Tears poured out of me & I wanted to crawl up in a ball

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During meditation this morning, I imagined myself picking people for my team. I remember as a child when the captain of each team picked who they wanted to be on their teams. How horrible it felt if you were picked last.

Instead of team mates, I imagined myself picking words to be on my team and support me on my spiritual journey. I picked 11 words or values starting with Love, Trust, Peace, Joy, Contentment, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Gratitude, Prayer and Faith. I then imagined myself, as the captain of the team, in the middle of a huddle doing a cheer together. As a cheerleader in high school, this was easy for me to imagine. The cheer was “The team is in the middle, the captain is at the head, they all got together and this is what they said, T.E.A.M. go TEAM go.” I felt so safe and protected being in the middle of the huddle. Perhaps it is also like being in the middle of all the angels and our loved ones.

This visualization reminded me that I am the captain of my life and my team. My team is there to support me and they are dedicated to my success. They want me to win and will do what I direct them to do. In order for them to support me, I must know what I want and then be able to communicate what I want them to do. Do you have a team of supportive people and do you feel protected and loved?  

To be the captain of my team means I must be responsible for my life, my thoughts, feelings, actions and choices. I can surround myself with people who are supportive and loving or with people who are energy vampires. I can surround myself with all the values that I chose for my team and call upon them at any time when I need them.

It has been an interesting week and I have spent quite a bit of time alone and going within, remembering what has happened in the past and listening to what Spirit is saying to me today. As I shared last week, I am looking for a new home and there are decisions I have to make. Do I need to make provisions for a storage unit for my furniture and where will I live if I don’t find a place before the end of the month?

As the days tick off, and it gets closer to the end of the month, I am constantly in prayer and choosing trust instead of worry and fear. Have I felt fear? Yes I have. I wrote in my journal one morning that I felt like a little girl who wanted her daddy to take care of her because I didn’t feel strong.  

I have surrounded myself with beautiful, supportive, loving beings on my team. I have asked for prayer and help when I needed it. I am doing all I know to do and it’s up to God to do the rest. I know that God is working behind the scenes and preparing the perfect and right place for me to live. I am acting “as if” and packing boxes and cleaning my ohana. I know the miracle is around the corner as I let go and trust.

In prayer, I heard God say to “REST, instead of pushing and rushing. Give your fears to me and have faith that you are being taken care of. Let go of worrying about HOW your needs will be met because I will take care of all the details. Be open to receiving gifts and help from other people.”  

Has this ever happened to you? One minute you are full of peace, knowing all is well and the next minute you are so stressed that the tears are pouring out of you and you just want to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep? Perhaps just the human condition! When I’m feeling like this, it is an invitation not to judge myself, but to love and accept myself just the way I am.  It is not only an invitation to be gentle and to love myself, but to allow others to love me when I’m feeling so vulnerable and weak. To strengthen my faith, I have been carrying a heart shaped stone that says FAITH on it.  Whenever my faith is shaky, I just put my hand in my pocket and peace returns. Today, I found a small rock that said, TRUST so that is in my other pocket.

Years ago, when I worked as an alcohol and drug therapist, I had a patient who had real difficulty with the concept of God and a Higher Power. He truly wanted to believe, but it took time for him to get there. I gave him a rock to carry with him and he called it his “Pocket God.” He said, “Pat, until I am able to believe, I will carry in my pocket Pats “Pocket God.” In time, through this small act of faith, he found his own Higher Power.

My own experience this week reminded me of what happened with my client. I told my friend, Kati, “My faith is shaky, please pray for me. I am not feeling like a woman of faith today.” She said, “I know who you are, I will remember for you, until you can remember again.”  Sometimes, I just need another person who believes in me to hold that for me until I get aligned with Spirit again and know the truth of who I am and who God is in my life.

What I know about the spiritual life is that it is about progress and not perfection. I pray, ask for help, let go, trust, surrender, do a gratitude list and feel my feelings. I don’t have to pretend that a woman of faith doesn’t have fear. I am trusting that I am moving through it and will come out the other side stronger, brighter and lighter.

I want to stay in the middle of the huddle, with my team of angels and loved ones surrounding me. I know I am protected and God is showering us with divine love. I hold Love, Trust, Peace, Joy, Contentment, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Gratitude, Prayer and Faith in my heart.

Thank you or praying for me, reaching out to me and offering your home for me to stay until I find my right and perfect home. Thank you for being on my team. GO TEAM GO.

                                                                 I am Fearless and Free – Daily Word

I am an overcomer. I am bold and fearless. My indomitable inner power comes not from my ego, but from the power of God within me – for God and I are one. All my accomplishments are the result of a TEAM effort. With God as my partner, no one or no thing can defeat me.

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Pat Hastings

Author, Inspirational Speaker, Spiritual Coach, Retreat Leader & Radio Talk Show Host

Simply A Woman of Faith
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