was fun, now the scary part was here and I needed to embrace and love the fearful part of me too. I also knew that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

 
I was willing to do whatever I needed to do and use all the tools I had to move through this and not put up my walls again. I didn’t eat over it or stay busy over the fear, but instead allowed myself to go into the pain and feel it all. I breathed through it and allowed what needed to come to come up.

I  spent the day in prayer and reflection uncovering and releasing beliefs that no longer served me. I recently read that 95% of our beliefs are in our subconscious and we are only conscious of 5% of our beliefs. Because of my history of sexual abuse starting at 10 years old with several abusers, I really needed to be still and listen to what my body needed next. As a young girl, I was robbed of my innocence and was now reclaiming it. Through the grace of God, I knew I was EXPANDING into the woman I was created to be and that I wanted to be.

 
It has been my experience that when we are close to a break-through or about to manifest something big in our lives, our fears will come up and sometimes with a vengeance. It means we are getting closer to what we really want. We cannot give up before the miracle and I wasn’t willing to give up before the miracle.

 
I asked Spirit what I needed to do and here is what I heard, “Keep doing what you are doing by acknowledging your fear, sharing it with Larry and letting it go. By sharing it with Larry you are bringing it to the light to be healed and transformed. You are being held and healed. Just like a mother holds her baby tenderly and lovingly and assures it that it is safe, you are doing that for your wounded child inside of you. Larry is my gift to you for your expansion and healing and you are a gift for his healing.”

 
Right before I was to send this out, I received this in my email box from Abraham:

 
“The hypocrisy around the subject of sexuality is huge. Early on, there were others who were a lot more interested in you satisfying what made them feel good than in satisfying what made you feel good. There were so many things that you felt inclined to go this way, that you were forced to go that way, that at an early age, you made a conscious decision that if it felt good, it was wrong. And if it felt wrong, it was probably right.”

 
Today, I am surrendering and letting go of my addiction to control. I am sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the ride. I am smiling because Love is all there is and I am safe.

 
“Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don’t know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough. Some of my richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith-not by sight.” Jesus Calling

 
How about you? Are you willing to surrender and walk by faith to receive the gifts that are waiting for you? Don’t let fear rob you and don’t give up before the miracle.

My “Maui Cruiser” makes a screeching noise

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Mar
11

I love how God works in my life, especially when I look back and see how I am being guided.  When I moved to Maui, I bought a “Maui Cruiser.” I am grateful for my green 1997 Toyota because it allowed me to get around town and where I wanted to go.  Although I was grateful for the car, it never felt quite right because it looked old and dilapidated. For example, I couldn’t get the passenger seat window to open because the motor broke. A few weeks ago, I was driving home at night and my window wouldn’t go up. It appeared that the motor was broken and I had to cover it at night with a green garbage bag so the rain wouldn’t get in.  It certainly didn’t feel like the “abundance” attitude that I felt inside of me.

I thought about selling the car rather than paying $250 to get the window fixed. I went back and forth and then decided I had too much on my plate with moving and not knowing where I was going to live. I decided to get the window fixed and wait until I moved to look for a new “used” car to buy.

About a week ago, I was driving with my friend, Jodene, and all of a sudden there was a very loud screeching noise when I turned the wheel. It was very disturbing because it seemed like the power steering was on the way out.  I knew that would be expensive to fix and I certainly didn’t want to put any more money in my “Maui Cruiser” that appeared to be dying.  I mentioned it to another friend that day and she suggested that I check with my mechanic, Andy, (whom I trusted) to see if I could trade my car in for a newer model.

I called Andy to tell him about the “screeching” noise and the problem I was having with the steering. He told me to bring the car in the next day and he would check it out. The next morning when I got in my car to bring it to Andy’s garage, the car was completely fine and no screeching. Just like when you go to your doctor and get there and the symptoms are gone.

Andy wasn’t sure what the problem was because the screeching noise was now gone. I asked him, “Andy, are you interested in buying my car or trading it in for something you have on your lot?” He said, “Yes, I will give you $1200 right now.” He just happened to be working in his garage on a 2002 Honda Civic that looked pretty nice. He then offered me $1500 to trade in my car, which seemed like a real deal. It was the fastest deal I have ever made. I picked up the car today and it definitely feels like I am moving up in the world.

Today is the anniversary of my grandmother’s death 35 years ago. I was very close to my grandmother and she nicknamed me her angel. I prayed in the morning and asked that I would feel her presence. When I got in my new car, I was led to check to see if there was anything in the CD player. I opened it, and sure enough, there was a CD in it. The first song was ANGEL and the second song was WITH YOU.  I felt such gratitude as I felt my grandmother’s presence and love as I drove away in my new car.  As I looked at the other titles, I realized that this CD was not a spiritual CD. In fact, one of the other songs was YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET GO.  I sure do need to let go because my life is about “Letting Go and Letting God.” The license plate is MHW 118. I love to play with letters and I wanted to name the car. What came to mind was MAGNIFICENT HIGHER-POWERED WOMAN. I was talking to my friend, Kari, that night about the name and she came up with MAUI’S HOT WOMAN. Hmmm……. What do you like?

When I went to bed that night and pulled down the covers, I found a beautiful angel with LOVE written on it. Jodene had put it under my pillow. Another touch of love from heaven.

I have another funny story about my “old car.” I came out one morning and found a dollar bill folded up under the windshield wiper. Jodene and I just looked at one other wondering who put it there. Was someone feeling bad for me with my “Maui Cruiser and wanted to help out?  Or was this manna from heaven? I liked manna from heaven better.  A few days later, my neighbor passed by and said, “Did you find the dollar bill that I put under your windshield? I found it right outside your car door.” I am going to put that dollar in a place where I can SEE IT to remind me of manna from heaven that God is pouring out on me.  

An update on my living situation: I am staying with my friend, Jodene, until March 14^th and then going to another friend’s house until the end of the month. I will be moving into my new home on April 1. I found out today that my new street name which is Laniolu means HEAVENLY COMFORT.

As I was filling out the lease agreement on my computer, Jodene walked by and noticed the name on the right side of the computer.  She said, “Oh my God, I think I know that person.” I answered, “What, are you kidding me?” She quickly looked in her “Maui file” and sure enough she had the name and phone number of my new landlord who lives is Rhode Island.

Jodene explained that she met my new landlord last year while sitting at Tommy Bahamas for happy hour. My landlord was only here for a few days to rent her home to my friends. Jodene immediately called her and told her that she not only knew me, but I was staying with her.  What are the chances of this happening?  Another synchronicity, God wink or God-Incident, that I refer to in my book, “Simply a Woman of Faith.”       

Daily Word – I bravely surrender to God’s will in my life

“Bravery can mean acting boldly and fearlessly, but it can also mean trusting God’s will in my life even when I don’t know where that might lead. Like the skydiver who surrenders bravely to a free fall, as I trust in God, I am assured my parachute will open. If I feel inner resistance, I am not discouraged. I meditate on the truth of God’s love and have faith. Releasing my concern, I remember all the times I resisted a situation that later yielded good results. I audaciously surrender to the wisdom of God within. I know there may be a free-fall – a period of uncertainty – but as I let go and let God, I land safely in new territory.”